Four of a Kind

The Power of Two

2012-02-01T09:11:00.001-06:00

I was folding laundry this morning and listening to my iPod. It was on "shuffle" mode and the song "The Power of Two" by the Indigo Girls came on. I have always loved it and as I listened to the lyrics today I was reminded that it was the first dance song at the wedding reception of a couple that means a lot to me and my family.

This couple and their family are going through a very difficult and uncertain time in their life. Many of the words in The Power of Two speak to what our loved ones are experiencing. Listening to music has always been very healing for me during painful times in my life. This couple has shared with us in the past how it has helped them to listen to music at times and have a good cry. Listening to The Power of Two this morning I had a good cry thinking about our loved ones.

I ask for your positive thoughts and healing prayers for our loved ones during this time in their life. Thank you.

My heart goes out to anyone that is struggling today to make peace with the trials in and circumstances of their lives.

I also want to thank you for your kind and thoughtful comments on my last post Getting There. It wasn't easy for me to share, but I found your words very validating and helpful for me to feel more at peace with our decision.

I will leave you with the lyrics to The Power of Two and hope they bring you some peace and comfort on this winter's day:

The Power of Two

Now the parking lot is empty
Everyone's gone someplace
I pick you up and in the trunk I've packed
A cooler and a two day suitcase

'Cause there's a place we like to drive
Way out in the country
And five miles out of the city limit we're singin'
And your hand's upon my leg

So we're ok, we're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

You know the things that I am afraid of
I'm not afraid to tell
And if we ever leave a legacy
It's that we loved each other well

Because I've seen the shadows of so many people
Still trying on the treasures of youth
But a road that fancy and fast ends in a fatal crash
And I'm glad we got off to tell you the truth

So we're ok, we're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation
Something new instead of something old
All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface
And it's fool's gold, fool's gold, fool's gold

Now we're talking about a difficult thing
Your eyes are getting wet
I took us for better and I took us for worse
And don't you ever forget it

Now there's steel bars between me and a promise
Suddenly bend with ease
The closer I'm bound in love to you
The closer I am to free

So we're ok, we're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

Getting There

2012-01-30T07:30:00.001-06:00

I wrote this post a few months ago, but wasn't ready to share it until now. I think this partly because when I wrote it I believed what I was saying whole-heartedly. And then a little while later I didn't.

Re-reading this periodically became a gage for me to see where I stood on the issue at hand. I have circled back (confidently at that) and even discussed with a therapist. I decided this was more than important enough to address with a professional after all that we have been through in the ten years since we started trying to build our family.

That said, here is what I wrote (sometime in November last year), though I could have just as easily written it today.

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Recently Bob and I have revisited our "soft decision" to not try to have anymore children. We tabled our discussion about this for awhile after Abby was born and again after we met with the pediatric geneticist.

Over the past few months, for various reasons, I have thought a lot about if and when we will make our choice to be done a "hard decision."

We even flirted with trying for another or at least not avoiding, being open to new life and seeing what happens (within a time frame and a set end date).

But in the end, we keep coming back to our choice to be done. Rationally speaking, I understand why it makes sense for us to end our family building journey sooner, rather than later. We have given so much of our time and energy in our marriage and family to this pursuit and we feel ready to move on (for the most part).

However, we all know that there are so many layers and emotions wrapped up in trying to build and expand our families, that these decisions are not ones we take lightly or come to easily.

During a recent conversation about this topic, Bob said if you don't feel ready to make this final or if you have any doubts we should wait until we are absolutely sure. I appreciated where he was coming from, but explained that I don't think I will ever feel completely ready or sure that the time is right to put this stage of our lives behind us and move on.

No matter when we make this hard decision about being done with family building, I know that I will have mixed feelings that I need to work through and make peace with. However, that isn't a reason to try to have more kids, just to avoid the inevitable.

We love children and though parenting isn't always easy, we feel blessed and grateful for the two living children in our life. There was a time when we hoped for and dreamed about having a big family. But our family building/expanding efforts didn't go as we planned (which is an understatement) and we realize now that it is okay to let our hopes, dreams and plans for our future, especially our family, evolve.

We want to give our time, love and attention to the two healthy and adorable living children that we already have, rather then dividing that time and attention with trying to expand our family.

After all we have been through to get where we are today, we think that the risk of another loss and everything that goes along with a Subsequent Pregnancy After Loss (SPAL) is not worth it to us anymore.

Though we know we could and would be able to survive another pregnancy like we experienced with Molly, if something like that we're to happen, we are not willing to put ourselves, our family and especially our living children at risk of going through that again.

Will I always wonder how things might have been different had our family building efforts gone as we imagined they would? Yes! I do think some small part of me will hold on to such fantasies of an alternate reality of our life and family.

But the bottom line is that after years of trying and so desperately wanting more, I feel truly content (and really happy) with the way our family is right now.

Bob, Sean and Abby (with Molly and Babies Benson always in our hearts) is more than enough for me to feel that our family is complete.

Though I will likely never get that "Full House" that I wanted and dreamed of, Four of Kind (with Babies Benson and our Queen of Hearts in Heaven) works for me and I feel so very blessed and grateful.

Photo credit: early bird photography and fine art

Perfect Moment Monday: In Memoriam

2012-01-23T06:18:00.055-06:00

It's the fourth Monday of the month which means its time to share our Perfect Moments from January with Lori from Write Mind Open Heart.

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Last month one of my cousins died. We were close in age. Sadly, I never got to meet her in person. But in many ways I have been mourning the idea of her, a woman that I continue to learn more about who seemed to have an incredibly kind spirit and zest for life.

I've read many obituaries in my 36 years. I find them to be fascinating and often very touching to read about a deceased person's life and legacy. One of my cousin's siblings sent me her obituary last week. I love the way it was written.

So often obituaries will end with one or more places that the surviving family members suggest you make a donation, if you choose, in their loved one's honor and memory. However, in this case my cousin's immediate family asked readers and loved ones to do something different to honor her life and memory.

The very last line of my cousin's obituary reads as follows (I wasn't expecting it to end this way and was moved to tears):

"In her memory, and by her example, her family asks simply that you endeavor to put a smile on a stranger’s face with a small act of kindness."

Isn't that just incredible? What an awesome thing to write in an obituary and definitely a perfect moment for me to recognize what a beautiful thing my cousin's parents and siblings are encouraging others to do in memoriam of their daughter/sister.

I am sorry that I never got to meet you dear cousin. I am sorry that I will never get to see your beautiful smile in person. I wish things were different and that you didn't have to leave this world so soon. I am grateful that, if nothing else, your death has given me the chance to connect with and get to know more of my cousins (including some of your siblings) better than I likely otherwise ever would have. That doesn't mean I don't wish you were still alive. I count some of these new bonds and relationships in my life/our extended family to be another part of your legacy and I thank you. I promise to try to put smiles on the faces of strangers (and loved ones) with small acts of kindness whenever possible. I will think of you often when I do so. I hope that I will get too see you and know you better in the afterlife someday. May you rest in peace.

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Lori from Write Mind Open Heart says that "Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between." I love the idea of being mindful of and blogging about perfect moments. Over the years I have often used my blog more to write about things I am struggling with and though I know that is valid and important for me at times, I appreciate the idea of being intentional about also sharing the simple and very special moments in our lives. Many thanks to Lori for this wonderful opportunity to focus on what is right in our life, instead of what is wrong.

Click here to read about and comment on more Perfect Moments (there are links to others' posts at the bottom of Lori's blog entry) and/or add a link to one of your own.

Thank you for reading. I hope that you have a wonderful week and that you are aware of, as well as able to notice, many perfect moments in your own lives.

Molly at Sunset

2012-01-19T13:29:00.004-06:00

Awhile back I found out that Carly Dudley from Christian's Beach was emailing high quality .jpg files of the pictures she takes of bereaved families' children's names in the sand to those who requested them for a small fee. I realized since our baby girl Molly's name was written over three years ago, within the first few months Carly and her husband Sam began this awesome ministry for grieving families, that I had never given them any compensation for the beautiful photo they took for us with our daughter's name written in the sand at sunset on the beach near their home in Perth, Australia.

I know that they do not do this for the money, but there are costs associated with being able to continue to do this for bereaved families. Also knowing that I had copied the picture they took back then, shared it in various places (including here on my blog) and even had magnets made to give to family and friends at the time of the first anniversary of Molly's birth and death, I decided to send them some money to show my gratitude. I was also hoping to get a higher quality .jpg, than the one I had from copying the photo years ago and saving it to my computer, that I can use to order some bigger prints to frame and display in our new home.

After I sent my money via PayPal, I got a very thoughtful email from Carly explaining that in those early days of "Names in the Sand" that she wasn't as photo and tech savvy and thus Molly's original name in the sand was not a high quality photo. She offered to write Molly's name in the sand again and send me that picture instead.

I really appreciated the offer. But I also had mixed feelings about having a new version of Molly's name in the sand, as in many ways it feels like the original is just that. Molly can never be replaced and I wasn't sure what I would think about having a new version of her name written at sunset on Christian's Beach in Australia.

In the end I decided to take Carly up on her kind offer. Last night I received another email from the Dudleys with the picture below attached. I think Molly's name looks gorgeous in the sand with the beautiful sunset over the ocean in the distance.

I am so grateful to Carly and her family for giving us this precious gift in honor and memory of our Molly Marie. Many thanks to Carly, Sam and the Dudley family. I believe that their son/brother Christian is so very proud of his parents/siblings and what they have done in his honor and memory over the past three years to help so many grieving families to remember and to heal.

"At the end of the day all the children of Heaven come together

to paint the colors of the sunset." ~ Carly Marie Dudley

Time Warp Tuesday: Turnaround

2012-01-17T00:01:00.216-06:00

Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the fourteenth installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

For those not familiar with Time Warp Tuesdays, which I host on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of every month, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Turnaround

Note: Special thanks to Lori from Write Mind Open Heart who suggested this topic! Lori told me that the idea came to her during a yoga class, which seems appropriate coming from a mindful living guru in our ALI Community. If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

A new year is an opportunity for new beginnings and the chance to try to see events, experiences and people in your life in a new light and possibly from a different perspective. Choose a post from your archives, as Lori suggested, related to a "turnaround" in your life, "where something that you once saw as a curse has since become viewed as a blessing. Or something turned out not to be what you originally thought it was." It may be that you wrote about this "turnaround" in your life in your old blog entry or the "turnaround" has happened since the time your wrote the post you chose to reflect on. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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Time Warp Tuesday: Turnaround

This topic was a bit of a challenge for me. There have certainly been times in my life when I have experienced "turnarounds" in my way of thinking, as Lori described and suggested. However I didn't recall a specific blog post where I wrote about that. I decided to do a search for the word "perspective" on my blog, to see if there were instances where I wrote about experiencing a change in my perspective about something. I found three blog entries that seemed to fit. In the end I chose this one, which I posted in June 2009. It was the second of two posts that I wrote describing my experience celebrating the first anniversary of Molly's birth and death in April of that year.

Here is a link to my post:

Molly's 1st Birthday Part II: Peace Be With You

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

As I often find to be the case when revisiting old blog entries for Time Warp Tuesdays, I appreciate the opportunity to re-read and reflect on what I wrote a few years ago. The part of my old post which I am focusing on this week, related to a "turnaround" in my way of thinking, talks about a homily one of the priests at our church gave during the mass that was said in Molly's honor and memory. The priest's words that day helped me to make peace with those in our life who did not support us in some of the ways that I wished they had during our pregnancy with Molly and after she was born and died.

We didn't expect the priest to make his homily that day literally about Molly, however we were blown away by how he seemed to speak indirectly to our family, and all those whose lives were touched by our baby girl that were with us. His sermon focused on what Jesus said to his disciples when he returned to visit them, after rising from the dead. He talked about how after everything Jesus had been through with the disciples (both positive and negative) leading up to and through his crucifixion, that there were so many things he might have chosen to say to them. However, Jesus simply and thoughtfully said “peace be with you." The priest suggested that Jesus could have said things like “where were you?” “what were you thinking?” or “I told you so.” But instead he showed great mercy and his awesome ability to forgive when he said "peace be with you." The priest went on to relate this story to getting through difficult times in our lives with our faith in God.

I imagine I wasn't alone that day in feeling like the priest was speaking right to me. I was really touched by the points he made about looking back on hard times in our life and finding ways to forgive those who did or said things that were hurtful. Reflecting specifically on our journey with Molly, there were times when my feelings were especially hurt by the things that family and friends chose not to do or say, including those in our life who, for various reasons, were not with us to celebrate Molly's life and birthday that very day. I found that hearing the priest say "peace be with you" over and over again throughout his homily that morning to be incredibly healing and inspiring for me. It helped me to take a step back and look at my life and our situation from a different perspective. I felt encouraged to try to forgive those who may not have been here for us in ways that I wish they had throughout our journey with Molly, however in most cases likely had good intentions and do in their hearts love and care about Bob, Sean, me and our daughter/baby sister in Heaven.

During the Prayers of the Faithful, as I had experienced two days earlier on Friday during the daily mass we attended for Molly, I was very moved by the moment with the reader shared whom the mass was being offered for, "Molly Marie Benson," and we all said together "Lord, hear our prayer." I was also touched when we all held hands and said the "Our Father" together, a prayer that was very special and helpful to me throughout our pregnancy with our baby girl and especially the day she was born and died. Directly following the "Our Father" was the point in the mass when the priest invites our congregation to "look not upon our sins, but on the faith of our church" and to share "peace" with those around us. Giving hugs, kisses and handshakes while saying "peace be with you" to our family and friends surrounding us in the pews that day took on a whole knew meaning and significance as I recalled the priest's homily earlier in the mass.

This way of thinking, or change in perspective, was definitely a "turnaround" experience for me. At times I still struggle to understand and accept why some of our loved ones have chosen to say or not say certain things over the years and to do or not do various things since Molly's birth and death. However, revisiting this post was a helpful reminder to me of how healing and inspiring following Jesus's example of showing mercy and practicing forgiveness can be.

Ironically I recently had an interesting experience related to showing forgiveness with our 8 year old son Sean, who was 4 1/2 at the time of his baby sister Molly's birth and death. Last week our 2 year old daughter Abby and her big brother Sean were playing together. They like to goof around a lot and at some point as they played Abby started hitting Sean. Though we don't think she was really trying to hurt him, Sean didn't like it and understandably asked her to stop. Abby continued and I decided to step in and give her a "time out." This was actually the first time I have tried doing this with her and started off by explaining what a time out was and why she was having one.

After Abby's time out was over, we discussed what had happened, why she had the time out and why it wasn't okay for her to hit Sean. Then I asked her to say she was "sorry" to her brother for hitting him. This is where things got especially interesting or frustrating, depending on how you look at it. Abby refused to apologize to her brother. Our daughter speaks and comprehends language very well for her age and thus I wasn't concerned that she didn't understand what I was asking of her. She was clearly just being stubborn.

I saw this as an opportunity to hold my ground and teach her that it was important to say your sorry when you hurt someone and did my best to explain why. As more time passed and she still would not say "sorry" to Sean I got more frustrated and told her that she would not get to watch any of her favorite TV shows until she apologized to her brother for hitting him. This battle of wills lasted for 24 hours!

Sean and I tried to be patient and reason with her. Many times I considered giving in, because she is *only* two years old. But again, I really believed that she knew exactly what was going on and was just testing limits. Sean or I would say to her, "are you ready to say `sorry' yet?" Abby would reply, "no, I am doing something else." After I took away her "TV privileges" she made it clear that she understood what was happening many times when she said things such as, "After I say sorry to Sean, I get to watch Yo Gabba, Gabba."

On day two Abby and I walked to the bus stop to meet Sean after school. On our way home the subject of whether or not Abby was ready to say "sorry" to her brother came up again. Sean told me that he had been thinking about what happened with his sister. He shared that he knew sometimes people who hurt us don't tell us they are sorry and that we can still forgive them anyway. Sean went on to say that even if Abby never apologized to him, that he still forgives her for hitting him.

I was so proud of and impressed with the grace and wisdom of our 8 year old son. I told Sean this and let him know how much I appreciated his perspective on the situation. I also said that I still believed that Abby would come around and say she was sorry eventually, but that time would tell. Later that afternoon, as the three of us were sitting together on the couch in our basement, Abby turned to Sean and said, "sorry!"

Reflecting on the priest's homily in my old post and my recent experience with our son Sean both help me to remember the importance of being able to forgive those who hurt us, ~~even~~ especially when they do not chose to make amends for their words or actions. I saw a powerful quote on Twitter about a year ago, which really moved me, related to forgiveness. I will leave you with that:

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself. ~ Harriet Nelson

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours.

Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

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The topic for the next Time Warp Tuesday is: Comments Please

Note: Special thanks to Deborah from Unglamorous who suggested this topic! If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

Sometimes we feel really good about a post after we write and share it on our blogs. However, we don't always get the feedback and validation we crave from our readers. This is your chance to revisit a an old blog entry that you are proud of and invite others doing the Time Warp to read and give it the attention it deserves. Choose one of your favorite posts from your archives, that as Deborah suggested, got little to no comments. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since. Hopefully through Time Warp this week you will receive the comments and validation that you missed out on the first time around.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What do you think you didn't get more responses from your readers to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month to find out the new topic, theme or question for the next Time Warp Tuesday (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here in three weeks, on Tuesday, February 7th (the 1st Tuesday of next month), when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

Gatekeeping (1st Edition)

2012-01-14T08:33:00.001-06:00

How are you feeling?

What are your plans for tomorrow?

I shared the back story of these simple and yet powerful questions in this post.

Over the past year I have lost two loved ones to suicide. I realize that there is likely nothing I could have done to change the outcome of their lives, but it is something that I struggle with as I continue to work through my grief and try to make peace with these women taking their own lives.

I know that many of us suffer in silence when we are going through difficult and uncertain times in our lives. It doesn't have to be that way.

I am not asking you to tell me your secrets or your problems, unless you want to of course. But I invite you to check in here (you can also connect with me via Facebook or email me) and let me know how you are feeling today and what plans you may have for tomorrow.

Here's an excerpt from the post I referenced above called Gatekeepers:

My favorite line in Meg (Hutchinson's) song (called Gatekeepers) is, "maybe every day, in ordinary ways, we hold each other on, we keep each other here."

I think that is so profound and it certainly rings true for me.

There have been countless people throughout my life that have been "Gatekeepers" to me. Though I have never seriously considered taking my own life and strongly believe that I will never do so, I have survived some very rough patches where my self esteem and self worth were severely challenged.

I love the idea that in "ordinary ways" we can make extraordinary differences in the journeys of loved ones and even strangers that we meet throughout the course of our day-to-day lives.

Kevin "the Gatekeeper" Briggs has done so by asking those two simple questions of strangers he has met contemplating jumping (off the Golden Gate Bridge), Meg Hutchinson has done so through her music and song, Bob Edwards has done so with the stories he shares on his radio show and you all have done so for me over the years through your comments here, your caring ways, your love and your support as my readers, fellow bloggers, friends and family members.

Thank you so very much.

I intend to post these "Gatekeeping" blog entries now and then going forward and hope that they will present the opportunity for anyone who reads them who is having a hard time coping with challenges they are facing in life to share. That said, you are certainly welcome to comment about the things you are feeling good about too. I believe that being able to recognize and name the things we are grateful for is essential to help us find peace and joy in our lives. That is part of why I love participating in Lori's monthly Perfect Moment Mondays.

Sometimes it's the little things than can help keep us a float when we feel like we are drowning. Just knowing that others care and want to know how we are feeling, as well as being able to think about what we might do tomorrow has the power to help us get through tough times.

Thank you for reading and for sharing. I hope that wherever this blog entry finds you today that you know there are people in your life (I am one of them) who care about how you are feeling and want to know what your plans, hopes and dreams are for tomorrow and the days to come.

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I will start us off by answering the questions myself:

I am feeling...

Glad -- that it is the weekend (and a three day one for Bob and Sean at that).

Tired -- because I didn't get enough sleep this week and need to "catch up."

Motivated -- to get the rest of our Christmas decorations put away (which is always bittersweet after our home looks so nice and colorful during the holiday season).

Relieved -- that we didn't "over-program" ourselves this weekend (as we have a tendency to), which will allow us to spend quality time together as a family, relax some and also hopefully get things done around our house.

My plans for tomorrow are...

To go to church with my family in the morning, celebrate one of our friend's birthdays at his home with his family and friends for an early dinner and then wrap up the day relaxing on the couch watching Red Carpet coverage followed by the Golden Globe Awards on TV.

Are You There Readers? It's Me, Kathy!

2012-01-13T09:48:00.004-06:00

The the word on blog street is that it's International Blog Delurking Week (IBDW). So I am jumping on the bandwagon and inviting you to let me know that you are here.

As Mel explains in her blog post about IBDW:

It is fairly easy. Leave a comment in the comment section below admitting that you’re here. You can simply raise your hand and meekly admit that you’re here with a simple, one-word “here” comment; or you can proudly raise your hand and tell us all a bit about yourself (my preferred method). The point is that I want to know about the people who read me, since there is a huge discrepancy between the number of readers in actuality and the number of readers I actually know are reading.

So now it your turn...

Are you there readers?

Please check in here and let me know.

Since we had our first big snowfall here in Chicago yesterday, besides a simple "here" or telling us about yourself, you are also welcome to share in the comment section, if you choose, your answer to this question:

What is your favorite thing to do in the Wintertime and/or when there is snow on the ground?

Mine favorite thing to do this time of year is to play outside in the snow with Bob and our children and then come inside and warm up by drinking some hot chocolate with mini marshmallows in it.

Thanks for reading, for delurking/letting me know you are here and I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

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P.S. I was excited and felt honored to find out yesterday that one of my recent blog entries (which I decided to cross-post on BlogHer earlier this week) was chosen to be featured on BlogHer in the Family and News & Politics sections. Here is the link to my post:

There is No "Normal" When a Baby Dies

I would love for you to read it (again or for the first time) and let me know your thoughts in the comment section over there too. Thank you!

BlogHer Book Club: Why Women Need Fat

2012-01-12T06:12:00.007-06:00

I'll admit it, the main reason I signed up to read and review Why Women Need Fat by Dr. William D. Lassek and Dr. Steven J.C. Gaulin, my fifth BlogHer Book Club selection, was because of a line in a summary about it which said something about "why those last five pounds seem impossible to lose." I think I was contemplating resolutions for 2012 at the time and knew one was to try to work on shedding those "last five pounds" in the New Year. I wanted to know their "secret" and got a lot more then I bargained for...

I didn't pay much attention to the subtitle: How "Healthy" Food Makes Us Gain Excess Weight and the Surprising Solution to Losing It Forever. Had I realized what I was getting myself into, I probably would have taken a pass. However this is not because I didn't enjoy or learn a lot from reading this book. It was very interesting and informative. I have just been purposely avoiding books, movies (such as Food Inc.) and anything else that could inform me about the details of why my family and my diet is unhealthy. I wasn't ready.

I knew if and when I were to take the time to find out what is wrong with what typical Americans, like my family, eat on a regular basis, that I would then have to make some serious changes to our grocery shopping, meal planning and consumption. I had a vague idea about some of the "bad things" that we have been eating before reading Why Women Need Fat. Now I know the truth. Ready or not, the Benson family will be making some adjustments to what we buy and eat in the near future. In fact I already made my first post-Why Women Need Fat trip to our neighborhood/family owned grocery store and was very impressed how well I was able to do following many of the recommendations the authors suggest in this book.

Dr. Lassek and Dr. Gaulin take about two-thirds of Why Women Need Fat to give readers background and make their very thorough case for why and how our American food processing and eating habits have gotten so out of whack over the past 40 years. Then they use the final third of the book to give practical suggestions as to how to shop for and introduce healthier alternatives into our meals. The authors also break down their theories and understanding of the most effective ways for us to reach our "natural and healthy weight," primarily without having to follow any formal weight loss diet.

There is a lot of comparison in this book of American food processing and eating routines versus Europeans, Asians and others around the World. They highlight what many of our overseas neighbors are doing better when it comes to healthy eating and how our country went astray. I also found the discussion of how our food choices and eating habits impact our fertility, ability to carry and nurse babies and then lose and/or gain postpartum weight fascinating.

I recommend this book, but caution if you choose to read it: be prepared to makes some changes to your own diet or at least know that you will not look at a food label or many of the things you eat in the same way ever again (especially if you currently buy and consume a lot of processed foods made with vegetable and/or soybean oil). Please join our discussion over on the BlogHer Book Club page where you can share your thoughts and find out what others are saying about Why Women Need Fat.

If you have already read Why Women Need Fat or decide to check it out in the future, I would love to know what you think of it.

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Disclaimer: I received a free e-copy of this book to read for this review and to participate in the related BlogHer Book Club discussion. However, I was in no way encouraged to write a positive or negative review about Why Women Need Fat.

"Crazy Like a (Perfectly Normal) Bereaved Parent"

2012-01-10T23:24:00.002-06:00

I have read a lot of commentary about what happened last week when Fox News contributor Alan Colmes attacked Republican Party primary Presidential candidate Rick Santorum and his wife Karen for the "crazy" way they dealt with the death of their son soon after his birth in 1996. Political views and party affiliations aside, I believe what Mr. Colmes did was out of line on so many levels and felt sick as I learned about the incident.

I have been wanting to write and share something about it here, but after reading what Amy Kuebelbeck wrote, as a guest post on Debbie Davis's Psychology Today blog Laugh, Cry, Live, I couldn't begin to address this topic as well as she has. I am grateful that Amy was able to give an informed and inspired voice to what many bereaved parents (like me) have been thinking and feeling this week after following this story.

I encourage you to read Amy Kuebelbeck's article with this awesome title:

Crazy like a (Perfectly Normal) Bereaved Parent: In Defense Rick and Karen Santorum

Please also consider sharing the link with anyone who you know who might appreciate it.

It's painful to witness these situations when they hit the mainstream news media and more often when we experience them on a smaller scale with various people we know in our personal lives, especially as parents who have lost children. But these events can also be opportunities to raise awareness, build bridges and further understanding about what is truly "normal" for parents who are grieving the loss of a baby that has left this world too soon.

We all need to do what works for us to survive the death of our loved ones and try our best to respect that not everyone grieves, copes and heals in the same way. Different does not equal crazy and I raise my glass to Amy Kuebelbeck for making that case so well in her blog post today.

Thank you for reading, as well as for the support and validation many of you have shown my family and me over the years for how we have chosen to deal with our grief after the birth and death of our daughter Molly in April 2008.

Sibling Snippets: Exclamations

2012-01-10T07:30:00.001-06:00

These are some recent exclamations that our children have said that I found sweet and amusing:

"Abby is so imaginative!" ~ Sean

After observing his younger sister pretend playing with her toy kitchen.

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"I wasn't expecting that!" ~ Abby

After I picked her up and took her out of the Pack -n- Play she had napped in at my parents' house on New Year's Eve.

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"Don't Worry Sean!" ~ Abby

When we were heading upstairs at bedtime and she saw her big brother standing at the top of the stairs.

Time Warp Tuesday: New Years

2012-01-03T00:01:00.264-06:00

Happy New Year! Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the thirteenth installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

For those not familiar with Time Warp Tuesdays, which I host on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of every month, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: `New Years

A new year, a fresh start, a chance to realign your priorities, focus your intentions and/or make some resolutions for the next twelve months of your life. Choose a post from your archives where you talk about preparing for or kicking off a new year in your life. Maybe you have written in the past about a new years tradition that is important to you, shared what your resolutions were for the coming year or blogged about the feelings and emotions that this time of year evokes in you. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? If you wrote about making any new years resolutions, did you keep them? How have your new years traditions changed or evolved throughout your life? Are you making any new years resolutions this year? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week. Thank you to all who have already shared suggestions for future weeks! I do plan to use more of your ideas soon, but thought it would be nice to do another "holiday themed" Time Warp this week, which Jen from Here We Go Again suggested (to do holiday themed topics at the appropriate times of year). Thanks Jen!

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Time Warp Tuesday: New Years

This week I am revisiting a post that I wrote on New Year's Eve in 2008. Our baby girl Molly was born and died earlier that year (in April) and we had just celebrated/survived our first Christmas/Holiday season since we lost her. I recall how hard the holidays were that year and how very aware I was that something/someone was missing. I was impressed reading my old blog entry to see how I tried to make our Christmas fun and special that year, in spite of our grief, especially for Sean, who was five years old at the time. I was also moved to see what my old self was doing with my pain and sadness. I like that I was trying to find "joy in our journey" and that I was optimistic I could meet the next year in our life (2009) with an open mind and heart.

Here is a link to my post:

Joy is in the Journey!

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

Ironically, at the time I wrote this post I was likely already pregnant (or soon to be) with our third child/second daughter Abby. I wouldn't get my first BFP home pregnancy test for another two weeks or so, but our "rainbow baby" was already on her way to/in the very early developmental stages of joining our family. That fact would for obvious reasons dramatically change our life, our family and the nature of my grief and healing in the year following the birth and death of our second child/first daughter.

One of my favorite parts of my post was this:

"Joy is in the journey" really spoke to me, as over the past 4 1/2 years that we have been trying to conceive another living child, and really throughout much of my life, I have often gotten caught up in what's next, as opposed to truly living in and trying to experience the present moment. The idea that true joy in life comes through appreciating the journey and not focusing on the destination resonates with me.

Three years later I still struggle at times not to think as much about what might happen next in my life versus trying to focus on living more mindfully in the present. I appreciate that there are many lessons in life we find ourselves having to learn over and over again. Sometimes these life lessons stick and other times we need to be reminded.

As I have said here before, I consider myself a work in progress. Seeing myself this way doesn't get me off the hook from trying to be a better person, parent, spouse, child sibling, friend and neighbor, but it does help me to realize that I am not and never will be perfect and that's okay.

In my old post I also shared my new years resolutions for 2009:

Kathy's Resolutions for 2009:

1) For the way I live my life to reflect what I claim/believe my priorities are.

2) Transfer the self-discipline I have used to lose weight/get back in shape this year to other areas of my life where there are opportunities for improvement.

3) Knowing that Bob and I have a tentative plan this coming year for potentially expanding our family, try to have realistic expectations and turn the possible outcomes over to God -- realizing what I do and don't have control over.

4) Focus on the journey, instead of the destination.

I could easily use those all again for 2012, except for #3, as in this new year Bob and I plan to continue to work through our thoughts and feelings about the future of our family, as we try to make an important decision about if we are ready to put an end to our journey trying to have more children. Though we have not completely closed the door on trying, or at least being open, to having more children yet, for many reasons that make sense and feel right to us we are leaning towards making our soft decision to be done building our family a hard/final one.

I did take some time last month to consider where I want my focus and what I want my priorities to be in this new year. These are the resolutions that I came up with and will share with you today.

Kathy's Resolutions for 2012:

• My general theme for 2012 is BALANCE!

• I want work towards achieving more balance in my life. This includes past resolutions that I have made of trying not to over program my family and my life with activities and commitments.

• In the past year I really got into writing more often, especially here on my blog, as well as beyond. Writing has become one of my passions – it is therapeutic and brings me a lot of peace and joy. However, I admit that many times I have allowed it to take precedence over other priorities, including people, in my life. This needs to change and I intend for that to happen, to balance the time I spend writing with the responsibilities I have in my life with my family and other commitments.

• Get back to the basics... Make housekeeping a priority in my life and “just do it!” One of my resolutions for 2011 was to do better in this arena and I actually did worse than in 2010. In the past I had a daily/weekly schedule for cleaning and would check tasks off my list. I will return to this approach in the New Year.

• Lose 5 – 10 lbs. and keep it off. Aim for formal exercise (a mix of group fitness, yoga, running, walking and doing DVDs at home) at least 3 – 5 time per week and when possible exercise 6 – 7 times.

One of the reasons that I think I have struggled to maintain balance in my life is that I have a tendency to get easily distracted, allow myself to lose focus and follow my whims. In the New Year I want to challenge myself to set daily and weekly task oriented goals and hold myself to accomplishing them. I will work to complete those tasks on a given day or week and then reward myself with time to write, read or something else that I want (but don’t necessarily need) to do.

I know that I have some fairly ambitious goals to achieve in this new year, but I like to set the bar high for myself and I believe that I will rise to the challenge. As I shared in my resolutions for 2009, I have been very successful in the past using self discipline to shed weight and get/stay in shape by watching what I eat and exercising consistently. If I transfer that self discipline to other areas and responsibilities in my life, I know that can and will keep my priorities in check and accomplish much of what I intend to in 2012.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours.

Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

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The topic for the next Time Warp Tuesday is: Turnaround

Note: Special thanks to Lori from Write Mind Open Heart who suggested this topic! Lori told me that the idea came to her during a yoga class, which seems appropriate coming from a mindful living guru in our ALI Community. If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

A new year is an opportunity for new beginnings and the chance to try to see events, experiences and people in your life in a new light and possibly from a different perspective. Choose a post from your archives, as Lori suggested, related to a "turnaround" in your life, "where something that you once saw as a curse has since become viewed as a blessing. Or something turned out not to be what you originally thought it was." It may be that you wrote about this "turnaround" in your life in your old blog entry or the "turnaround" has happened since the time your wrote the post you chose to reflect on. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month to find out the new topic, theme or question for the next Time Warp Tuesday (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here in two weeks, on Tuesday, January 17 (the 3rd Tuesday of this month), when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

Rewind 2011

2011-12-30T15:33:00.007-06:00

Recently I came across and joined a group on Facebook called the Greater Chicagoland Blogger Meetup. Though I haven't gotten to know many of the members yet, I appreciate the opportunity to connect with other local Chicago area bloggers. One of the women in the group posted a link this week to a meme on her blog with fun and interesting questions encouraging readers to reflect on their lives in 2011. I enjoyed reading what she wrote and thought I would give it a go.

Answering the 35 questions listed below was harder in someways than I expected it to be (there I go again with my expectations). Many of my answers came to me right away and others took me some time to contemplate. If you choose to participate (either on your blog, via a Facebook note or you can even send me an email with your answers), please let me know so I can read and comment on yours too. Enjoy!

I wish you and yours a very Happy New Year! Thank you for being a part of my life in 2011!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? Owned/lived in a house with four bedrooms, a side driveway and no alley.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I kept some of them and, as always, there is much room for improvement. I have already made more for 2012 and will share about that in my next Time Warp Tuesday blog entry on January 3.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes, some of our close friends and family members. I am very happy for them and look forward to watching their new additions grow and develop.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes, one of my dear childhood friends, my great aunt (one of my maternal grandfather's sisters, his last living sibling) and a cousin that I never got to know, but wish I did.

5. What places did you visit? Hilton Head Island, South Carolina and Disney World in Orlando, Florida

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? More balance and focus in my life.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 11, 2011, because 11 has been my lucky number for as long as I can remember, so it was awesome to be able to experience 11-11-11 and make "the ultimate wish" at 11:11:11 on 11-11-11! We were also vacationing with family in Disney World that day, so spending it in such a magical place with loved ones made it extra special!

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year? Being a good mom to my children, helping our family's transition from our old home to our new home go smoothly, being able to support loved ones going through difficult and uncertain times in their lives, being the Lay Director for a women's retreat at our church, writing that I am very proud of here on my blog, as well as other places, and even getting paid for some things I wrote (which was very validating).

9. What was your biggest failure? Not keeping up with my housekeeping/cleaning responsibilities as well as I could have/should have.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Luckily just a few bad colds.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A flat screen TV for my husband Bob as a surprise Christmas gift. He has wanted one for a long time and was very happy to receive it! I did it within the holiday spending/gift budget that he gave me, so it didn't cost us anything extra during a year when things are tighter financially since we bought and moved into our new home.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband has an amazing work ethic and he always amazes me with his accomplishments at work and on the home front. He is a great example to me and our children. He is also very patient with and believes in me, especially during difficult times in our life.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Theresa Erickson and others involved in her baby selling scandal. There were also some people I know personally whose behavior really hurt and disappointed me this year, trying to make peace with this was the hardest part of 2011 for me.

14. Where did most of your money go? Into our new home.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Getting to buy and move into our new home with my husband and children. This has definitely been a "living the dream" experience!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? Raise Your Glass by Pink

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Happier

b) thinner or fatter? Fatter (but just a bit)

c) richer or poorer? Richer (but not a lot)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Kept our home clean and organized. Seriously, I really dropped the ball here and know that I can and will do better in 2012.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Procrastinating

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2011? We hosted Bob's family in our new home for dinner on Christmas Eve which was fun and a bit chaotic and included a very special guest/new member of our family. We went to church on Christmas morning and I served as a Eucharistic Minister, which I really enjoy. We had my family (minus my sister, brother-in-law and niece/Goddaughter who were spending the holiday with his family in Minnesota. We celebrated early with them the previous weekend) along with Bob's parents over on Christmas Day. Our celebration was low key, in a good way, as well as also fun and relaxing.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? I didn't fall in love so to speak, but I did choose to continue to love my dear husband, children and other closer family members and friends this year.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Parenthood

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2011? Celebrated with my niece/Goddaughter Cora and my side of the family. Cora and I share a birthday, so it was awesome to be able to celebrate my sister and brother-in-law's daughter's 1st birthday in conjunction with celebrating my 36th!

24. What was the best book you read? The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow

25. What did you want and get? To be able to sell our old home, as well as to buy and move into our new home!

26. What did you want and not get? A white Christmas. There were likely other things I am sure, however that was the first one that came to mind. The lack of having to shovel this winter hasn't bothered me though, as I shoveled so much during the big blizzard/snowstorm that hit Chicago in February.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? I didn't see any movies for adults in the theater, that I can recall. I even looked up a list of movies released in 2011 to try to jog my memory. I am not even sure if I saw any on DVD that were released this year. I think Bob and I were still catching up on movies from 2010 (such as The King's Speech and The Social Network which we really liked)! I did see a few kids movies in the theater with Sean that I enjoyed (Cars 2 and Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules), but I wouldn't call any of them my favorite film.

28. Did you make some new friends this year? Yes, in the perinatal bereavement support group that I attend most months called Caring Connections and I also made new friends through the CRHP women's retreats that I participated in and then helped to facilitate at our parish church, as well as through a MOPS group that I go to twice a month with other moms of young children.

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If there were more hours in the day or if I could ever learn not to take on so much in my life, which would lead to a similar outcome (feeling like there was more time to get everything done and enjoy what is most important to me).

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Trying to find new ways to wear old clothes since money is tight and we can't afford for me to buy many new clothes.

31. What kept you sane? Writing, exercising regularly and be able to talk with close friends and family members (about the joys and struggles we face in life).

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake were two of my favorite entertainers this year. I just can't get enough of their History of Rap performances on Jimmy's late night talk show, as well as Justin's hosting gig on SNL (it was one of the funniest episodes, in my opinion in a long while) I also enjoyed following coverage of the Royal Wedding in England.

33. What political issue stirred you the most? A lot of political issues stir me up, but I can't think of a particular one at the moment. Corruption in our government bothers me a lot, so living in a state where a number of our former Governors have gone to jail for their conduct while in office is frustrating.

34. Who did you miss? Molly, my grandparents and other loved ones who left this world too soon.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. That our lives are almost always in a state of flux and transition. In effort to experience more happiness in life, it can help to try to embrace the ambiguity.

BlogHer Book Club: The Magic Room

2011-12-29T07:25:00.003-06:00

The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow is my fourth BlogHer Book Club read and a truly extraordinary book. To say that I loved it, is an understatement.

Reading The Magic Room reminded me of watching two of my favorite documentary style television shows: 60 Minutes and Real Sports. I love the way the correspondents and producers on those programs tell stories. Likewise, Jeffrey Zaslow has a gift for drawing readers in and getting us to care about the characters he he writes about, in this case women of all ages, shapes, sizes and backgrounds who have one thing in common: they are engaged to be married and are in the market for a wedding dress.

In The Magic Room Zaslow tells about the journeys to the alter of a number of brides-to-be with fascinating research mixed in about the history of marriage and wedding traditions. He talks about how both have evolved over the past century and what that has meant for the family who runs "Becker's Bridal" shop in a small town called Fowler, MI, outside of Detroit, which has been in business for four generations. The bridal shop carries more gowns in stock than the town has residents!

I found that the description of the Becker family, especially how each generation has been torn as to whether or not to try to keep their business going in Fowler was reminiscent of of the fictitious Bailey family, who ran the Bailey Building & Loan in Bedford Falls in my favorite movie, It's a Wonderful Life.

A master storyteller, Zaslow had me hooked and in tears as I read his introduction to The Magic Room. I love his intention of writing a book for his three daughters, as a sort of "love letter" about his hopes and dreams for them, before they are of age to consider marrying and sharing their lives with another person someday. Reading this book was also very nostalgic for me, as it moved me to reflect on my own journey to the alter and my life since my husband Bob and I were married eleven years ago on September 23, 2000.

I highly recommend this book and am grateful for the opportunity to have been among the first to get to read it as part of the BlogHer Book Club! Please join our discussion over on the BlogHer Book Club page where you can share your thoughts and find out what others are saying about The Magic Room.

In the spirit of The Magic Room, I thought it would be fun to include a picture here of me in my bridal gown, in my parent's living room, before the ceremony on Bob and my wedding day 11 years ago. So I will leave you with that.

If you have already read The Magic Room or decide to check it out in the future, I would love to know what you think of it.

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Disclaimer: I received a free e-copy of this book to read for this review and to participate in the related BlogHer Book Club discussion. However, I was in no way encouraged to write a positive or negative review about The Magic Room.

Perfect Moment Monday: Our Little Princess

2011-12-26T20:39:00.002-06:00

It's the fourth Monday of the month which means its time to share our Perfect Moments from December with Lori from Write Mind Open Heart!

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There have been so many perfect moments that I experienced this month celebrating the holiday season with our family and friends. However, I will just highlight one simple moment here that melted my heart on Christmas day. Yesterday morning Abby opened her present from Santa, it was a Disney Princess themed "play hut." Her daddy quickly assembled it and she was very excited to explore it from the inside out. After looking at the hut, running around it and climbing in and out many times, Abby exclaimed:

"Cinderella and me have a castle!"

It was a truly perfect moment for me to see how much our daughter appreciates her gift and to witness the connection she made between our recent trip to Disney World, where we saw Cinderella's Castle in the Magic Kingdom, and her new toy. Abby feels like a princess playing in her very own "castle" and it gives me so much joy watching her relish in it!

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Lori from Write Mind Open Heart says that "Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between." I love the idea of being mindful of and blogging about perfect moments. In the past I have often used my blog more to write about things I am struggling with and though I know that is valid and important for me at times, I appreciate the idea of being intentional about also sharing the simple and very special moments in our lives. Many thanks to Lori for this idea, a wonderful opportunity to focus on what is right in our life, instead of what is wrong.

Click here to read about and comment on more Perfect Moments (there are links to others' posts at the bottom of Lori's blog entry) and/or add a link to one of your own.

Thank you for reading. I hope that you have a wonderful week and that you are aware of, as well as able to notice, many perfect moments in your own lives.

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Lastly, on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month we "do the Time Warp" here on my blog and I would love for you to join us!

Click here to read more about Time Warp Tuesdays, find out next week's topic and get your posts ready for this blog hop/writing exercise.

I hope to see you back here one week from tomorrow and I look forward to doing the Time Warp with you!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T00:02:00.000-06:00

Bob, Sean, Abby and I

with Molly in our hearts

wish you and yours a very

Merry Christmas!

Time Warp Tuesday: `Tis the Season (Updated)

2011-12-20T00:00:00.005-06:00

*Please read the update about the next topic/scheduling for our next Time Warp Tuesday towards the end of this post. Thank you!*

Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the twelfth installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

For those not familiar with Time Warp Tuesdays, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: `Tis the Season

"'Tis the Season to be jolly" or at least that's how the song goes... For some it is "the most wonderful time of the year" and others it can be bittersweet because it reminds us of those who left this world to soon or brings back other memories that aren't always happy ones. For many of us this holiday season is filled with mixed feelings of joy for "what is" and sorrow "what might have been."

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and/or another holiday this time of year, choose a post from your archives where you talk about the holiday season. Maybe you have written in the past about a holiday tradition that is important to you or blogged about the feelings and emotions that this time of year evokes in you. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week. Thank you to all who have already shared suggestions for future weeks! I do plan to use more of your ideas soon, but thought it would be nice to do another "holiday themed" Time Warp this week, which Jen from Here We Go Again suggested (to do holiday themed topics at the appropriate times of year). Thanks Jen!

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Time Warp Tuesday: `Tis the Season

Surprisingly (to me at least), I have not written that much here about Christmastime/the holiday season. I found that interesting when looking through my archives, as Christmas is my favorite holiday, so I would have thought I might have blogged more about it over the years.

I did come across a post that I am choosing to reflect on this week in which I talked about my love for Christmas and share about how I have collected meaningful ornaments over the years. I wrote this blog entry three years ago. It was our first Christmas season since our baby girl Molly was born and died and I was doing my best to find joy and peace in celebrating with family and friends, in spite of the immense grief that I was feeling. This was my eighth of twelve monthly posts in which I reflected on things that were helping me and my family to work through our grief, make peace with our loss and heal since our daughter/baby sister had left this world that April. This is the blog entry I chose to revisit:

Remembering Molly (8 months)

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

I enjoyed this trip down memory lane and the chance to revisit what our first Advent/Christmas season after Molly's birth and death was like for our family. It appreciated reflecting on each of the ornaments that friends and family members gave us that year, many in honor and memory of our baby girl. It was also interesting to see how we were all doing back then with processing our grief and loss. I love that Sean believed and was telling people that "Baby Jesus and Molly are in my heart."

Ironically, I posted this blog entry on December 17, 2008. Though I didn't mention it in my post, I know in retrospect that it happened to be the date of the beginning of my last menstrual period (LMP) before we conceived our daughter Abby. So I think it is awesome to get a glimpse from the future of what my family and I were on the brink of when I wrote this. I would have never believed you back then if you had told me I wouldn't have another period for almost two years (because of our pregnancy and breastfeeding) and that an amazing miracle, our third child/second daughter Abigail Grace, would soon be entering our lives and our hearts. Though she could never and will never replace our baby girl Molly, our rainbow child has brought so much healing, love and joy to our family.

One of my favorite parts of my old post is where I talked about the sermon that our pastor (the same one who ministered to us during our pregnancy with Molly and baptized her in the delivery room after she was born and before she died) had given at church the Sunday before I wrote it:

He gave an awesome homily about what it means to rejoice as we prepare for Christmas and all year long. Our pastor said gratitude is the way that we are able to survive and find joy in difficult times throughout our lives. This really struck me.

This moves and inspires me as much today as it did back then. I still find our pastor's words to ring true during what can be a bittersweet holiday season for so many people who have empty chairs at their tables. I appreciate the idea that focusing on what we are grateful for can help us to "survive and find joy in difficult times in our lives."

Earlier this month some of our loved ones lost their mother/grandmother after a long battle with cancer and just a few days ago other loved ones lost their daughter/sister (my cousin) unexpectedly. Though personally I did not have a close relationship with either of these women, I know that they both touched to so many lives and have left many people with broken hearts this Christmas season.

For those who have lost a child or any loved one of any age this year or in years past, please know that my heart goes out to you along with my thoughts and prayers this holiday season.

Three years after writing the post I chose to reflect on today, I still love what ornaments can honor and represent on our Christmas trees. Each year since I wrote my old post we have gotten at least one special ornament to celebrate our family and remember Molly. Pictured below are: our 2009 family ornament, the one we got in 2010 and our most recent addition for 2011 (our first Christmas in our new home), which we have yet to hang on our tree (because it is one of my gifts from Bob and the kids, though I picked it out/designed it with help from Personalization Mall dot com):

2009

2010

2011

Three years later we also still decorate "Molly's Tree" and bring it to her grave site around the same time we decorate our family's tree in our home. This is a picture that I took the weekend after Thanksgiving this year, when we brought our baby girl's tree to the cemetery where she is buried and placed it on her headstone. It is one of many traditions that I find to be cathartic and I believe helps Bob, Sean, Abby and me to honor and celebrate the memory of our our daughter/sister during this Christmas/holiday season.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this week. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours.

Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post this week. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

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The topic for the next Time Warp Tuesday is: New Years

Update: I have decided to post-pone next week's Time Warp topic and post until the following week in light of this busy holiday season. I look forward to reflecting on New Years with you in the New Year on Tuesday, January 3!

A new year, a fresh start, a chance to realign your priorities, focus your intentions and/or make some resolutions for the next twelve months of your life. Choose a post from your archives where you talk about preparing for or kicking off a new year in your life. Maybe you have written in the past about a new years tradition that is important to you, shared what your resolutions were for the coming year or blogged about the feelings and emotions that this time of year evokes in you. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? If you wrote about making any new years resolutions, did you keep them? How have your new years traditions changed or evolved throughout your life? Are you making any new years resolutions this year? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week. Thank you to all who have already shared suggestions for future weeks! I do plan to use more of your ideas soon, but thought it would be nice to do another "holiday themed" Time Warp next week, which Jen from Here We Go Again suggested (to do holiday themed topics at the appropriate times of year). Thanks Jen!

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here every Tuesday to find out the new topic, theme or question for the following week (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here on next Tuesday when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

Exhale & Swimming in Circles

2011-12-15T21:07:00.000-06:00

Exhale Magazine's Fall/Winter 2011 Issue is here! This issue's theme focuses on "Dreams." I wrote a book review about Michael C. Barr's Swimming in Circles and an essay (adapted from one of my previous blog entries) called Amazing Things Will Happen! that is among those featured in this current issue. For those of you not familiar with Exhale, it is an online literary magazine for those who have lost babies and those who have trouble getting or staying pregnant.

As I talked about in this this post, over the past year I have gotten more involved in the blogosphere, beyond my own little corner of it here at Four of a Kind, including joining the team at Exhale as the Public Relations/Social Media person (doing most of the Facebooking and Tweeting) and as a contributing editor.

Also in this issue's Exhaling with Our Editor our awesome Editor, Kristin Binder of Once a Mother, interviewed another of my favorite bloggers, open adoption and mindful living guru Lori of Write Mind Open Heart.

Please click over and take a look at Kristin's interview with Lori, along with the wonderful essays (including mine), poetry and my book review in our Fall/Winter Issue and let me know what you think. Thank you!

Time Warp Tuesday: Blogging

2011-12-13T00:01:00.009-06:00

Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the eleventh installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

For those not familiar with Time Warp Tuesdays, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Blogging

Note: Special thanks to Esperanza from Stumbling Gracefully who suggested this week's topic! If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

Last week I invited you to choose a post from your archives, that as Esperanza suggested, is about "blogging itself - what you think of blogging or the blogosphere, what it means to you and what it has given you." Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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Time Warp Tuesday: Blogging

This was one of those weeks where from the moment I chose to use Esperanza's topic idea, I knew exactly which blog entry I would revisit and share here today. The post that I picked to reflect on is one that I wrote earlier this year, in April, on my 4th Blogoversary:

4 Years of Blogging: Things I Have Learned

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

This is one of my favorite blog entries that I wrote this year and I am still very proud of it. My post truly captures all the wonderful and difficult things that I have learned through my experience blogging over the past four years and counting.

As for the response I received, to be honest, I wish I had gotten more comments and feedback on it. However, I am grateful for those who did take the time to share their thoughts about my words and congratulations on reaching this milestone on my blogging journey. Selfishly, one of the reasons I chose to revisit this post this week, in addition to being proud of what wrote, is in hopes that more people will get the chance to read it (and hopefully choose to comment), who may have missed it the first time around.

Not a lot has changed since I first shared this post here (other than my family and I moving and adjusting to life in our new home back in July) and thus I do feel pretty much the same way today about my experience blogging as I did when I wrote it eight months ago. That said, I appreciate the opportunity to revisit this blog entry and reflect on what I have learned over the past four years.

One of my favorite of the "24 things" that I shared in my old post was #6:

I have learned that I can apply my experiences during our five year journey through secondary infertility and loss to many other areas of life, especially when it comes to trying to be sensitive to and supportive of others who are going through difficult and uncertain times.

This continues to be one of the biggest take-a-ways for me when it comes to trying to make sense out of our journey through secondary infertility and loss, as well as what I have learned from my sharing about my life and experiences in this space.

It was especially helpful in recent weeks when the birth mother and father that my sister and brother-in-law had been matched with, in hopes of adopting their baby, had a change of heart after their daughter was born and decided to parent her. I truly believe I have been better equipped to support my sister through this difficult time in her life after my own journey trying to build our family did not go as I hoped it would or thought it could.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this week. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours. Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post this week. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

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The topic for next week's Time Warp Tuesday is: 'Tis the Season

"'Tis the Season to be jolly" or at least that's how the song goes... For some it is "the most wonderful time of the year" and others it can be bittersweet because it reminds us of those who left this world to soon or brings back other memories that aren't always happy ones. For many of us this holiday season is filled with mixed feelings of joy for "what is" and sorrow "what might have been."

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and/or another holiday this time of year, choose a post from your archives where you talk about the holiday season. Maybe you have written in the past about a holiday tradition that is important to you or blogged about the feelings and emotions that this time of year evokes in you. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week. Thank you to all who have already shared suggestions for future weeks! I do plan to use more of your ideas soon, but thought it would be nice to do another "holiday themed" Time Warp next week, which Jen from Here We Go Again suggested (to do holiday themed topics at the appropriate times of year). Thanks Jen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here every Tuesday to find out the new topic, theme or question for the following week (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here on next Tuesday when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

...that their light may always shine

2011-12-11T23:11:00.019-06:00

Earlier tonight I participated in a Candle Lighting sponsored by our local South Suburban Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. As many of you know, it is part of a much larger Worldwide Candle Lighting that takes place every year on the second Sunday in December at 7:00 p.m. around the globe.

Though every year since our baby girl Molly was born and died I have lit a candle on this night in her honor and memory, this was the first time that I participated in this memorial service with others who have also lost a child. The service was incredibly moving and very cathartic.

I went with a friend from the perinatal bereavement support group called Caring Connections that I attend at our local hospital. When we arrived we met up and sat with other friends from our group and some of their family members.

I am still digesting the experience, but wanted to write and share about a few things tonight while they were fresh in my mind.

When we first arrived at the church where the Candle Lighting was held, I had to go to the bathroom. My friend waited for me while I went before we entered the chapel. As I entered the bathroom I noticed there were two stalls, both of which appeared to be occupied and there was a young girl standing outside one of them. The service was due to start in a few minutes and I was anxious to go and make my way into the chapel. But I knew that it was going to be at least an hour long and didn't want to have to wait that long to go to the bathroom. As I waited for my turn I heard the young girl call out to her sister, "Hurry up Molly! We've gotta go!"

I believe it was the first sign that I received from our daughter Molly tonight, but not the last.

After my friend and I made our way into the church we found some of our friends from Caring Connections, took our seats and waited quietly for the Candle Lighting to begin. What followed was a beautiful and moving mix of readings shared by other bereaved parents and songs (mostly sung by one woman with a gorgeous and angelic voice) that related to our experience mourning the loss of our children and finding the courage and the grace to be able to learn to live without them in our lives, but knowing they are always in our hearts.

Further along in the service there were five big candles lit near the alter in honor of our children. One representing grief, one for memories, another for courage, the next for love and the last for hope. A bereaved mother or father lit each one and then shared a reflection related to the theme for the particular candle.

Then there was a photo presentation during which those of us who had sent in a picture of our child ahead of time got to see our child's name and image on a big screen at the front of the church as part of a video/music montage. The names and pictures were shown in alphabetical order which added a dynamic of anticipation (as the letter of your loved one's name was approaching) that made the whole experience even more emotional for my friends, me and I imagine many others who were there. It was so moving to see the names and pictures of both those children whom I know their parents and siblings, as well as those who I didn't know before tonight, but now feel a strong connection to after participating in this candle lighting together.

One of the pictures that moved me the most tonight was that of a single foot print, along with the name of a baby boy that left this world too soon. I found out later that the footprint belongs to the deceased son of a friend of a friend, who attended our Caring Connections support group regularly years ago. This woman still attends this Candle Lighting annually with our mutual friend (who is actually the awesome facilitator of our group and has ministered to me, and so many other bereaved parents, in that role ever since I began attending the meeting almost year after our ectopic pregnancy, our third pregnancy loss, in September 2006).

My friend, who I went there with tonight, daughter's name begins with an "M," just like my baby girl, but the second letter of her name comes before the second letter of my first daughter's name, so before experiencing viewing my child's name and photo, I got to see my friend's beautiful baby girl grace the screen at the front of the church. Soon after that I got to see this photo of our Molly and her name on the screen. I was overcome with emotion and so touched to feel my dear friends from Caring Connections reach out to me during that moment, holding my hands and touching my shoulder.

After the photo presentation came the actual Candle Lighting part of the service. One by one each person who was there and felt comfortable doing so had the opportunity to approach the front of the church, receive a candle and then speak the name of their child or loved one into a microphone. As the man who introduced this part of the service said, "we need to speak our children's names and for you to hear them." So true.

When it was my turn I got choked up, but I did it. Initially I only intended to say "I light this candle in honor of my daughter Molly," but after hearing many others share the names of other loved ones in their life that have died, in addition to their children or siblings, I also chose to share the name of my old and dear friend who died earlier this year.

After each person shared the name(s) of those they were there to honor the memory of we walked to the outer edges of the chapel and formed a circle. It was so crowed tonight that people also had to fill in some of the aisles and pews after saying the names of their loved ones out loud.

After saying "I light this candle in honor of my daughter Molly and my dear friend," I made my way over to one side of the church and stood in between the friend that I came with and my friend/the facilitator of our Caring Connections group. At that moment I looked up and across to the other side of the church and saw this:

It was the second time tonight I felt our baby girl (represented by the butterfly) was speaking loud and clear to me, only this time it seemed to me that our three angel babies (represented by the three roses) were joining the chorus.

Wow.

There have been a handful of times since our Molly-girl was born and died that I felt she has tried to communicate this directly with me and though I get that not everyone believes it is possible for her to do so, it works for me and was a wonderful and very special experience for me tonight.

After everyone at the service who wanted to share the names of their children and other loved ones they had come to honor the lives and memories of did so, a few people lit candles from those initial five (representing grief, memories, courage, love and hope) and then slowly, one by one, each person turned to the person next to them, so that they could spread the wave of candle light around the room. It was beautiful and reminiscent of the many Easter Vigil candle light church services that I have attended and participated in throughout my life.

For those of you who have attended a Candle Lighting like this you know what a wonderful and moving experience it is to be with those who understand what it means and feels like to lose a child. If you have lost a child and haven't had the opportunity to participate in a Candle Lighting such as this and you get the chance to next year or another time in the future, I encourage you to go and see for yourself what a beautiful and healing experience it can be.

For those of you who participated in a group Candle Lighting service tonight or lit candles in your homes in honor of your child(ren) or other loved ones that have gone to soon, my thoughts and prayers go out to you as you keep their memories alive...

...that their light may always shine.

I was touched at the end of the service tonight to receive a beautiful, handmade ornament that will hang on our Christmas tree this year, and in the years to come, as a reminder to me of this night and in memory of our Molly-girl and Babies Benson. I also got to take home a CD which has all of the songs that were shared in the service tonight, including one that I will leave you with the lyrics of. It was the second song sung at the Candle Lighting tonight and one I had never heard before. I listened to it a few times on the way home and find that it is yet another piece of music that captures so well how I feel about our daughter and babies that have gone too soon, but who I believe we will be together again with someday. The song was written by Katherine J. Cochran.

Until We're Together Again

Some believe a star shining brightly in the heavens
Represents the love of someone they can't see
Others feel the butterfly dancing in their garden
Is a symbol of a spirit flying free
But when a gentle breeze caresses your hair
Or you see an eagle soar in the air
Should you smile and remember me in prayer
Oh, I will be there.

(Chorus) There's no need to say good-bye
One day we'll be together
Remember me and smile
I'm in your heart forever
I'll feel the love you send
Until we're together again

Close your eyes
You'll find me sailing in the sunset
Riding waves of bluest oceans ever seen
Holding hands of all the others here before me
My head upheld to hear the angels sing
I can do all the things I've always dreamed of
I'll be watching over you from above
Don't worry about me because
I brought along all your love
(Repeat Chorus)

It doesn't matter where you are
My love will shine upon you from that star
Like the butterfly, now I'm free
Ascending through the sky peacefully
(Repeat Chorus)

And you hold on to the love I send
Until we're together again
We'll be together again.

Dreamers and Realists

2011-12-09T11:11:00.001-06:00

Recently Bob and I have been catching up on our DVR watching. We had gotten behind with Modern Family and have watched a half dozen episodes over the past two weeks.

We are almost caught up and especially enjoyed watching an episode from November called "Punkin Chunkin," which originally aired on the day before Thanksgiving.

This particular show was as amusing and laugh out loud funny as we find most Modern Family episodes to be. However, as this sitcom (with a bit of drama mixed in) does so well, this particular storyline led into a more serious monologue at the end of the show about "Dreamers and Realists" that really spoke to me.

So I did what I often do when I am moved by something I see, hear or read, I try to capture it. Bob helped me to rewind and pause until I had transcribed the whole piece.

This particular quote was delivered by the man who plays Cam on show and summarized so very well why often "dreamers" and "realists" are drawn to each other and make for healthy and balanced relationships.

I know this is the case for my husband Bob and me. I bet you can guess who is the realist and who is the dreamer in our relationship. Though that doesn't mean that we don't both have moments when we moonlight and indulge the opposite side of our regular personalities. We believe these differences in personality traits are part of what makes us work well together, though they are also what drives us crazy about each other much of the time.

So here is the quote:

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true.

You see the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well, without the dreamers they might never get off the ground.

Do you consider yourself a dreamer or a realist or somewhere in between? If you are in a committed relationship, would you categorize your significant other the same or different than you? Do you agree with the conclusion in this quote? Why or why not?

Time Warp Tuesday: Post Publishing Fear

2011-12-06T00:01:00.177-06:00

Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the tenth installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

As you may know, if you read my post last Tuesday, usually I like to kick off Time Warp just after midnight on Tuesday mornings, but last week I somehow managed to forget to write and post my blog entry Monday night before going to bed.

Initially I still intended to make it happen, but then decided it wasn't worth it to rush and force myself to do it half-heartedly Tuesday morning. I wanted to take my time and do the topic justice. So I chose to make it a "bi-week" and pick up where we left off today! So thank you for your patience with me, especially any of you who were ready last Tuesday to share and link up your posts.

In case you missed my original post about Time Warp Tuesdays, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Post Publishing Fear

Note: Special thanks to Jjraffe from Too Many Fish To Fry who suggested this week's topic! If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

As Bloggers we often share openly and candidly about our lives, experiences, hopes and fears. As a result, sometimes we may have second thoughts about publishing some of our blog entries. Two weeks ago I invited you to choose a post from your archives that you were most afraid to publish. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Did that validate your choice to publish it? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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Time Warp Tuesday: Post Publishing Fear

Of all the weeks for me to forget about posting and writing my Time Warp blog entry (last week), it had to be one with such a heavy and complicated topic... Maybe subconsciously I did fear tackling this this theme? I have thought a lot about "Post Publishing Fear" ever since Jjraffe suggested it and wondered which post from my archives I might choose and why.

Over the 4 1/2 years that I have been blogging the purpose of my blog, as well as my intentions in writing and sharing here, has evolved. In the beginning I was writing for a small group of close friends and family members who knew we were doing IVF to try to expand our family after over two years of dealing with secondary infertility and pregnancy loss. These loved ones were very supportive of our decision to try IVF and wanted to be in the loop as to what was happening with our cycles.

Starting and maintaining my blog saved me the trouble of having make the same phone calls over and over again, especially when I wasn't always in the mood to verbally share all the details. I also found it to be simpler for me then sending group emails. In those days I would often share about things here that were going on in my life and our family to get my mind off the stress associated with our fertility treatments, as well as to keep those family and friends following along updated on both how our cycles were going and how we were doing in general.

If I knew then what I knew now, I would never have shared as much as I did about our family or I would have made my blog private. But as always, I had the best of intentions and did not perceive where our journey through secondary infertility and loss would take us.

In the years to come people (who I didn't know in real life) managed to find my blog and we started interacting. Most of these people were other woman also struggling with infertility (primary or secondary) and loss who also found writing and sharing about their experience to be therapeutic. Eventually the focus of my blog changed from just a way of keeping close family and friends updated on our efforts to expand our family to a vehicle to connect with others who were having similar experiences. Then, over time, it also became a resource for those who are earlier on in their journeys through infertility and loss.

Especially after our daughter Molly was born and died, other bloggers would reach out to me when they heard of someone who was experiencing a stillbirth or neonatal loss and encouraged me to try to connect with them or they would encourage those bloggers to visit my blog to see how I was coping with my grief and loss.

When I joined Facebook in the summer of 2008, after some people in my life nagged me long enough that I gave in, I reconnected with a lot of old friends. Initially I did not share about the fact that I had a blog, but I did allude to the fact that Bob and I had struggled to expand our family. That was apparently enough to motivate some of my friends to contact me privately and inquire about our experience, as well as to share about their own challenges with infertility and loss. I started letting those people know about my blog (on a case by case basis), all the while trying to maintain a divide between my Facebook life and my blog life (even though with each passing day the line between them seemed to be getting thinner and thinner).

My blog has always been public, but I figured that only people who were interested in connecting with someone who was dealing with secondary infertility and loss would find it, unless I or someone else who knew about it were to share about its existence. As I have shared here before, earlier this year I felt like it was time to merge my two worlds and "come out" about my blog to extended family and friends who were not aware of it. I tested the waters initially by telling a few people directly and then eventually wrote this and shared it here, on our CarePage and as a note on my Facebook page.

Again, I had really good intentions and felt that in doing so that I might be able to help more people "suffering in silence" with infertility and loss. However, I did not think through well enough the ramifications of my actions, nor did I take the time to review my four years of blog entries to see if there was anything "out there" that it might be appropriate for me to edit or take down completely before inviting a wider group of people that I knew in to read all about our journey (which I had forgotten included a good deal about some of our close friends and family).

To make a long story short, in my effort to reach out and try to help others dealing with infertility and loss by "coming out" about my blog, I also hurt some of our loved ones who read what I had written over the years (that included some things about our relationships and details about their personal lives). I had never shared those things to exploit them. In most cases what I wrote about was in the context of asking for prayers during difficult and uncertain times in our family's life. However, when our blogs evolve, we need to be aware of and consider what we have written and how our words can hurt people, as much as they can help them. That is my greatest regret in "crossing over," that I didn't think it through well enough and prepare my blog for a greater audience.

Within a few months of my crossing over, I realized that I had used poor judgement on more than one occasion. I apologized to those I hurt through my actions, even though they seem to understand that I had good intentions at the time I wrote the blog entries in question. I also took down a few posts and edited many more to take out a lot of the personal information and details that didn't need to be there and were no longer relevant to my blog. Though removing and editing things doesn't change the past, it does change what will be available here going forward and I feel better about that.

Now when I write I am very aware that anyone can and may have the opportunity to read my words. This all relates to this week's topic of post publishing fear in that I pride myself on being a blogger who shares candidly about things I know others dealing with infertility and loss are grappling with. Those who struggle to build or expand our families have a lot of tough decisions to make along the way and I hope that some of what I share can be helpful to others following in our footsteps.

One of the hardest decisions that Bob and I have had to make since we began our family building efforts was whether or not to use the frozen embryos that were created through our IVF cycles in 2007, after the birth and death of our daughter Molly who had a very rare and severe combination of congenital heart defects. The post that I chose to reflect on today is one that I wrote earlier this year (in January) about our choice to donate them for stem cell research.

Here is the link to the post that I chose:

What Is

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

The main reason I feared sharing this post here was that I didn't want to be judged. I didn't want readers to see it and tell me that they thought we should have tried to use our frozen embryos or donate them to another couple. But for the same reason that many other times I put something "out here" that was outside of my comfort zone, I wanted to share this so that others who were faced with a decision like this could read about our experience and the thought process we used to come to this conclusion.

As I am sure is the case for most bloggers, I write and share here for many reasons. One of those is wanting to help others who are struggling with infertility (whether it is primary or secondary) and loss (at any stage of prenatal or neonatal development). So I put myself out here and risk the consequences, because I believe it is worth it. I think it is especially worthwhile if I can help others to lighten their load knowing they are not alone in facing these tough choices on their journeys to try to build and expand their families.

As far as the responses I received from readers to this post, I was (and continue to be) grateful for the positive feedback and validation that I got in the comment section. I had definitely been "holding my breath" in anticipation of pro-life activists or other people who felt strongly about embryonic rights finding me and this post and letting me have it. However, I appreciate that those who have read and commented to date seem to appreciate and empathize with our situation and the reasons we made our choice to donate our embryos for research.

I do not regret sharing this post or our decision to donate our frozen embryos for stem cell research.

I got choked up revisiting and reflecting on my post while writing this new blog entry. This was my favorite part:

When I woke up I didn't realize that today would be the day that I would finally be saying goodbye to our three frozen embryos, to the time and the love that went into their creation and the hope that their mere existence represented to the future of our family. I don't believe that anybody really grasps that in the early stages of infertility treatments and ART cycles. So here we are, wrapping up another chapter in our life and the story of our family.

I feel blessed and grateful that we had the resources and the opportunity to use ART to try to expand our family when we (especially I) so desperately wanted to have another child. I also feel sad that things didn't turn out differently. I wish that Molly had been healthy and born into this world under other circumstances. I wish that she could have come home with us and gotten to live her life here on this Earth a lot longer, instead of getting an express train ticket to Heaven. I wish that we had more optimism and confidence that our frozen embryos if we tried to use them might implant and develop into healthy babies and sustainable pregnancies, thus adding more wonder and life to our amazing family.

That said, I understand that we (and I) can go crazy entertaining thoughts of the "what ifs" and need to do my best to live with, honor and appreciate "what is." "What is" in my life now includes the incredible blessing that is my dear husband Bob, who loves me in spite so many of my neuroses that I have developed on this journey to make sense of how our family has come to be. "What is" in my life now also includes my two beautiful, intelligent, quirky living children who love me unconditionally and another very special child who I believe is watching over all of us from Heaven. "What is" in my life now are so many awseome friends and family members who have supported, encouraged, cared and prayed for us all these years that we struggled with secondary infertility and pregnancy loss, as well as new friends that I am meeting and developing relationships with. "What is" in my life now are a wide range of opportunities to go forward with all that I have learned from our journey trying to build our family and to hopefully be able to help others who find their paths to have children not going as they hoped or expected they would.

Sometimes I still allow my mind to wander and entertain those "what if" fantasies. However, I try to do my best to focus on, appreciate and relish in "what is." Reading this post was a wonderful reminder for me to be grateful for "what is," as we celebrate this holiday season, which can be bittersweet for me since many of our past losses have dates of significance that fall around this time of year.

As I said at the end of my post that I chose to reflect on,

I hope that wherever this post finds you today that you are able to move from focusing so much on life's "what ifs" to making the most of "what is" in your life and family.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this week. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours. Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post this week. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

Below you will find next week's topic and I hope that you will join me back here on Tuesday when we "do the Time Warp again!"

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The topic for next week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Blogging

Note: Special thanks to Esperanza from Stumbling Gracefully who suggested next week's topic! If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

Choose a post from your archives, that as Esperanza suggested, is about "blogging itself - what you think of blogging or the blogosphere, what it means to you and what it has given you." Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here every Tuesday to find out the new topic, theme or question for the following week (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here on next Tuesday when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

Feeling Helpless, But Not Hopeless (Updated)

2011-12-03T10:00:00.010-06:00

*I've added an update at the end of this post.*

This week I have gotten a taste of what it feels like to be on "the other side." The other side being a place where loved ones wait for news and do their best to show their love and support for those they care deeply for who are going through a difficult and uncertain time in their life.

It's not like I haven't ever been there for a close friend or family member during a rough patch before. But somehow this time has felt different. This may be because of just how close I am with those involved in this situation.

All the years we struggled through secondary infertility and loss I tried to be patient and understanding with those who were trying to show their love and support for us. But at times I was also quick to judge, especially when it came to receiving what I felt to be careless and insensitive comments.

During that time in our life I know that I was very self-involved and saw my world and everything that happened in it through the eyes of our inability to conceive and sustain another pregnancy long enough to bring another child home to love and care for.

The further out we get from that time, the more I am able to see and appreciate what it must have been like for those who love and care about us and were trying to help and support us during those years that we struggled to expand our family.

I have tried to keep all of this in mind in my efforts to "be there" for those in my life that are struggling right now. I have done my best choose my words wisely when I communicate with them, as I want them to know how much I care and not in any way contribute to the stress and pain they are experiencing.

This week a beautiful baby girl was born. My sister and brother-in-law, Molly's Godparents, got to be there to witness her delivery. This was because they had been matched with the birth parents to adopt their baby girl and were invited to be there to witness and celebrate the birth.

However, after holding her baby girl in her arms for the first time, the birth mother began to reconsider the adoption plan that they had developed in recent months. Everyone involved understands that this is not unusual, but that doesn't mean it is any less painful or bittersweet for all of us who love and care about this little girl, especially my sister, brother-in-law and the birth parents.

A lot has happened this week as the birth parents and my sister and brother-in-law have navigated the post-partum pre-adoption experience together. Long before the baby's birth this week the two couples grew to have a genuine relationship and really care about each other, which makes this even harder in some ways and easier in other ways.

There have been some indications that today the birth parents will decide and let my sister and brother-in-law know whether or not they are *keeping* the baby. I can only imagine what a heart-wrenching choice that is to make.

Selfishly I want so much for my sister and brother-in-law to get to parent this baby and for my niece/Goddaughter to get to be a big sister. But if the birth parents choose to parent their daughter, I get it and respect that. I also understand that there is a chance that if they decide to parent that at some point in the coming weeks or months they could still change their minds and ask my sister and brother-in-law to adopt their baby girl.

I just feel so helpless right now and know I am not alone. As is common with grief filled times in our lives, there are so many different emotions going through my mind and so many layers to my feelings.

This baby girl was born into two families that have so much love they feel for and want to give her. This was *supposed* to be an open adoption and we were all excited to know that the baby's birth parents would still have a significant role in her life after they signed "the papers" this week, as they had intended to do when the 72 hour mandatory waiting period was over. However, I appreciate that until you meet your child after birth and get to know them, you can't truly make a choice of that magnitude.

So now we wait. We hope. We pray. We wonder. We wish for the best for everyone involved. We prepare for whatever choice is made. We know we will survive whatever that may be.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The picture in the post is of a charm that my sister bought yesterday and is wearing on a chain during this time of waiting. She says that doing so has brought her some peace and represents the hope she feels right now. She has expressed that she doesn't see the "hope" as being directed at the birth parents' decision whether or not to parent their baby girl, as much as it encompasses her gratitude for the love, care and relationships in their lives that are helping all of them through this difficult and uncertain time, whatever the outcome may be.

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to all those touched by adoption on this bittersweet day for everyone involved in the new life of this precious baby girl. I ask for your thoughts and prayers as well during this time. Thank you.

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I was waiting to hear of her birth, knowing the birth mother was in labor at the hospital, while I happened to be at the grocery store with Abby. I must have been spacing out considering the items on our shopping list when all of a sudden I tuned into the song that was playing on the store's speaker system. I heard the lyrics (my favorite from the song), "repeat the sounding joy" and thought about how joyful it would be this holiday season if this baby girl gets to join our family.

Joy is a very special word to my sister and brother-in-law as it was the theme of their wedding three years ago and they chose it to be their daughter's middle name when they adopted her a year and a half ago.

So though it may not *mean* anything, I choose to also find hope, peace and comfort in hearing "Joy to the World" and think about "repeating the sounding joy" this holiday season with our loved ones, even if this very special baby girl doesn't get to join our family.

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Update (Monday, December 5): For those who have been following my sister and brother-in-law's journey trying to adopt another child, they found out yesterday (Sunday) afternoon that the birth parents, who they had been matched with in September and had chosen them to adopt their baby girl, have decided to parent their daughter.

Thank you so much for your kindness, thoughts, prayers, love and support during this difficult time for our family.

I am adapting a comment that I wrote on my sister's Facebook status update about this news to share here:

I am so proud of my sister and brother-in-law. I know this experience has been very hard for them both and they have handled every up, down, twist and turn with strength, mindfulness and grace.

My sister has talked about finding relief in finally knowing the birth parents’ decision. I too find some relief in this situation being resolved, even though things didn't turn out the way many of us hoped/wanted them to. I also feel disappointment and sadness that this child will not be a part of our family. As my sister has said and I agree, this precious baby girl is so very loved and will be raised by parents who do really care about her. All three of them are blessed to have had my sister and brother-in-law in their lives.

I hope and pray that the birth parents will pay forward the kindness my sister and brother-in-law have shown them someday, if nothing else by being the best parents to their daughter they can be. My sister and brother-in-law did everything they could have to assure she entered this world knowing only how much she was wanted and loved.

7 Years

2011-12-01T07:30:00.001-06:00

7 years ago today we experienced our first miscarriage.

7 years ago today we lost our pregnancy innocence.

7 years ago today our first dream of having another child close in age to our son died.

7 years ago today we tried to understand why.

7 years ago today we tried to accept what had happened.

7 years ago today we tried not to give up hope.

7 years ago today we believed that we could get pregnant again someday.

7 years ago today we believed that we would get to bring another child home.

7 years ago today we never imagined where our journey to expand our family would take us.

7 year ago today we hoped and prayed that someday we would have the family of our dreams.

7 years later the pain of our first pregnancy loss is still here, but its softer now.

7 years later we are able to appreciate some of the good that has come from our experience with secondary infertility and loss.

7 years later we are doing our best to be grateful for what we have without forgetting what we have lost.

7 years later we feel blessed and lucky for our family, just the way we are.

What I've Learned from NaBloPoMo

2011-11-30T15:26:00.002-06:00

I did it! Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo and with this post I have completed my goal of posting once a day, everyday, for the month of November!

I've written more posts this month than I wrote in all of last year!

I found through participating in NaBloPoMo, though I have also noticed this in the past, that just as "sleep begets sleep," that "writing begets writing." The more often I write the more inspired I am and the easier I find it to be motivated and have something to say.

When I signed up for NaBloPoMo I originally plotted out the entire month including ideas/writing prompts for myself for each day. I did this as a sort of security blanket, knowing that if nothing else, I would have my "plan" to fall back on. However, early on I found myself "bumping" some of my original ideas for given days as I came up with other, more timely, things that I chose to write about.

Participating in NaBloPoMo has been such a fascinating experience! It allowed me to experiment with different ways of writing posts. In the past I would often treat my blog entries more like letters to an old friend. I would feel compelled to begin my posts with a greeting and say "thank you for reading" at the end of my posts. During this month of daily blogging I tried writing posts where I just jumped right into the topic without any greetings or salutations. I also tried whenever possible to include questions at the end of my blog entries, related to what I wrote, in effort to engage readers more, encourage them to comment and share their thoughts and perspectives.

In the spirit of Mel's helpful post on BlogHer called What Bloggers Can Learn from Marathon Runners, I found that sometimes when trying to blog daily you can hit a wall and you have to work through it. That happened a little past the halfway point for me. It was bizarre, because had I not been participating in this writing exercise, I would have just taken a few days (or more) off from writing/posting on my blog, no big deal. But since I was determined to finish what I started, I made myself push through my writers block.

I took one of Mel's pieces of advice in her marathon analogy post, "give yourself a few down days where you schedule in a wordless picture post. Even writers need time away from words" and did a few blog entries this month in which I used one or more pictures with minimal writing/short captions. I also wrote post about experiencing lulls and funks and really appreciated the comments I got from others who have been there.

Going further with that marathon analogy, I don't know if I will be a "one and done" NaBloPoMoer or if I will try again someday. If do, I might like to give it go during a month other than November, when less people participate (I had no idea that over 2,000 bloggers would be participating in this writing exercise) and there is a theme with related writing prompts. I am definitely going to blog as I feel moved to for the month of December, but probably not every day. Being in the habit of writing more often this past month though may inspire me to write more often than I usually have in the past.

Because I like my Top Ten Lists and am proud of a lot of the writing that came out of my experience doing NaBloPoMo this month, I decided to put together one for my favorite blog entries that I wrote over the past thirty days.

My Top Ten Posts from NaBloPoMo 2011:

10. An Open Apology (Day 7)

9. Storm Home (Day 26)

8. An Ode to Black Friday (Day 25)

7. Perfect Moment Monday: On Having Enemies (Day 28)

6. Where is God? (Day 27)

5. Time Warp Tuesday: Attention (Day 15)

4. We aren't the only ones... (Day 23)

3. Thanksgiving is... (Day 24)

2. Otherness (Day 9)

1. On Being a Writer (Day 12)

Thank you to all those who read any or all of my posts over the past month and for supporting me with your encouragement and especially your comment love!

If you participated in NaBloPoMo this month or have done so in the past, what did you learn from your experience? Do you think you will do it again in December or another time the future

If you have not tried NaBloPoMo, what is holding you back?

Time Warp Tuesday: Delayed Start (Updated)

2011-11-29T07:52:00.011-06:00

*PLEASE READ THE UPDATE AT THE END*

This morning I woke up and had one of those moments where I felt like I had forgotten to study for a big exam back in my school days. I was thinking about my day and what was hoping to accomplish when it occurred to me that I had forgotten to post (or even write) my Time Warp blog entry for this week!

Usually I write my Time Warp posts on or before Monday and schedule them to go up just after midnight Tuesday morning. But this week I had holidays and perfect moments on my brain, among other things. Last night, when I might have otherwise remembered to get ready for Time Warp this week, I was putting together a photo calendar, an annual gift for some of our family members, and I was reading and commenting on many of the perfect moments that people shared as a part of Lori's monthly blog hop over at Write Mind Open Heart. It is not unusual for me to be doing more than one thing at once. I thrive (well, most of the time) on multi-tasking.

So for any of you that may be more organized than I am today and ready to link up your Time Warp posts, I will try to get my post ready ASAP to allow us to do the Time Warp again this week! Bob has left for work, Sean is off to school and Abby is still sleeping, so I will see what I can do before she wakes up this morning. Though I don't want to rush too much, as it is a very interesting topic!

As in past weeks, the LinkyTool will be open until Sunday night, so if you are having a busy week too, you are certainly still welcome to participate after today (Tuesday) has come and gone.

Please come back soon (keep an eye on your readers) to check out my post, link up yours and see who else is doing the Time Warp this week!

Click here for details (in last week's post) about how to participate (it's not to late) and to read more about this week's topic: Post Publishing Fear, suggested by Jjaraffe from Too Many Fish to Fry. I promise I wasn't *afraid* to write my post this week, I just forgot!

Update: I have decided to post-pone this week's Time Warp topic and post until next week. There is a lot going on in my life, my head and my family (mostly wonderful things, one of which I can't wait to share about here, but am not at liberty to yet) and can not seem to focus enough today to get my blog entry together. So rather than force myself to do it half-heartedly, I want to take my time and do it justice. So we will make this a "bi-week" and pick up where we left off next Tuesday with the topic of Post Publishing Fear. Thank you for understanding. If you did write and post on this topic today, please share a link in the comment section, as I would love to read and comment today and will be sure to link up to your post next Tuesday. Otherwise, if you haven't posted yet and are willing to wait, please save your posts for next week and if you hadn't gotten a post together in time either for today, now you have an extra week to ponder and prepare! :)

Perfect Moment Monday: On Having Enemies

2011-11-28T07:29:00.002-06:00

It's the fourth Monday of the month which means its time to share our Perfect Moments from November with Lori from Write Mind Open Heart!

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Throughout my life I have struggled to accept and make peace with the fact that not everyone I encounter is going to like me.

I often wish I didn't care so much about what other people think, but I do.

When I realize that for whatever reason someone in my life doesn't seem to like me, I find it hard to understand.

I try to treat others as I want to be treated and always have good intentions.

For these reasons, among others, it baffles me why some people don't love, care about and appreciate me for who I am, the way most of my friends and family do.

That said, I get that sometimes our personalities just clash with others' and we aren't going to click with everyone we meet.

I also understand that the different values we have and interests we cultivate factor in to how we may or may not be able to build meaningful, or even just positive connections, with others.

I recently came across this quote for the first time and it has helped me to make peace with having people in my life who don't seem to care for me:

"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." ~ Winston Churchill

Thinking about Churchill's words and making progress in my efforts to accept that not everyone in my life is going to love, or even like me, is my perfect moment for this month.

Does it bother you when you know someone(s) in your life doesn't like you? How do you deal with it?

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Lori from Write Mind Open Heart says that "Perfect Moment Monday is about noticing a perfect moment rather than creating one. Perfect moments can be momentous or ordinary or somewhere in between." I love the idea of being mindful of and blogging about perfect moments. In the past I have often used my blog more to write about things I am struggling with and though I know that is valid and important for me at times, I appreciate the idea of being intentional about also sharing the simple and very special moments in our lives. Many thanks to Lori for this idea, a wonderful opportunity to focus on what is right in our life, instead of what is wrong.

Click here to read about and comment on more Perfect Moments (there are links to others' posts at the bottom of Lori's blog entry) and/or add a link to one of your own.

Thank you for reading. I hope that you have a wonderful week and that you are aware of, as well as able to notice, many perfect moments in your own lives.

Lastly, this week we are doing the Time Warp again here on my blog and I would love for you to join us!

Click here to read more about Time Warp Tuesdays, find out this week's topic and get your posts ready (if you haven't done so yet) for this blog hop/writing exercise.

I hope to see you back here tomorrow and I look forward to "doing the Time Warp" with you!

Where is God?

2011-11-27T18:42:00.001-06:00

This morning Bob, the kids and I attended a mass and reception in honor of the 25th anniversary of the ordination of a priest that Bob knew from high school. He was one of Bob's favorite teachers and Bob has always loved hearing his sermons.

During the man of honor's homily today he told a story. He mentioned that it is a story that he has also shared over the years when he led Kairos retreats for his students. As the story goes, there was an old man who had been beaten down by life. The man was cynical and often felt depressed.

One day the man was at church and encountered a young boy who was full of energy and exuded joy.

The man said to the boy, "I'll give you a quarter if you can tell me where God is."

The boy replied, "I'll give you a dollar if you can tell me where God is not."

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Sadly this year our parish has lost two young people.

When the mother of one of those who died was writing a thank you message to everyone who had paid their respects and supported her family through the early days of their mourning, she talked about how during difficult and painful times in our lives we may wonder "where is God?"

Then the bereaved mother went on to say that in the midst of their grief her family looked around at all those who have shown them so much love and kindness and saw God in each and everyone of us.

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On this first day of Advent I wish you and your loved ones peace, love and the grace to see God in everyone and everywhere in your life.

Storm Home

2011-11-26T17:00:00.147-06:00

This weekend we have started putting up Christmas decorations in our new home. It is starting to feel more like wintertime. Usually while preparing our home for the holidays we play Christmas songs to help us get into the spirit of the season. This year it has been especially nice that our son Sean has been able to help us more with things like decorating our Christmas tree and Abby seems to be more able to understand and join in the "festivities."

Another thing that always helps to get me in the mood for winter and the holiday season is to listen to a classic story told by Garrison Keillor from A Prairie Home Companion called "Storm Home."

For most of my childhood and adolescence I recall my dad making audio tape recordings of A Prairie Home Companion every week on Saturday evenings from 5:00 - 6:00 p.m. (CST) on NPR. He would then listen to the recordings of his favorite radio show later that night or in the days to follow. If there was a part of the show that week that he especially enjoyed, he would often play it for my mom and sometimes my sister and I too.

At the time I didn't fully appreciate why he liked listening to A Prairie Home Companion so much. But as I have gotten older, I understand more why people are drawn to Garrison Keillor, his incredibly soothing voice, his antics and his gift for story telling.

When I was in high school, back in the early 1990's, I attended and helped to plan and facilitate some Operation Snowball weekend retreats. During the closing session of the weekend retreat every year one of the adult staff members, who also happened to be a family counselor that my family knew and had a relationship with, would play Garrison Keillor's "Storm Home" story, which was an excerpt from one of his weekly "News from Lake Wobegon" segments on A Prairie Home Companion.

If you are familiar with A Prairie Home Companion, you know that Lake Wobegon is a fictitious town in Minnesota that Garrison created in his vivid imagination and has shared stories about for years. His stories are amusing and heart warming, they make listeners laugh and cry as they find out what has "happened in Lake Wobegon over the past week."

In this particular story Garrison shares about a way that he uses to "quiet himself down" when he gets scared. He talks about when he was child and attended a school that was a good distance from his home how each student was assigned a "storm home" that they could go to after school if and when there was a blizzard that hit during the school day that would make it difficult for them to get to their own homes safely.

Though Garrison shares that he never actually got to go to this "Storm Home" because all of the blizzards of his childhood were "convenient" ones that took place on the weekends and at nighttime, he tells of how he imagined what it would be like to spend time at his "Storm Home," with the couple that lived there and he had been assigned to stay with in the case of a storm. Garrison says that just knowing his "Storm Home" existed and that he could go there if he needed to was extremely comforting to him.

Towards the end of the story, Garrison talks about how we all have "Storm Homes" that help us to quiet ourselves and bring us comfort during scary, difficult and uncertain times in our lives. He shares how important our imaginations can be to help us cope with our fears and make us feel safe when we need to.

In this story Garrison makes analogies to places that share characteristics to his "Storm Home" in many well known and classic stories, such as Mr. Zuckerman's Farm in Charlotte's Web. He talks about how therapeutic it can be to be able to *escape* to those places when we need to find comfort and feel safe.

Listening to "Storm Home" at the end of our Operation Snowball retreats is a favorite adolescent memory of mine and to this day when I need to find comfort and quiet my mind I will listen to Garrison's calming and peaceful voice as he tells me once again about the place in his imagination that that he has loved to think about over the years.

Do you have anything in particular that you do to comfort and quiet yourself during scary, difficult, uncertain and/or stressful times in your life? What places in your life or your imagination have served as "Storm Homes" for you?

Last week I wrote this post about my "happy places" in which I shared about some of the "storm homes" in my life and imagination.

If you haven't heard Garrison's story "Storm Home" or want to listen to again, you can do so by clicking on the video below. I hope that listening to it brings you the peace and comfort that is has brought me over the years.

I wish you and yours a peaceful evening and a wonderful winter/holiday season.

An Ode to Black Friday

2011-11-25T05:57:00.000-06:00

After yesterday's fun and great meal,
we're up early lookin' for deals.
Some think were crazy,
but certainly not lazy.
We'll shop till we drop with zeal!

Thanksgiving is...

2011-11-24T06:45:00.003-06:00

watching our children walk hand and hand, knowing how blessed and lucky we are.

Photo credit: early bird photography and fine art

We aren't the only ones...

2011-11-23T15:11:00.004-06:00

who still remember.

It means so much to me and other bereaved parents to know that, especially as more and more time passes since the deaths of our children.

Last night Bob and I were watching the Chicago evening news when we happened to see an amusing story about a couple that got a flat tire on the way to deliver their baby girl at a local hospital. With the help of an Illinois Department of Transportation (IDOT) employee, they got their tire changed and made it there safely before her birth. Bob and I thought it was a nice coincidence to find out that they named their daughter Molly Marie. You can see the actual news story by clicking on the video below.

My point in telling you this is that I shared about the story on Facebook and our good friend Tina commented that she had seen the news story too and "thought of your Molly Marie right away!" Reading her words and finding out that Bob and I were not the only ones who saw the story and thought of our baby girl meant a lot to me.

Recently a friend of mine (who is a fellow bereaved mother) received a very special letter, at an unexpected and opportune time, from a NICU nurse who cared for her daughter before she died over four years ago. In the the letter the nurse described how beautiful my friend's baby girl was and all the things she remembered about her unique personality and the time she spent with her. She also shared what an impact my friend's baby girl had made on her life and how she will never forget her.

I was also told not long ago that the nurse who took care of us and Molly the day she was born and died still has the magnet that we gave her with Molly's name in the sand on her locker at work and that she has told one of our mutual friends over the years that she still thinks about us and our baby girl.

I am not sure if I have ever shared here that though that nurse wasn't able to care for us on the day Abby was born, she did stop in to visit us before the c-section to deliver her began. She wanted us to know how happy she was to see us back at the same hospital in labor and delivery under more positive circumstances.

In a world where "life moves pretty fast," as Ferris Bueller says, it means so much to know that we aren't the only ones who remember (even though sometimes it may feel that way).

Time Warp Tuesday: Thanksgiving

2011-11-22T00:01:00.004-06:00

Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the ninth installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

Today is also the twenty-second day of NaBloPoMo, so if you found your way here from the Blogroll (I'm #313 on the list of 2,216) or the open thread, a warm welcome to you! This post is what I hope and intend will be the twenty-second of thirty posts, in thirty days, here on my blog. I am excited to be 2/3 done now and feel confident that I will will be able to go the distance. I appreciate your encouragement and I am excited to be doing NaBloPoMo for the first time this year!

In case you missed my original post about Time Warp Tuesdays, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Thanksgiving

With it being the week of Thanksgiving, last week I invited those doing the Time Warp to choose a post from your archives in which you talked about something(s) in your life that you are thankful for. I know being able to focus on what I am grateful for in my life has helped me during difficult and uncertain times, as well in keeping a positive attitude in my day to day life. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Are you still thankful for the same thing(s) that you were back then? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post? What do you feel thankful for today, this month and/or this year?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week. Thank you to all who have already shared suggestions for future weeks! I do plan to use your ideas soon, but thought it would be nice to do a "holiday themed" Time Warp this week, which Jen from Here We Go Again actually did suggest (to do holiday themed topics at the appropriate times of year). Thanks Jen!

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Time Warp Tuesday: Thanksgiving

I wrote the post that I chose to reflect on this week three years ago. It was one of twelve monthly "Remembering Molly" posts that I wrote in the year following our baby girl's birth and death in April 2008. This one was written in November 2008, seven months after our daughter Molly Marie was born and died. It was close to Thanksgiving that year, so I did talk about the upcoming holiday and what I was thankful for in my life at the time.

Here is the link to the post that I chose:

Remembering Molly (7 months)

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

As with so many posts that I have chosen to reflect on as a part of this Time Warp Tuesday blog hop/writing exercise over the past few months, revisiting this one was bittersweet. Remembering what it felt like seven months after Molly's birth and death, during a time when we didn't know if we would ever be able to bring another living child into our family, is both painful and inspiring. Looking back I am proud of myself that in the midst of my grief I was able to recognize that there was much for my family and me to be thankful for that year as we approached the Thanksgiving holiday that year. This is one of my favorite parts of my post:

We do realize that there is "always, always, always something to be thankful for." I recently found that quote on a beautiful ceramic heart, with a cross carved inside it, at a Hallmark store and bought it for our home as a reminder that no matter what trials we face in life, we have more blessings than challenges if we take the time to name, be grateful for and focus on them.

The ceramic piece that I mention and the cross that the post is primarily about both have prominent places in our new home (which we moved to in July), where we and our guests can continue to see them often. As we approach Thanksgiving this week, I find myself facing some challenges in my life and reading my old post, including the quote from it that I shared here, are helpful reminders for me. I want to try to focus on what is going right in my life and my loved ones who help to make me feel good about myself, as opposed to what is wrong and those who do not seem to care much about me or treat me kindly. It isn't always easy to do this, but it is certainly a healthier way to think and to live.

I wish you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving (if you celebrate the holiday)! I also hope that you are able to be aware of all that is right in your life and that you have to be thankful for during this holiday season.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this week. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours. Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post this week. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

Below you will find next week's topic and I hope that you will join me back here on Tuesday when we "do the Time Warp again!"

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The topic for next week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Post Publishing Fear

Note: Special thanks to Jjraffe from Too Many Fish To Fry who suggested next week's topic! If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

As Bloggers we often share openly and candidly about our lives, experiences, hopes and fears. As a result, sometimes we may have second thoughts about publishing some of our blog entries. Choose a post from your archives that you were most afraid to publish. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? What kind of response did you get from readers in regards to your post? Did that validate your choice to publish it? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here every Tuesday to find out the new topic, theme or question for the following week (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here on next Tuesday when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

Welcome November ICLWers & NaBloPoMoers!

2011-11-21T11:56:00.000-06:00

If you are visiting my blog for the first time, thank you for stopping by!

If you have been here before, thank you for returning!

I have been blogging here at Four of a Kind (formerly Three of a Kind Working on a Full House...) for 4 1/2 years now. My family and I dealt with secondary infertility and loss for over five years and being able to write and share about our journey here has been invaluable. To find out more about me, you can check out this page. You can find links to some of my favorite posts here.

This month I am doing NaBloPoMo for the first time and it has been an interesting experience. Today is Day 21 and I am proud of myself for having posted 21 days in a row so far. I am confident that I will be able to finish what I started and reach my goal of writing and sharing a blog entry here every day this month!

Every week here on my blog I host a blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesdays. You can read more about it here. The idea is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them. I would love for any and all of you to join me this week (starting tomorrow) or any week in "doing the Time Warp!" This week, in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, we are reflecting on a post from our archives where we talked about something we were thankful for in our lives. You can find out more here about participating in Time Warp Tuesday this week.

I will leave you with three random things about myself and three questions for you. I would love for you to answer any and all of them in the comment section:

Thing 1: I recently started playing Words with Friends on my phone via the app and Facebook. It is the first Facebook game/app that I have ever really gotten into. I find it to be a lot of fun and appreciate how it challenges and stretches my mind to come up with words that work into this Scrabble-like game.

Question 1: Have you ever played Words with Friends? If so, what is your favorite thing about it?

Thing 2: Every year we put up our Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving. This year is our first year living in our new home during this holiday season. Over the past few days I have been staring at my living room trying to decide where we should put our Christmas tree here.

Question 2: If you celebrate Christmas and/or decorate a Christmas tree in your home, how do you decide where to put it every year? Do you always put it in the same location or do you vary it from time to time?

Thing 3: Another thing I am really looking forward to this week, besides getting together and spending time with our family on Thanksgiving, is going shopping with my mom and sister on "Black Friday!" This is a family tradition that the women on my side of the family partake in most years the day after Thanksgiving.

Question 3: How do you feel about "Black Friday?" Do you like to go shopping and take advantage of some of the great deals available that day or do you avoid going anywhere near a store or shopping mall on the day after Thanksgiving?

Thank you to those who have already left me comments here on my blog today via ICLW! I look forward to visiting and commenting on your blogs too this week!

Disney World (Then and Now)

2011-11-20T14:58:00.000-06:00

THEN -- My dad, my sister, me and my mom in front of Spaceship Earth at Epcot (July 1985):

NOW -- Me, Abby, Bob and Sean in front of Spaceship Earth at Epcot (November 2011):

26 years after I first visited Disney World with my parents and sister I got to return there to experience the wonder and magic with my husband and children.

My Happy Place

2011-11-19T20:30:00.001-06:00

Today I had one of those days, the kind where you don't know whether to laugh or cry at times and to be honest I did some of both.

When this happens there are a variety of ways that I use to process my experience and to cope. As evidence here on my blog, one of my outlets is writing and sharing.

However sometimes I just want to escape, go somewhere and forget my troubles. Sometimes I literally go somewhere, as in on a run or to a group fitness class (exercise is a huge stress reliever for me). Other times I will escape virtually through praying, meditating, listening to music, reading a book, a magazine, other blogs and/or watching a favorite movie or television show. (Have I mentioned how much I love Parenthood?!)

Another way I get away from it all, when I can't physically go somewhere, is to go to one of my "happy places." I do this by closing my eyes and imagining that I am in one of my favorite places, such as the beach on Hilton Head Island, South Carolina (where my maternal grandparents retired to in 1979, lived until the late 1990's before their deaths and I have many happy childhood memories of).

Lately, when I need a quick pick me up, I have found a new "happy place" that I like to visit. I go and watch some of my favorite video clips on YouTube, including this one (which my fellow University of Illinois alumni may appreciate and have probably seen already). Watching them are one of my simple pleasures in life and help me to get my mind off whatever might be clouding my vision.

So where do you go when you need to escape your reality now and then? Where are your "happy places?" What helps you to cope and feel better when you are having an off day?

I will leave you with my current favorite YouTube video the History of Rap performed last year on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon by Jimmy, Justin Timberlake and The Roots. If you enjoy this one as much as I do and haven't seen the sequels, be sure to check out History of Rap Part 2 and Part 3. Though they are not quite as awesome as the original (in my opinion), they are very entertaining and if you are a fan of rap music (like me), I think you will get a kick of out them.

Lulls and Funks

2011-11-18T07:17:00.021-06:00

It is Day 18 of NaBloPoMo and I have hit some kind of lull or funk.

Its not that I don't have enough ideas for what to write about here, its that I am just not *feeling it.* I have a list of topics that I am looking forward to exploring, but today I do not have the inspiration and motivation to *go there.*

In my regular blogging life, when I am not trying to post every day, there would be a simple solution here, not to write and post a blog entry today.

However since I am determined to finish what I started with NaBloPoMo, I am writing this post and will "publish" it here. That said, I decided not to force myself to write about one of the many topics that have been brewing inside of me that I want to do justice to. As I feel like if I do make myself write about one of the topics I have in mind, the blog entry will not be as good as I know it can be. Instead I will wait until I feel inspired to dive into them and instead will write about how I am feeling and what I am experiencing right now.

We all have them, right?! The times when we are not inspired and motivated to do that which we want to do or think we are *supposed* to do. We get into these "lulls" or "funks" and it can be hard to climb out of them.

So what do you do when it happens to you? How do you pull yourself out lulls and funks? Do you allow yourself to wallow for awhile? Do you have a special way that you get yourself back on track?

I would love for you to share what works for you during times like this in your lives. Maybe that will help turn things around for me and get me over this *hump* and back into the blogging groove that I was having so much fun with earlier this month participating in NaBloPoMo!

Also, I know other bloggers have done this before, but I have never tried it here. If there is anything that you would like to see me touch on or write about here, please feel free to ask me a question or suggest a topic and I will gladly consider writing one or more posts to answer your question(s) and/or address your ideas. Thank you!

The Letter of the Day is "L"

2011-11-17T14:54:00.001-06:00

Lately Abby has gotten very verbal and, for two year-old, she speaks very well. However, she struggles to pronounce her "Ls" just right. When she uses the letter "L" in a word, if often comes out sounding more like an "LY" sound.

So when our little girl says words like:

"umbrella"

the color "blue"

or

"Pablo" (one of her favorite characters from the Backyardigans)

she sounds so unbelievably cute!

It took us a long time to get to this point, to be able to enjoy these little, buy very special, moments in our life with our daughter (after our five year journey through secondary infertility and loss), so I like to be able to take a step back to relish in them and also share about them here now and then. Thank you for indulging me.

A Beautiful Cartoon

2011-11-16T11:04:00.001-06:00

Congresswoman Gabrielle "Gabby" Giffords and her husband Mark Kelly's ABC News Special Interview with Diane Sawyer aired on Monday night. I haven't seen the whole thing, but have caught clips of their moving interchange about Gabby's "journey towards recovery" in various headline news stories. As so often is the case with national news stories, such as this one, its amazing how we can forget, at least temporarily, about these tragedies until those most affected resurface to share about their journeys since the fateful events.

Hearing about the interview with Congressman Giffords jogged my memory about a beautiful cartoon that I came across awhile back. A man named Jeffrey Koterba began following me on Twitter earlier this year and as I often do when someone new follows me, I clicked through to his website to learn more about him and his work. He has a unique approach to drawing and writing comics and I was especially struck by this one:

Mr. Koterba gives the back story about what inspired him to create this beautiful cartoon in this post on his blog. But in a nutshell, not long after the assassination attempt on Congresswoman Giffords he found out that a young girl named Christina Taylor Green, who was also shot that day and died, happened to be born on September 11, 2001.

In his blog entry Mr. Koterba writes about how the idea for this cartoon came to him and he went with it (as I often find myself doing with some of what I consider to be my best and most inspired writing). He also shares how touched he was to find out that his beautiful cartoon has made its way to Christina's family. As a bereaved mother, I can only imagine how much something like this means to her loved ones, especially her parents.

I hope that Mr. Koterba's creativity and inspiration in this beautiful cartoon will serve as another way for those whose lives were touched both by Christina and all those who died on 9/11/01 to honor the memories of their loved ones, as well as to help them work through their grief and heal.

Time Warp Tuesday: Attention

2011-11-15T00:00:00.004-06:00

Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the eighth installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

Today is also the fifteenth day of NaBloPoMo, so if you found your way here from the Blogroll (I'm #313 on the list of 2,216) or the open thread, a warm welcome to you! This post is what I hope and intend will be the fifteenth of thirty posts, in thirty days, here on my blog. I am excited to have reached the half way point and feel confident that I will will be able to go the distance. I appreciate your encouragement and I am excited to be doing NaBloPoMo for the first time this year!

In case you missed my original post about Time Warp Tuesdays, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Attention

Note: Special thanks to Jen from Here We Go Again who suggested this week's topic! If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

Last week I invited those doing the Time Warp to choose a post from your archives that as Jen suggested, "generated the most interesting comments (in your opinion) or a post that you were surprised got so much attention." Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Why do you think it generated such interesting commentary and/or got so much attention? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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Time Warp Tuesday: Attention

When I originally approached this week's topic, I misread Jen's suggestion and looked for which of my blog entries had literally gotten the most comments and therefore I supposed the most attention. Only two of my posts have ever received over 50 comments and they were on the day that our daughter Molly was born and died and on our daughter/"rainbow baby" Abigail's birthday. Both were birth (and in one case death) announcements of sorts and people seemed to come out of the woodwork to show my family and me their love and support (on two of the happiest and most bittersweet days of our lives) through commenting here.

I know in both instances our big news was shared via the LFCA, as well as in other's blog entries with links to the posts encouraging people to visit and comment. Though both times I was in a fog when the posts were written and the comments received, I have returned to them many times over the years since to read the incredibly kind and thoughtful words that family, friends and fellow bloggers wrote. I re-read all of the combined 100 + comments in preparation for this post and was very moved by the overwhelming expressions of care and compassion.

For this week's topic, as I understand it and I think Jen intended it to be, I decided to try to take out of contention all of my "big announcement" blog entries (including Molly's birth and death and the posts leading up to her passing, my announcement that we were expecting Abby, that she was a girl, her birthday and pictures of her and with our family soon after her birth), which make up the majority of my posts that have gotten the most comments and attention over the years. Though these blog entries and the many comments they received mean a lot to me, I don't believe they represent my best or most inspired writing. I think that they got so much "attention" because they were written during some of the best and worst moments of my life, during times when I needed all of the love, care, concern, prayers, support and encouragement that people were willing and able to shower me with.

So when looking for a blog entry that "generated the most interesting comments (in your opinion) or a post that you were surprised got so much attention," I came across this one. Though it *only* received five comments, it is one of three of my posts that Mel has chosen to feature in her Friday Blog Roundup over the years, which I certainly didn't expect when I wrote it. Also, one of those five comments is one of my all-time favorite comments that I have ever received here on my blog, so that made this post especially memorable for me.

This is the blurb that Mel wrote about my blog entry for her round up:

A post about being finished with having children. Once they receive news about the chance of having another child with the same medical conditions as Molly, they make a soft decision to end family building, but she states: “That said, it is one thing to come to that decision on our own and felt very different to me last week when I was under the impression that someone else, the Pediatric Geneticist, was discouraging us from going down that road again.” I love the end of the post, bringing together the concept of the alpha and the omega. It’s just a gorgeous read.

Here is the link to the post that I chose:

Omega and Alpha

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

Revisiting this post was especially timely for me, as recently Bob and I have been discussing how soon we may be ready to move from our soft decision (to be done trying to expand our family) to a hard one. We continue to believe that being done is best for us and our family, but making this choice final is not something we take lightly. After all we have been through on our journey to build our family, moving on will never be easy, especially for me, and has a lot of feelings and emotions wrapped up in it. Reading this blog entry was very interesting and bittersweet for me to see what I was thinking, and how I was feeling about all of this, almost two years ago.

The comment I referred to earlier in my introduction to my Omega and Alpha post was this one from Are You Kidding Me? She wrote:

A girl from the Southwest side of Chicago, stopping by (via Stirrup Queen's Friday Blog Roundup) to say that it takes courage to let go. Most people think that the courageous are those who take risks, but there is a lot of courage in turning away from things you want too. Much luck, and enjoy your beautiful children.

Reading her words today mean as much to me now as they did then. So often we think that taking risks and trying again show courage and strength and that can be true. But I found her perspective on our situation so validating, as I agree that it also "takes courage to let go" and to move on. As Bob and I contemplate taking the next steps to put an end to our family building, ten years after we started trying to have our first child, reflecting on this post and our journey since has helped me to make peace with the idea that it is okay to allow our hopes, dreams and ideals for our lives and our families to evolve.

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this week. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours. Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post this week. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

Below you will find next week's topic and I hope that you will join me back here on Tuesday when we "do the Time Warp again!"

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The topic for next week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Thanksgiving

With it being the week of Thanksgiving, choose a post from your archives in which you talked about something(s) in your life that you are thankful for. I know being able to focus on what I am grateful for in my life has helped me during difficult and uncertain times, as well in keeping a positive attitude in my day to day life. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Are you still thankful for the same thing(s) that you were back then? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post? What do you feel thankful for today, this month and/or this year?

Note: If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week. Thank you to all who have already shared suggestions for future weeks! I do plan to use your ideas soon, but thought it would be nice to do a "holiday themed" Time Warp next week, which Jen from Here We Go Again actually did suggest (to do holiday themed topics at the appropriate times of year). Thanks Jen!

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here every Tuesday to find out the new topic, theme or question for the following week (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here on next Tuesday when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

Sibling Snippets: Short & Sweet

2011-11-14T07:32:00.000-06:00

One Sunday morning, not long ago, soon after we sat down in a pew at church, Abby turned to her big brother and said enthusiastically in her sweet little voice, "Hi Sean!"

Sean replied to his little sister, in his own heartfelt way, "that never gets old."

My Muse

2011-11-13T09:17:00.004-06:00

She comes to me at night, when I should be sleeping.
She inspires me to write and I can't hold back.
The words flow and I feel like I am on fire.

Sometimes I really feel like someone or something is using me as a vehicle to communicate.

When this happens I feel compelled to go with it and often find myself lying in bed typing feverishly with my thumbs in the "notes" app on my iPhone. Then later I will email myself the notes.

Some of my best blog posts (in my opinion) have come to me and been written this way.

Awhile back I came across this blog post, with an interesting discussion in the comment section, about muses via @elizabethscraig (who frequently tweets interesting and helpful links about writing). If you are intrigued by the concept of muses I think it is a worthwhile read.

So now you tell me...

When and how does your muse visit you?

On Being a Writer

2011-11-12T07:21:00.003-06:00

Recently I had another one of those "a-ha moments." I was reflecting on what, if any, good has come from our journey through secondary infertility and loss.

I have shared here in the past that I believe that our first pregnancy loss (the early miscarriage that we experienced in December 2004) brought me to realize the value of and importance in exercising regularly. Initially working out was therapeutic for me as I grieved and processed our first miscarriage. However, eventually I grew to appreciate how prioritizing exercise made me feel, regardless of if I was dealing with difficult and uncertain times in my life. I know now that no matter what happens in my life going forward, that I will always make time for running and/or participating in group fitness classes for the good of my mind, body and spirit.

My latest "a-ha moment" came earlier this month, when I was thinking about what other good things have come from our subsequent losses and our experience with secondary infertility. It was then that I realized, surprisingly for the first time, that our journey brought me to writing.

I have my babies who are not here with me to thank for driving and inspiring me to write.

How did I not think about or realize that before?!

That doesn't mean I wouldn't give up writing to have any one of our babies back and living here with us on Earth. However, I get that is not possible and finding some meaning and consolation in how their short lives helped lead me to a greater love and appreciation for writing (both my own and others') is a huge breakthrough for me.

Along the same lines, awhile back my mom was talking with a close friend of hers, who is a retired journalism professor from Northwestern University. Both my mom and her friend have read my blog over the years. During their conversation my mom asked her friend what she thought about me writing a book and/or "becoming" a writer someday... Her friend's answer surprised my mom, but also made perfect sense to her. Her friend replied, in regards to whether she thought I might become a writer someday, "she already is!"

When my mom relayed their conversation to me, I found it very validating. As it helped me to know at the time, and to this day, that there are many levels of success when it comes to being a writer. Being published is an incredible accomplishment, but achieving that is not the only way to make an impact in the lives of others through our written words.

Though I'd love to have something I have written published someday, I realize what I do now is still relevant and important for me and others.

11-11-11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.014-06:00

11 is my lucky number! I love on November 11th at 11:11 and 11 seconds to make "the ultimate wish." I try to make use of both of my chances (AM & PM) to do so every year.

I believe my older sister Meg taught me to make wishes at 11:11 along with many other fun and quirky things throughout my life. I have even won some cash when I bet on it, along with my sister's lucky number 27 (which is a story for another day), while playing Roulette in Vegas!

Two weeks ago I bought a gallon of milk (more like 4 gallons, as we go through them quickly here in the Benson family) and was happily surprised to see the sell by date stamped on it!

I can't wait to make my "ultimate wish(es) today on 11-11-11 at 11:11:11 a.m. and/or p.m.! I am also likely going to be in a very special and magical place when I do so (at least one of the times), which I look forward to sharing more about here next week.

I debated what time to "schedule" this blog entry to post because I am planning ahead, knowing I might not have access to a computer today. In the end I knew that I had to go with the obvious choice... So by the time you read this I hope you have already made at least one of your "ultimate wishes" today (if you believe in this stuff, like I do).

I think getting to celebrate this "lucky day" in a location that I never imagined I would be on this date (at least until recently), with three of my favorite people in the world is pretty awesome!

How are you spending this "lucky day?" Do you plan to make (or have you already made) a wish(es) at 11:11:11?

Happiness is...

2011-11-10T08:35:00.019-06:00

looking into your mother's/daughter's eyes and seeing her smile.

Photo credit: early bird photography and fine art

Otherness

2011-11-09T11:45:00.005-06:00

Photo Credit: Michael Brosilow

Last week Bob and I got to see another wonderful play at the Steppenwolf Theater here in Chicago. Our last visit there was to see a memorable piece called Sex with Strangers which I wrote about here. That play dealt with the power of words (both in print and on the Internet), as well as how they relate to intimacy.

This time we went to see a critically acclaimed and Pulitzer Prize winning play called Clybourne Park written by Bruce Norris and directed by Steppenwolf ensemble member Amy Morton.

Similar to last time, my parents, sister and brother-in-law, all of whom have "subscriptions" (like season tickets) to Steppenwolf, told Bob and I how much they enjoyed the production and encouraged us to see it. My parents ended up thoughtfully and generously giving the tickets to Bob as his birthday present and offering to watch our kids so we could enjoy a night out together.

I absolutely loved this play! I thought it was hilarious, but also very moving and insightful. The premise was a look a race relations and the housing market in a Chicago neighborhood over the span of 50 years.

The first act took place in 1959 in a house that an older white couple was preparing to sell to a black family. They were the first on their block and in their community to being willing to do so and many of their neighbors were not pleased. Unfortunately this reaction was common back then, at the beginning of "white flight," as this phenomenon is referred to. The couple's friends and neighbors were afraid that a black family moving in would motivate others to move and cause housing prices to go down significantly, not to mention their lack of comfort being around those who were different then them, in this case ethnically.

The second act takes place 2009 in the same house, only now there is an older black couple who live in the neighborhood and representing a community association that is concerned about a white couple who has purchased the property with plans to demolish it and build a new, much bigger home, on the land there. In this act they look at and discuss issues surrounding gentrification and what makes a house or a neighborhood special, important and/or valuable to others.

My parents thought Bob and I would like this play because this is a subject that has interested us for years. Not unlike my parents who chose to move to Evanston (the suburb that borders the north side of the city of Chicago), before my sister and I were born, in part because they were attracted to its ethnic, cultural and racial diversity, Bob and I chose to settle in our Beverly neighborhood here in Chicago in part because we also appreciate living and raising our family in a diverse community.

Back when "white flight" began, the community we live in now worked together to try to keep white families from moving away, but also welcomed black families, and those of other racial and ethnic backgrounds, to buy and settle in our neighborhood. This really impressed me when I first learned about it and it continues to be one of the things that I love about where we live. I am proud to be able to say that our neighbors on our old block and our new one include those of a variety of racial, ethnic and even religious backgrounds (though in our neighborhood there is less religious diversity than some).

Growing up in Evanston I had a lot of acquaintances of various racial and ethic backgrounds, including African Americans/blacks. Though if I am being completely honest, I did not have a lot of black friends. Back then I was always intrigued by what made various people get along and/or want to spend time together and become friends (and I still am curious about that today). I wondered if it truly came down to issues surrounding race and ethnicity or if for some it was more about socioeconomic status.

One summer in college I worked at a residential summer camp in Algonquin, IL and was paired with another female camp counselor for most of our time there. This women happened to be black and we became fast friends. Throughout the summer we had some really great and very candid conversations about our differences and similarities, especially related to our ethnic backgrounds. We also allowed each other to ask questions that typically are considered politically incorrect, inappropriate and/or off base for white people to ask black people and vice versa. We learned a lot from each other and it was a very eye opening experience for both of us.

Anyway, my point in sharing all of this is that I consider myself to be a fairly open minded individual, but I also realize and am honest about the fact that I think we all have some inherent prejudices and it can be very difficult to look beyond certain stereotypes that we have grown to associate with various groups of people, whether they are of a particular race, gender, religion or some other category. That doesn't mean that I don't think we should try, though.

This play takes a hard look at the points of view and perspectives of people on all sides of the issues of race, ethnic, cultural and socioeconomic diversity. It also points out that even in 1959, there were factors that influenced what made a person, a couple or a family feel like the were (or were not) part of a community, other than these things.

One of the story-lines in the first act dealt with how the white couple selling their house in the city and moving to the suburbs were bereaved parents. Their son had served in the Korean War, during which (while following orders to "secure the perimeter") he committed what today would be considered war crimes on innocent people. After returning home, the young man's neighborhood was not supportive of him and his parents. The couple's son was depressed and he felt like an outcast, though it was not related to his race or ethnicity, he still did not feel like he was part of their community. Ultimately their son chose to take his own life.

After their son committed suicide the couple felt even less like they belonged in their neighborhood. People were afraid to talk to them about their son's death and their grief. As a bereaved parent I could appreciate this, even though the circumstances of our daughter's death was very different and she was a baby and not a grown woman. At one point during the dialogue in the first act, a "concerned" community member who is trying to talk the couple out of selling their house to a black family, talks about how important it is to preserve their neighborhood and community as it was. However, the man who is selling his home tells the other man that he hasn't felt like he was truly part of their community since his son returned from Korea and died.

This story-line really struck me, as experiencing racism or sexism are not the only things that can make a person feel like an outcast. This play explores the idea of "otherness" in terms of what it means to feel like an "other," however that might be defined. Sometimes we feel like an "other" because of our background, our education level, our socioeconomic status, our religion or because of a life experience we have had that sets us a part (such as being a bereaved parent, having a child(ren) with special needs, being out of work/underemployed and/or suffering with the diagnosis and prognosis of a life-changing illness). I know that I have felt like an "other" at times throughout my life for various reasons, including being a woman, dealing with secondary infertility and being a bereaved mother.

When we feel like an "other," it is natural for us to want to surround ourselves with those who understand and appreciate what makes us different from the mainstream/majority. Thinking of "otherness" as not being confined to just categories of race, ethnicity and gender I believe can help those of us that are traditional categorized as being in the majority, to better empathize with, be more sensitive to and have compassion for those who are typically considered to be in the minority.

What does "otherness" mean to you? Do you consider yourself to be an "other" in any way? Why or why not? Does being an "other" help you to be more sensitive to and show compassion for those who are different from you for any reason?

One really cool thing that Steppenwolf Theater offers after each of its performances is the opportunity for its audiences to stay after the play for a post-show discussion. Bob and I stayed last time we went there and really enjoyed listening to what transpired. So this time we decided to do so again. There was even someone there that night from NPR taping people's questions and responses for a story they are doing about Clybourne Park.

Some of the topics discussed in the post-show discussion with moderator Bill Savage, a Distinguished Senior Lecturer and expert on Chicago literature from Northwestern University, were about the principles that we believe we have in life and about how they have costs. There was discussion about how this play addressed a lot of tough questions, including what defines a community, what it means to feel part of a community and how every person's identity is made up of many different aspects.

The post-show discussion also addressed the historical value that we attach to objects, including our homes. Mr. Savage pointed out that the first act takes place in 1959 during the Cold War and the second act takes place 2009 during the Global War on Terror and we looked at how the play deals with bigger issues of American identity.

One audience member posed the question whether or not a character in the play happening to be deaf was meant to be a comedic element and/or a commentary on how we try to listen, but we don't always really hear each other. Mr. Savage and many others in the audience, including me, thought her question was profound.

Mr. Savage spoke a number of times about how intentional Bruce Norris, the play's author, was with various plot devices. Though he can be subtle with his writing, in most cases things such as one of the characters being deaf, was likely done on purpose and for more than one reason. Mr. Savage also pointed out how there was a lot of symmetry between the story-lines throughout the play. He talked about how the white couple's son commits suicide by hanging himself and another couple in the story's baby died in utero from a chord accident, both instances of strangulation.

For those who are local to the Chicago area, "Clybourne Park" has been extended through this Sunday, November 13. I highly recommend it, if you have the time and resources to get there. Sometimes you can find good deals on Goldstar, such as half priced tickets. At the time I wrote this there were still tickets available here on Goldstar for tonight (Wednesday) and the 7:30 p.m. show on Saturday. Also, from what I understand this play has also been performed other places, so if you ever have the chance to see, I believe it will be worth your time.

I will leave you with a quote from Martha Lavey, Steppenwolf Theater's Artistic Director, that spoke to me in her introduction to Clybourne Park in the program:

"Human nature is, perhaps forever, a carnival of good intentions and deep, tribal demands."

I can appreciate and relate to the idea that so many of us have good intentions when it comes to trying to be a part of, and make others feel comfortable, in our communities, however our "tribal demands" run deep, which makes it difficult for us and others to assimilate with those who we do not have as much in common.

Thank you for reading and for contemplating what "otherness" means in our culture and society with me. I would love to hear your thoughts about all of this and your answers to the questions I posed about "otherness" in the comment section if you want to share.

Time Warp Tuesday: Meet-Ups

2011-11-08T00:01:00.185-06:00

Let's do the Time Warp again!

Welcome to the seventh installment of my blog hop/writing exercise called Time Warp Tuesday here on Four of a Kind!

Today is also the eighth day of NaBloPoMo, so if you found your way here from the Blogroll (I'm #313 on the list of 2,216), a warm welcome to you! This post is what I hope and intend will be the eighth of thirty posts, in thirty days, here on my blog. I appreciate your encouragement and I am excited to be giving NaBloPoMo a try this year!

In case you missed my original post about Time Warp Tuesdays, here is the background of how and why I came up with the idea. If you are here to participate and link up your post, you can do so with the Linky Tools at the end of this post (or if you have any difficulty using it, you can share the link to your post in the comment section here).

The gist of Time Warp Tuesday is to revisit and share some of our favorite blog entries from our archives and reflect on our journeys since we wrote them.

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The theme for this week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Meet-Ups

As I shared in my post last week, no matter how long you may have been blogging, it is likely that you have formed relationships with others who also write and post about their lives on the Internet. If we didn't care about connecting with others who have some shared experiences, we likely would be content just to write in our own personal journals, rather than a public weblog. Sometimes we have the opportunity to meet another blogger in person and that can be a wonderful experience or maybe we have enjoyed the fantasy of getting to "meet-up" with a blogger that we feel a strong bond with or admire.

Choose a post from your archives where you wrote about "meeting" a blogger(s) offline. Your post might be about a time you were able to meet-up with another blogger and wrote about it on your blog or it can be a post where you shared about wanting to meet a blogger. Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might have needed some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Has your relationship with the blogger(s) you met up with offline changed since you got together? If so, how? If you haven't gotten to meet the blogger(s) that you wrote about wanting to connect with in person, do you think you will ever get to meet-up with them? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your original post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote it?

Note: This week's topic was suggested by Lori from Write Mind, Open Heart. If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

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Time Warp Tuesday: Meet-Ups

I have only met-up with other bloggers (that I first got to know online) offline twice, the first time I wrote about in the post that I chose for this week's Time Warp and the second time I wrote about here.

When Lori suggested this topic I knew immediately which post I would be reflecting on, in part because I haven't had the opportunity to meet many bloggers offline and also because getting to meet-up with our Stirrup Queen Melissa Ford two years ago, when she was in town (here in Chicago) for BlogHer 2009, was such a great experience for me!

Here is the link to the post that I chose:

BlogHer and Our Stirrup Queen!

Please go and read the post that I am reflecting on today (and comment if you choose), if you haven't already, and then come back here to see what I have to say about my journey since I wrote it.

***Here is where you left off before you stopped to read my old post.***

As I said in my post that I am reflecting on today,

Getting to spend time with (Mel) today felt like a combination of getting to meet an old friend and a celebrity. Ever since I first stumbled across her blog two years ago I have been amazed at all that she has done and continues to do for our ALI blogging community. I wish that her book existed back in April 2007 when I began blogging, while we were doing our first IVF cycle. However, I am still glad to have my own copy now and was honored when she signed it for me today.

Two years later I still continue to be in awe of Mel and all that she is and all that she does for her family, her friends, ALI Bloggers, BlogHer members, NaBloPoMoers and fellow writers in general (especially those who aspire to try to get their writing published). I know that we all have busy lives, but when I stop and think about everything that Mel juggles in her life and how she still manages to make time for so many people that she cares about, both on and offline (including me) I am impressed and feel grateful.

Ironically tonight (Monday), as I have been writing on this post, I received three separate emails from Mel about three topics that I had written her about at various times recently. I joked in one of my replies to her that she must be getting ready to check "reply to emails from Kathy" off her "To-Do List!"

Since I wrote my original post after meeting up with Mel, as many of you know, her second book and her first novel was published, a chick-lit book called Life From Scratch. I really enjoyed participating in the book tour that Lori hosted for Mel's book earlier this year. If you haven't read Life From Scratch yet, what are you waiting for? Seriously, check it out!

At the time I wrote my original post I was consumed with my hopes and fears related to my pregnancy with Abby, after having lost Molly the previous year soon after she was born. Back then I still blogged more out of necessity, to process my life and my journey through secondary infertility and loss and to connect with others who had been in my shoes.

Since then I have grown to love blogging and writing for somewhat different reasons. Though I still love to connect with other bloggers who have had similar experiences trying to build or expand their families, I have also gotten more involved in (and become more aware of the vastness of) the blogosphere than I was back then. I have even ventured out of my little corner of it here, including working with Exhale, doing more with BlogHer and writing for the3six5 Chicago.

Two years after writing my original post, I continue to be grateful for the friendships that I have made through the blogosphere and getting to meet one of my favorite bloggers in person was really awesome! I hope that I will have the opportunity to spend time with her offline again someday, as well as to meet-up with more of my bloggy friends, especially the blogger who suggested this week's topic.

Interestingly, I recall when I wrote this having little interest in attending or participating in a BlogHer conference, even with it being held in my very own town that year. Now, I would love to be able to go to BlogHer `12 and am seeing what I can do to make it to NYC next year in August for the big event!

Thank you for reading and for doing the Time Warp with me this week. I look forward to your feedback about this post, as well as reading and commenting on all of yours. Please feel free to comment even if you didn't write your own Time Warp Tuesday post this week. It is not too late to participate if you are interested, click here for the details.

Below you will find next week's topic and I hope that you will join me back here on Tuesday when we "do the Time Warp again!"

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The topic for next week's Time Warp Tuesday is: Attention

Note: Next week's topic was suggested by Jen from Here We Go Again. If you have an idea for a future Time Warp topic, theme and/or writing prompt, please feel free to share it in the comment section or send me an email. If I choose to use your idea, I will give you credit and link to your blog that week.

Choose a post from your archives that, as Jen suggested, "generated the most interesting comments (in your opinion) or a post that you were surprised got so much attention." Then write a new post on your blog about why you chose the post that you did and what has happened in your life since.

Participants can write about whatever you want in your new blog entries. However, for those who might need some help and inspiration to get started, here are some questions to consider:

Why did you pick this post? Has your perspective changed since the day you wrote your original post? Why do you think it generated such interesting commentary and/or got so much attention? Do you think you would still feel the same way if you were writing your post today? What have you learned about yourself, your family and your life since you wrote your original post?

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For those new to Time Warp Tuesday, here is a quick recap of how it works:

1) Browse through your old blog entries to find one that fits the topic for the given week. The topic is shared at the end of the previous week's "Time Warp Tuesday" post here on my blog (see above for next week's topic).

2) Write a new blog post in which you introduce, link to and then reflect on your journey since you wrote the older blog post and put it up on your blog on Tuesday. Please include this link http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/search/label/Time%20Warp%20Tuesdays in your blog entry, so your readers can find their way to my post with the list of other participants, in case they would like to read more or participate themselves.

3) Share the link to your new post here on Tuesday and then visit, read and comment on the other blogs.

4) After you have done all of these things, you are welcome to grab the code for the the Time Warp Tuesday button by clicking here and put it on your blog. The link will take you to a Google Doc where you can copy the code. If your browser does not allow access to your computer's clipboard, you can use Ctrl-C for Copy and Ctrl-V for Paste, or use your browser's Edit menu.

5) Check back here every Tuesday to find out the new topic, theme or question for the following week (I welcome your ideas and suggestions) and then return to Step 1 of this recap to participate.

Please let me know if you have any questions and I hope to see you back here on next Tuesday when we'll "do the time warp again!"

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Thank you again for reading, commenting and participating in my very first Time Warp Tuesday blog hop. Link up below and click through to visit others who are doing the Time Warp! (If you have any trouble with Linky Tools, please share the link to your blog entry in the comment section.). Also, please don't forget to comment on my post here, as I do not have a link to this (my own) post below, but I would still really appreciate your feedback. xoxo

An Open Apology

2011-11-07T07:27:00.009-06:00

Dear family and friends,

I am not a doctor or nurse. I have no medical credentials, unless you loosely consider my knowledge of anatomy that I gained through studying to become a certified group fitness instructor. I have spent many years consulting with Dr. Google and other online "experts" about all things related to pregnancy, secondary infertility and loss. I get that through doing so I have learned a lot, more than most people will ever care or need to know about these topics. However, that still does not make me qualified to speak as if I am a trained medical professional.

So lately when I have talked with some of you, especially those who are dealing with issues and situations related to pregnancy, I know that I have at times crossed the line with my input and "advice." I pride myself on trying not to give unsolicited advice, but after all I have experienced myself with pregnancy and loss, it can be difficult for me to keep my mouth shut when we are discussing your personal experiences with pregnancy and loss.

I know that you know I have good intentions. But just because I mean well doesn't mean that I don't have to be responsible for what I do and say. I want the best for you and your loved ones. I worry about you, and your babies, because I know too much about what can happen with pregnancy at any stage of development. It is an occupational hazard of being a bereaved mom and having experienced pregnancy loss many times over.

I sometimes wish I could get back to that time and place when I was more innocent and naive about what can go wrong with a pregnancy. I wish that when you approach me to discuss what is happening in your lives that I didn't feel so compelled to share my two cents with you. As I get that most of the things that I tell you will likely not significantly change the outcomes of your situations.

As you probably know, I do this because I care. But I also appreciate that sometimes you would rather be "in the dark" about what could happen and not have as much information as I offer you to consider, as you wait and wonder about the fate of your babies. I want to help you feel positive and optimistic that you will get to bring your babies home. I want you to want to talk with me about your hopes and fears. However, I don't want our interactions to add to your fears and take away some of your hope.

So though I have already apologized to some of you in person, I imagine there may be others whom I have offended that I am not aware. For this reason, I wanted to share this "open apology," to remind you how much I care and how desperately I wish, hope and pray that you get to have the family in your hopes and dreams.

Going forward I will continue to try to be more mindful of what I say to you when we talk. Its not that I think you are over sensitive, I just realize now that I don't always have to share every thought that comes to mind as it relates to your pregnancies and situations, just because I may have had a similar experience or know someone who has.

I wish you the best on your journeys to build and expand your families. I feel blessed and lucky to know you and be a part of your lives. I am grateful that you trust me enough to share so openly and honestly with me about your hopes, dreams and fears and I hope that you will continue to come to me for the support, encouragement and unconditional love that I want to to give you.

Thank you for reading and I hope that you accept my apology.

Discipleship

2011-11-06T11:45:00.004-06:00

I scheduled this blog entry to post today around the time that I will give my witness on the women's retreat (see my post from yesterday) that I am helping to facilitate at our church this weekend. My witness is about "Discipleship," what it means to me and my faith journey. I ask that if you read this around noon (CST) and you are the praying kind, to please say a little prayer for me that my words will touch the hearts and minds of those participating in our "CRHP" retreat this weekend. My witness will likely be about 40 - 45 minutes long and I am both excited and somewhat nervous about sharing it with those on "making" the retreat.

Thank you for your support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers during the time that I have been in formation preparing to"give" this CRHP Women's Retreat. I will leave you with an excerpt from my witness, specifically the conclusion that I will read as we send the women forth to return to their lives, their vocations and their families hopefully feeling spiritually refreshed and renewed from their retreat experiences this weekend. Mine is the last witness that they will hear on the retreat, so I hope and pray that it inspires them to look at and reflect on discipleship in their own lives today and in the days to come.

In the end, I think that so much of what defines our happiness in life is how we choose to spend our time. I still have a long way to go with this, but I realize that to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ, I need to focus more on being there for and sharing my faith with my family, friends, neighbors and fellow parishioners and less on making plans, being a perfectionist, multi-tasking and concerning myself with whether or not events and experiences “live up” to my expectations. It’s easier said than done, but I consider myself a work in progress.

I will leave you with another of my favorite quotes and then one of my favorite songs, one that reminds me of our baby girl Molly and of the importance of time in our lives, especially in light of the fact that we truly never know which day could be our last with our loved ones on this Earth.

So first, the quote:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." ~ Gilda Radner

And now the song (here are the lyrics, if you want to follow along while you listen -- Note: It will be played at the end of my witness for the participants and other teams member to hear. If you want to listen to it, you can press play on the embedded YouTube video on my sidebar to the left, titled "Time with Molly"):

What is time?
Is it the Autumn leaves that change,
or the snow that floats from the sky.
What is time?
Is it the air we breathe,
or the wings that teach a newborn bird to fly.
Who can tell?
I don't know.
Will we change?
Will we grow?
What is time?
Is it eternity in Heaven,
or just a hope for peace on Earth.
Where's the time?
Gone, in the blink of an eye.
But with every blink a birth.
We live, we learn, we love, in time.
We give, we yearn, we grow, in time.
Time for change.
It's time to care.
It's not too late, don't despair.

Renewal

2011-11-05T09:00:00.015-05:00

By the time you read this the women's retreat that I helped to plan over the past six months and am facilitating this weekend will be underway.

The retreat is called Christ Renews His Parish and is often abbreviated/referred to as "CRHP."

When we moved to this neighborhood 8 1/2 years ago many of our older neighbors and friends that we made in our parish started telling us about these awesome retreats they had participated in back in the 1980s and '90s, when "they were our age." I was curious to know more and wished I had the opportunity to participate.

I have been a retreat junkie for years, I participated in one for the first time when I was in high school with a youth group and was hooked! I loved having the opportunity to deepen my faith and my spirituality. I also got to help plan and facilitate retreats, which showed me what an incredible experience "giving" a retreat for others can be. I continued to be involved with retreats (both religious and secular, including Operation Snowball) in high school, college, grad school and as a young adult after I joined the workforce.

Finally a few years ago a new pastor came to a church, the one who ended up supporting us with spiritual counsel during our pregnancy with Molly and baptized her in the operating/delivery room after she was born, before she died. Our Pastor knew how wonderful CRHP had been for our church community back then and decided to revive the program!

This happened around the same time Abby was born. So as much as I wanted to participate, I turned down the first three invites I received, because I was still nursing our daughter and didn't feel ready to be away from her for long.

This past March I was invited to attend again, finally was available (though I hadn't completely stopped nursing Abby at that time, we were down to once a day and I knew missing a one or two wouldn't be a big deal) and decided to participate in CRHP.

My retreat experience was just what I needed at the time. It helped me to feel closer to God and my faith, during a time when despite attending mass most weeks and teaching Religious Education regularly to second graders in our Parish, I was not feeling very strong in my spirituality or my relationship with God. I left CRHP feeling refreshed, renewed and recommitted to being a disciple and helping to spread the “Good News.”

“Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary, use words.” I heard someone say a long time ago and it has always stuck with me. Some people attribute it to St. Francis of Assisi, but when I looked it up there is no record of him actually saying that.

Its hard to believe that about a month ago we were concerned whether or not we would have enough participants to "make" the retreat. Around that time we only had one woman registered. We had a discussion about the future of this program in our parish and how many people would need to get involved to make it worthwhile to continue.

I was in a meeting with other men and women who had made CRHP retreats at our parish in the past and four of men there told how they were "dragged kicking and screaming" to the retreat weekends that they attended, but that it "changed their lives." They encouraged me and the rest of our team to, "not take 'no' for an answer" when trying to recruit for our upcoming women's retreat weekend. After our conversation I was part overwhelmed and intimidated by their suggestion and part energized, inspired and motivated.

I started out by calling a close friend and "practicing" with her. She immediately said "no." I told her that I was not supposed to "take no for an answer" and could I try to talk her into it? She agreed to let me give her my best case for why she should seriously consider participating. At one point she said, "what if I decide to go and the only reason I do so is because I care about you?" I told her, "I'm okay with that!" This was partly because back then I so desperately wanted to get enough women on board to make it happen and because I genuinely believed that no matter what reason she needed to go, she would have a wonderful time. After our conversation she became a "strong maybe."

In the coming weeks I created a large Google Doc database that our team members used to keep track of women in our parish that we had reached out to inviting them to join us for the retreat. Everyone woman in our parish is welcome to attend our CRHP retreats, however we tried to target those we thought would be more likely to be interested and available, as well as those we have personal connections with.

From there we did our best to touch base with every women on the list to see if they were available, interested and had any questions about the retreat experience. I made countless phone calls and was starting to feel like a telemarketer trying to "sell" our women's retreat to my fellow parishioners. Our son Sean would tease me, because I would often make the phone calls in the afternoon when he was working on his homework and Abby was playing and after a few days of this he could almost recite my "spiel" verbatim.

We also hung out in the back of church and/or outside after all of the weekend masses for a few weeks with name tags that said "Ask Me About CRHP!" trying to talk with any women that would listen or seemed open to hearing more about our women's retreat. We had fliers and a sign up sheet and managed to drum up some interest this way too.

In the end I am very happy to report that we recruited and registered 20 women to participate in the retreat this weekend! I can hardly believe it! In one email to the 12 women that are working together to "give" this retreat, I wrote "HOLY COW!" to express my excitement as to how many were now planning to attend. Another team member replied, "not holy cow, HOLY SPIRIT" and I couldn't agree more.

Whatever drew these women to "make" this CRHP retreat this weekend, I hope and pray that they get as much, or more, out of the experience than I did when I made mine back in March. I ask that you please send your positive, faith-filled and spiritual thoughts and prayers our way this weekend that God will touch the hearts and minds of these women, through this experience, helping them to feel renewed in their own lives and spiritual journeys. I am also hoping and praying that this experience will inspire these women to get more involved with our parish community and share some of their time and talents in the future, which is one of the goals of the CRHP renewal process. Thank you.

Heather & Tina

2011-11-04T06:48:00.012-05:00

Two of my friends recently started a blog. It is different than the ones that I typically read and follow, as they are not writing about parenting, infertility or loss. But being that I care about them and this new venture in their lives, I want to support them.

It is also really cool to be able to follow a blog from the very beginning. Other than my own, I have only been able to do that a handful of times. I look forward to watching how their space and their writing evolves over time.

So what do Heather & Tina blog about? In their own words:

We are late to this whole blogging thing. One professional and one amateur designer. We love a good design/lifestyle blog. We obsess over organic, sustainable and humane food sources. We would have chickens if our other halves would allow it.

Both subjects are ones that honestly didn't interest me that much before I started reading and following their blog. However, you know when you really care about a person, so much that you want to learn more about what is important and special to them? And then after spending some time getting to know why they like what they do, you actually start to find their passions worthwhile yourself. This is one of those times for me.

Heather & Tina are inspiring me to want to care more about how I design and decorate the space that my family and I live in and more importantly what we eat, where it comes from and how it is made. Which is pretty awesome.

So if these topics interest you and you are curious to learn more, swing by Heather & Tina's new space. I promise clicking over is worth your time. In addition to being incredibly creative designers and knowledgeable healthy eaters/foodies, these two ladies are also pretty darn good writers. So check them out and let me (and them) know what you think of their blog. I know they would love for you to visit!