Molly's 1st Birthday ~ Part II: Peace be with you.

This Sunday, June 28 is the first anniversary of Molly's estimated due date (EDD) last year. Had she been healthy and born close to when she was due, we likely would have recently held or be soon having her first birthday party. Also, five years ago this week, when Sean was just nine months old, Bob and I decided that we were ready to start actively trying to expand our family. We wanted our children to be close together in age and our dream was to have at least three or four kids. It is hard to believe all that we have been through on our journey trying to expand our family since that one night over dinner in late June 2004 when we talked about trying to conceive again.

We will never forget our three angel babies that went to Heaven in December 2004, August 2005 and November 2005 and we will continue to honor the life and memory of our second child/our first daughter Molly Marie who was born and died on April 17, 2008. I will always remember the hopes and dreams we had for each of those four precious souls and our life together with them. Though it is painful for me to think about what might have been and who they could be today, I will be forever grateful for all that I have learned and the good that has come from each of our pregnancy and neonatal losses.

It has been over two months now since Molly's first birthday and our celebration of her short, but very special, life. I have been promising to return here to share about our celebration with family and friends in Molly's honor and memory on Sunday, April 19. Thank you for your patience. Here is my recollection of that wonderful and bittersweet day...

We began our day by attending the 10:00 a.m. mass at our parish being said for Molly. We were very moved when we arrived at church that morning to see the many family members and friends who chose to be with us there, in honor and memory of our baby girl and to show their love and support for Bob, Sean and me. We were also grateful to know that those of you who couldn't be there with us in person, were holding us close in your thoughts and prayers as we remembered our daughter/baby sister.

As I mentioned in my "Part I" post last month, our pastor, who was with us and baptized Molly before she died on her birthday last year, was not able to do the mass that morning due to a prior commitment. He told us that he felt really bad about not being there and asked one of the others priests at our church to say the mass in his place. Our pastor told the priest about our journey with Molly and when we arrived at the Easter Vigil (Saturday evening mass) the week before, made a point to introduce us to him/him to us. Bob and I really like this priest, who came to our parish sometime in the past year, and especially enjoy his sermons. So we were pleased to find out that he would be celebrating mass that morning in Molly's honor and memory.

We didn't expect the priest to make his homily that day literally about Molly, however we were blown away by how he seemed to speak indirectly to our family, and all those whose lives were touched by our baby girl that were with us. His sermon focused on what Jesus said to his disciples when he returned to visit them, after rising from the dead. He talked about how after everything Jesus had been through with the disciples (both positive and negative) leading up to and through his crucifiction, that there were so many things he might have chosen to say to them. However, Jesus simply and thoughtfully said “peace be with you." The priest suggested that Jesus could have said things like “where were you?” “what were you thinking?” or “I told you so.” But instead he showed great mercy and his awesome ability to forgive when he said "peace be with you." The priest went on to relate this story to getting through difficult times in our lives with our faith in God.

I imagine I wasn't alone that day in feeling like the priest was speaking right to me. I was really touched by the points he made about looking back on hard times in our life and finding ways to forgive those who did or said things that were hurtful. Reflecting specifically on our journey with Molly, there were times when my feelings were especially hurt by the things that family and friends chose not to do or say, including those in our life who, for various reasons, were not with us to celebrate Molly's life and birthday that very day. I found that hearing the priest say "peace be with you" over and over again throughout his homily that morning to be incredibly healing and inspiring for me. It helped me to take a step back and look at my life and our situation from a different perspective. I felt encouraged to try to forgive those who may not have been here for us in ways that I wish they had throughout our journey with Molly, however in most cases likely had good intentions and do in their hearts love and care about Bob, Sean, me and our daughter/baby sister in Heaven.

During the Prayers of the Faithful, as I had experienced two days earlier on Friday during the daily mass we attended for Molly, I was very moved by the moment with the reader shared whom the mass was being offered for, "Molly Marie Benson," and we all said together "Lord, hear our prayer." I was also touched when we all held hands and said the "Our Father" together, a prayer that was very special and helpful to me throughout our pregnancy with our baby girl and especially the day she was born and died. Directly following the "Our Father" was the point in the mass when the priest invites our congregation to "look not upon our sins, but on the faith of our church" and to share "peace" with those around us. Giving hugs, kisses and handshakes while saying "peace be with you" to our family and friends surrounding us in the pews that day took on a whole knew meaning and significance as I recalled the priest's homily earlier in the mass.

When the time came for us to share in communion with the members of our church, our family and our friends at mass that morning, I noticed that there weren't enough Eucharistic Ministers on the alter. I often serve in our parish as a part of this ministry at masses. Though my emotions had been up and down throughout the mass, at that moment I was feeling strong and decided to go up to the alter and help. It ended up being another wonderful experience that day to be able to distribute the Eucharist to some of our family and friends, as well as our church community as a whole, that day.

After church we spent some time with those family and friends who let us know that they would not be joining us at the cemetery and/or our home for the reception later in the day. We thanked them for coming and told them how much it meant to us to have them there with us at mass that morning in honor and memory of Molly. One of Bob's uncles commented, knowing that we are pregnant and things seem to be "normal" and going well, that he hoped the next time he came to our church for a mass with us, that it would be for our new baby's baptism, instead of another memorial service. We appreciated his sentiment and do hope and pray that is the next event that we invite our extended family and friends to join us for a special mass at our parish. Though of course you are all welcome to join us for mass at our church anytime! ;)

After we left church we headed over to the cemetery where Molly is buried. About half of the people who were at mass for our baby girl joined us at the cemetery. I may not have mentioned, that unlike Molly's birthday that Friday, the weather on Sunday was not ideal. It was overcast and rained off and on. So when we arrived at the cemetery most of us had umbrellas to try to keep from getting too wet. One of the first things we did when everyone who we knew to be coming had gotten there, was to light the first birthday candle, that we had placed by Molly's grave on Friday and sing "Happy Birthday."

It was moving for me to hear the voices, young and old, of many of our family members and close friends singing in honor and memory of our baby girl. We had to keep my umbrella over the candle as we sang, to keep the flame from going out in the rain. Then Sean blew out Molly's birthday candle, as he had also done for us on Friday. One of our close friends and her daughter arrived a few minutes later and thus Sean told us that we should sing "Happy Birthday to Molly" again so that his friend could participate. So again we lit the candle and I held my umbrella over Molly's grave while we sang "Happy Birthday" to our daughter/baby sister in Heaven.

Though we didn't ask for or expect anyone to bring anything to place at Molly's grave that day, we were touched by the pretty flowers and a shimmery purple butterfly figurine that Bob's brother, our sister-in-law and our two nieces brought in honor of Molly's birthday. One of our good friends and her daughter also brought some beautiful flowers for Molly's grave that morning, which meant a lot to us.

It was bittersweet, as so much of Molly's birthday/celebration of life was, for me to be at our baby girl's grave with dear family members and friends and it was also very comforting and healing for me to be surrounded by those loved ones whose lives have been touched by our daughter and whom have been so supportive of Bob, Sean and me on our journey with our baby girl. I have special memories of looking around that day at Molly's grave and seeing our family and friends visit with each other and reflect on Molly's life and memory. I especially was touched by watching Sean show our nieces and some of his friends that were with us how we had decorated Molly's grave and then sharing what he likes to do when we visit the cemetery and how he talks to his baby sister in Heaven. At one point I look over and saw Sean standing in front of Molly's grave and heard him say, "I love you Molly! Happy Birthday! Mommy is going to have another baby, but we haven’t named her yet, so for now we just call her Baby Benson!"

After the cemetery we went back to our home for a reception. Most of those who were at the cemetery were able to join us, some who were at the church that didn't make it to the cemetery also came to our house and there were also a few friends who weren't at the church who were able to come for the reception. The party at our house that afternoon was really just that, a party. Which was just how I wanted it to be. Though I will always mourn the loss of our Molly-girl, I do believe that so many good things came from her short, but very special, life here with us on earth. It gave me a lot of joy that day to watch our family and our friends, including many children, in our home hanging out, chatting, eating yummy food and playing together. Though it certainly wasn't the same as a birthday party for a living baby girl who was turning one would be, it still meant a lot to me that our loved ones, whose lives were touched by Molly's, had this opportunity to be together with us and celebrate life.

Though we didn't do a lot to decorate our home for the reception that day, we did have some special things available for our family and friends to look at in honor and memory of Molly. Over the past year we had two photo books made with pictures of Molly and our family on her birthday. So we had those out on tables for those who wanted to remember how precious our baby girl looked the day she was born and went to Heaven. Some of our close neighborhood friends thoughtfully and generously had sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers (pictured above) on Friday for Molly's birthday and it made a beautiful centerpiece in honor of our baby girl. A few of the family friends that joined us for the Molly's birthday/celebration of life that day also brought us bouquets of pretty pink tulips. Tulips are one of the many things that will always remind me of Molly now, as they seemed to be blooming everywhere in our neighborhood around the time she was born and died last year. I also made a birthday cake (pictured earlier in this post) for our celebration of life in Molly's honor and memory.

In the time leading up to Molly's birthday/celebration of life I decided that I wanted to have something to give everyone who was able to be with us that day to always remember our baby girl, a party favor of sorts. I chose to have magnets made with a beautiful picture of our daughter/baby sister's name written in the sand on them.

As some of you may know, back in in October of last year I found out about Carly and Sam Dudley at "Names in the Sand" and requested that they write Molly's name for us. In early November I was so pleased to find out that they had written and taken a photograph our baby girl's name in the sand and I was very moved the first time I saw the picture. It is an awesome and healing labor of love that they offer families like ours, all over the world, that have been touched by angels.

If you have time today or sometime soon and haven't been there before, I encourage you to visit the Dudley's blog, http://www.namesinthesand.net/, and say a prayer for their angel baby Christian (who inspired their ministry of writing the names of children that have died in the sand) and all the children whose names have graced the shores at sunrise and sunset in Australia (where the Dudley family lives). Today I send healing thoughts and prayers to all of the families whose children's' names have been written in the sand and again I say thank you to Carly and Sam for their wonderful ministry! If you weren't with us for Molly's birthday/celebration of life and would like a magnet with her name written in the sand on it please let me know and we would be happy to give/to send you one, as we have plenty left to share. I for one know that every time I pass our refrigerator in the kitchen and see Molly's magnet I smile as I think about our baby girl in Heaven.

Though I know we made it clear on the day of Molly's birthday party/celebration of life, I want to say again that we are so grateful to those of you who were able and chose to be with us to honor our baby girl's life and memory. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping us to remember our daughter/baby sister and what she meant to us and so many of you. Thank you also to those who were not with us in person, but held our family close in your minds, hearts and prayers that day. Thank you also for the many emails and cards we received during that time letting us know that we were in your thoughts and prayers and that Molly will never be forgotten.

Thank you again to those who have made donations in Molly's honor and memory to the Heart Institute for Children Foundation and Hope Children's Hospital since Molly was born and died last year and most recently in honor of her first birthday. We have received notices throughout the past year from the Advocate Charitable Foundation (that oversees these memorial donations) letting us know about your gifts. Your thoughtfulness and generosity means a lot to us. We find comfort in knowing that those gifts in Molly's memory will be able to help other babies and children with congenital heart defects in the future.

I would like to leave you with one last story, that once again shows me that God seems to work in mysterious ways and that there are signs all around us, if we pay attention, that can help us to still feel a connection to the love ones we have lost. The day after Molly's birthday party/celebration of life, I went to Christ Hospital (where Molly was born and died) for my monthly perinatal bereavement support group meeting there, called "Caring Connections." This support group has been an incredible resource and outlet for me and so many others to work through our grief and begin the process of healing after losing one or more babies to miscarriage, stillbirth and/or neonatal loss.

I got to the hospital a bit early, as I wanted to stop by the gift shop there. Bob's mom, Molly's paternal grandma, had given us a thoughtful gift the day of Molly's birthday party/celebration of life to honor her memory. She knows that I really like Willow Tree figurines and had picked out the "Angel of Remembrance." She wasn't sure if I already had it and told me that if I did that I was welcome to exchange it for another one. I was honest and told her that I did indeed have it already, but told her it was one of my favorites and how much it meant to me that she bought it for us.

It was only the second Willow Tree figurine that I ever owned. I bought it after our first miscarriage in December 2004. The figurine holds three fern leaves and after our second miscarriage in August 2005, followed by our interstitial ectopic pregnancy in November 2005, I decided that the three ferns the angel is holding represent each of our three pregnancy losses. The figurine sits on my dresser and I often look at it and think about our angel babies in Heaven. I also told my mother-in-law that it is the figurine that I have given to many of our family and friends that unfortunately have also had miscarriages in recent years.

Sadly, at the time of Molly's birthday celebration, I had recently learned of another friend who had a pregnancy loss and had been meaning to get an "Angel of Remembrance" for her and her husband. I asked my mother-in-law if instead of exchanging this one, if I she minded if I gave it to my friend and then I would still look for something to replace this one that she had gotten for us in honor and memory of her granddaughter. She said that was fine and I promised to let her know what I found to remember Molly in place of it.

So that evening, just three days after Molly's first birthday, I wandered into the hospital gift shop to check our their selection of Willow Tree figurines. I had found one online earlier that day with an angel holding a butterfly on her hand and thought if they had it, that I might choose to get that one. However, they didn't have that particular figurine and there weren't any others that really spoke to me that night. So I figured I would just window shop a bit, until it was time for Caring Connections to start and that I could always order the butterfly one online another time.

As I walked around the store I went over to the new baby gifts section and was browsing a shelf of board books for children. One of the titles caught my eye and I couldn't believe what I read. The book was called Molly in the Garden. I pulled the book off the shelf and was even more taken a back to see a sparkly and colorful cover with a picture 0f a cute little girl and a beautiful butterfly next to her. I opened the book and began to read a sweet and whimsical story about a girl named Molly who came across a butterfly one day while playing in the garden with her brother. Molly caught the butterfly at one point and didn't want to let it go. Her brother finally helped to convince Molly to set the butterfly free. Then Molly realized that even though she wasn't going to be able to hold the butterfly anymore, she could still play and dance around with it as it flew about their garden. Can you believe that? I certainly couldn't!

What are the odds of someone, somewhere writing a book about a little girl named Molly playing with a butterfly and my finding it for the first time just days after we celebrated our baby girl Molly's first birthday in Heaven, knowing the connection I felt to butterflies since our daughter was born and died?! So of course I bought the book and couldn't wait to call my mother-in-law on the way home from Caring Connections to tell her what I had found for her to "give us" for Molly's birthday! I also found a pretty dangly pair of butterfly earrings that evening in the gift shop that I bought for my mother-in-law to "give us," along with the book, in honor and memory of Molly, which she seemed to enjoy hearing about when I told her about them later that night. I was so excited to share the book with Bob when I got home that night and Sean the following day! They both enjoyed seeing and reading the story and appreciated the connection to our baby girl. Since then I have bought many copies of it to share with family and friends, including giving one to each of our mothers and my sister/Molly's Godmother this year for Mother's Day.

So those are some of the highlights as I recall them from Molly's birthday/celebration of life this year. Thank you for your continued kind words, support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. Though of course we would rather have our daughter/baby sister here with us right now and be celebrating her first birthday on earth, your love and care has helped us to find the good that has come from our Molly-girl's life and death. As Bob's mom wrote in the beautiful cross-stich that she made for and gave us the day we buried our dear Molly Marie, you touched so many hearts.

Things continue to go well and be "normal" with our current pregnancy. I thank God, our three angel babies and especially Molly for helping to bring our new baby girl safely to us so far this year. Tomorrow she will be 28 weeks gestation which will put her/our family in the "home streach" third trimester. Please continue to send your positive thoughts and prayers our way as we continue to hope and pray that our third child, our second daughter, will be born healthy in the not too distant future, but at the latest on September 17. We look forward to telling our new baby about her big sister Molly Marie in Heaven in the years to come and teaching her about how Molly's life touched our and so many others' hearts. Thank you for reading and may God bless you and your loved ones. Peace be with you.

Rest in peace baby girl.

Another great and normal echo! :)

Good afternoon! I am checking in to let you know that we had our 25 week (gestation) echocardiogram (echo) this morning. Baby Benson's heart looked great and normal according to the tech and our perinatal cardiologist! They both seemed glad to see us and to be able to deliver such wonderful news! Bob and I felt blessed and lucky to receive the news about our baby girl. It was bittersweet to be back in that examining room for what will likely be the last time with this pregnancy (if everything continues to proceed normally, as it has so far). Being on that table while the tech did the echo today brought back so many memories of the times we spent there during our pregnancy with Molly last year. It was surreal to be there and to get such awesome news about our new baby, which she confirmed is "definitely a girl."

Baby Benson (pictured here in her latest ultrasound photo) moved around a lot during the echo and much of the time I could feel her doing so. It made it more difficult for the tech to get some of the pictures and measurements that she needed to initially, but it was a good and "normal" problem for her to have. This was unlike with many of our our echos with Molly, when because of our daughter's heart being so weak, she often wasn't moving very much, especially towards the end. By the time our perinatal cardiologist came in to see how everything looked and how we were doing I was in tears (both those of joy and those of missing Molly). She understood and was very supportive -- telling us how happy she was for us and reiterating how she believes that our first daughter has had a hand in helping to bring our second daughter to our family.

Our life continues to be very busy as the school year has ended for Sean, his/our summer plans are underway and we are preparing our home for our new addition, God willing, due to arrive towards the end of this summer. I still intend to return to share "Part II" of Molly's Birthday/Celebration of Life in April and about when we told Sean about becoming a big brother again earlier that month. We continue to feel very blessed and lucky that our new baby girl seems to be normal and healthy and that we have made it to 25 weeks and 4 days gestation today. It still seems surreal to us at times that we might actually get to bring home a "real live baby" in September, however with each passing day and week Bob and I are allowing ourselves to believe more and more that it is going to happen.

Last month I shared "before" and "during" pictures of our basement remodeling project. Our contractor and his tradesmen finished their work earlier this month and we are very pleased with how it turned out. I will leave you with the original "before" picture, along with an "after" (pre-furniture and toys) and another "after" with Sean proudly showing off what he now refers to as his "basement of fun!" Thank you, as always, for your kind words, support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. May God continue to bless you and your loved ones.

Before

After

Sean's Basement of Fun!

Molly's 1st Birthday ~ Part I: A Perfect Day

To quote Ferris Buller, "life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." The past month or so has seemed to just fly by and in effort not to miss my life, I have spent less time on the computer and put off sharing about Molly's birthday/celebration of life the weekend of April 17 - 19. However, I did want to get back here and tell you about how we, along with some of our family and close friends, honored the life and memory of our baby girl Molly Marie last month, as I know many of you were with us in spirit and are interested in hearing the highlights.

As you may recall we planned to celebrate Molly's birthday and life on two days, her actual birthday Friday, April 17 with primarily Bob, Sean and me and Sunday, April 19 with some of our extended family and dear friends. Friday morning I woke up earlier than usual with more energy and less nausea than I had felt in awhile (Baby Benson was just shy of 18 weeks gestation at the time). I asked Sean if he knew what the day was, he replied “Molly’s Birthday.” Later he told me that he had already wished Molly a happy birthday (in Heaven).

Sean happened to be on spring break from preschool that week and Bob had taken time off work so we could spend the day together. We had our I-pod on shuffle playing in our kitchen as we prepared and ate breakfast that morning. As we were getting our breakfast ready a song about loss called "Without You," from one of my favorite musicals "Rent," came on and seemed very appropriate as we called to mind the memory of our baby girl. Hearing "Without You" was the first of a few times that day when I felt that Molly was "deejaying" for us from Heaven. A bit later, while we were eating breakfast as a family, the song that most reminds all of us of Molly, “Time” by Billy Porter came on. Sean heard it start and asked Bob if he could please turn it up a bit. Then Sean said, “this song reminds me of Molly.” I said, “me too.”

We had arranged for the 8:45 a.m. mass at our neighborhood parish to be said for Molly, so after breakfast and taking it easy around the house, we headed over to our church. When we arrived at mass that morning we sat down in a pew next to Bob’s mom and my sister. We noticed that two friends of ours were also sitting in nearby pews. We hadn't been sitting there long when Bob pointed out (knowing what it would mean to me) that there was a penny on the floor right in front of my feet.

Not long after Molly was born and died I reconnected with an old friend who I worked with for two summers in college at a residential summer camp. I found out that she had lost a son, a baby who was stillborn five year ago, and we quickly bonded over our shared loss experiences. My friend shared with me that after her son died that someone had shared with her a story called "Pennies from Heaven." The premise is to believe that when you find pennies here and there after the death of a loved one (specifically a baby/child) that they were sent to you as a sign from your loved one in Heaven. So my friend shared that story and her belief with me. She told me that since her son died she has found a lot of pennies over the years. Very soon after my friend told me the story last June, I went for a run and found a penny (from Molly)! I have found more over the past year since she was born and died and keep a small pile of them on my dresser in our bedroom. So you can see why Bob finding a penny that morning right in front of us, in our pew at mass, was so meaningful to me, a very special "penny from Heaven/Molly” on our baby girl's birthday!

The mass that morning was said by our parish's pastor Fr. Bill, who was also with us last year on April 17. It meant so much to us to have Fr. Bill with us on Molly's birthday, as he was so supportive of us and our family that day. It was awesome that he got to be in the delivery/operating room with us and baptize Molly before she died. So it was really special to be with Fr. Bill again on this milestone of Molly's birthday this year.

At one point during mass Sean opened a Gather song book and found the song “Marching in the Light of God.” I felt it was another sign from Molly, as when I was pregnant with Sean I heard/sang it a lot, because it was the unofficial Peacebuilders Initiative theme song. My last job in the professional world, before I left to be a SAHM to Sean in 2003 was directing a program for high school students at a Catholic graduate school for theology and ministry in Chicago, called the Peacebuilders Initiative.

I also felt that Sean turning to that song page was a sign, because one night before Molly was born and died I was lying in bed thinking about what songs we might choose to sing at her memorial service (morbid I know, but understanding her prognosis at the time I guess not that unusual). I thought that Marching in the Light of God might be a nice/appropriate choice for the recessional/closing song and at that moment she kicked me and I remember laughing to myself that she was trying to tell me that she was still alive, so not to plan too much yet for after she goes to Heaven!

The mass, being a morning daily one, was short, but very nice. I got choked up during the prayers of the faithful when the reader said "and for whom this mass is being offered, Molly Marie Benson." After mass we visited with the handful of family and friends that were there to honor Molly's life and memory on her birthday, which meant a lot to us. Though we hadn't encouraged our family and friends to be with us that day, since we planned our bigger celebration of Molly's life/birthday for that Sunday, we also didn't discourage people from attending and appreciated those who were able/chose to be there. We also talked for awhile with Fr. Bill after mass, which was very special, as he is a big part of our memories from Molly's birthday last year and was so supportive of Bob, Sean, me and our extended family throughout our journey with our baby girl (both before and after she was born and went to Heaven). Fr. Bill had a previous commitment that Sunday and though he felt terrible about it, he and we knew (and understood) that he wouldn't be able to be with us and our family and friends for the the mass in Molly's honor and memory that day. So Fr. Bill made sure that he could be with us on Molly's actual birthday and that he would be the priest saying the mass that morning.

After mass my sister/Molly's Godmother had brought a few small and symbolic gifts for our family in honor and memory of Molly. These thoughtful presents included “Magic Socks” for me that were shrink wrapped in the shape of a butterfly and when drenched in water would turn into whimsical socks with pretty flowers and butterflies on them (which I will share a bit more about later in this post). My sister also gave us a beautiful stone cross for Molly's grave that said "Rest in Peace, dear child, with the arms of Jesus as your cradle" and a small colorful butterfly shaped slinky for Sean, which he proceeded to play with throughout the rest of the day.

We also decided after talking with Bob's Mom after mass that we would visit Bob's maternal grandma/Sean, Molly and Baby Benson's "GG" (Great Grandma) later that morning at a rehab facility/nursing home that she had been transferred too that week from the hospital where she had been recovering from a fall where she had injured her right shoulder/arm (just a note that GG is doing a lot better and is back at home now). So on our way to the cemetery to visit Molly's grave, we stopped at a local grocery store and picked up a "Hope you feel better soon" mylar balloon for GG (that happened to have a cute butterfly on it), a pink helium balloon to release at the cemetery in honor of Molly's first birthday and a bouquet of pink roses (like the ones we had brought to Molly's grave the day we buried her last year) to have in our home in the days to follow.

Next we drove to the cemetery. Those who live in the Chicago area may recall what an incredible day Friday, April 17 was weather wise -- bright and sunny, not too hot and not too cold with not a cloud in the sky. We brought with us a number one candle and a lighter. When we arrived we placed the candle on a wooden stick in the ground by Molly's headstone and than sang "Happy Birthday" to our baby girl in Heaven. Then we took a few pictures of her grave, which I had decorated earlier that week with items that reminded me of Molly and seemed festive for her birthday. We don't do this often, but we also took pictures of Sean, me and the two of us together with Molly's grave. It may seem strange if you haven't lost a baby (or even if you have) to do such a thing, but with the way I love photos, I like to have a few pictures each year of Sean and me with his baby sister's/my daughter's grave, as it helps me to feel a connection to our baby girl when I look at them.

Next, as you can see in some of the pictures I have included here, Sean released the pink balloon into the sky that we had brought with us in honor and memory of our sweet Molly-girl. It was bittersweet to watch the pretty pink balloon float up and drift about in the sky. Being such a clear day we were able to watch it for a long time as it flew higher and higher. It was nice to imagine that when the balloon did finally disappear from our view that it would somehow carry our love, thoughts, prayers and birthday wishes to our baby girl in Heaven. It meant a lot to me to be able to spend some time with Molly's daddy and her big brother at the cemetery on her birthday. Though I believe Molly's soul is at peace and healed in Heaven, I still feel such a strong connection to our baby girl when I/we visit her grave.

Fast-forwarding to present day for a moment... Bob, Sean and I actually visited Molly's grave at the cemetery this afternoon. While we were there tending to her grave, trimming the grass around her headstone and cleaning it off, Sean was playing with the "Molly" train (from the Take Along Thomas collection) that we bought for her grave last summer at Day Out with Thomas, as he often does. At one point Sean said to me, "Mommy, do you think that Molly got the balloon that we sent her?" I was so touched that he remembered our letting the pink balloon go on his baby sister's first birthday and replied, "I don't know, but I like to believe that she did. What do you think?" Sean said, "I think she got it!"

As I mentioned earlier, there were a number of times on Molly's birthday when I felt that she was playing DJ. After we left the cemetery we were driving to the nursing home to visit GG, when the song “Who You’d Be Today” sung by Kenny Chesney came on the radio. I had heard the song for the first time in October at the Memorial Walk/balloon release hosted by the monthly support group I participate in at the hospital where Molly was delivered. I got choked up when I realized what song was playing and Sean asked why I was sad. He asked if the song reminded me of Molly. I said “yes.” Then Sean asked what it was about. I explained that the song was about thinking about things that our loved ones (who died too soon) would be doing if they were alive. Sean said, "that’s okay, when Baby Benson is born she will be able to do all the things that we didn’t get to see Molly do here, but that we know she is doing in Heaven." Oh, how I love getting to see the world through the perspective of our five year old son at times like this.

Next we arrived at the nursing home to visit GG and it was nice to be able to see and spend some time with her and Bob's mom (who was also visiting with her at the time). Sean had been very excited about the "Magic Socks" that Molly's Godmother/their Aunt had given us earlier that day and I had promised him that maybe we could try them out while visiting GG, since I knew there would be a sink in her room, where we could submerge them. So soon after we got there we asked GG if it would be okay and then we opened the small shrink wrapped butterfly shaped package. Then we put the contents in a sink full of water and sure enough they "magically" turned into colorful socks with flowers and butterflies on them! Sean and GG both seemed to really get a kick out of watching the transformation and I thought it was pretty cool too.

Another fun story from our visit with GG was when we were telling her and Bob's mom about our day up until that point. I told the story of finding our "Penny from Molly/Heaven" that morning at church and when Sean heard, he said that he wanted a penny from Heaven too. So his quick thinking/cleaver Grandma dropped one on the floor in GG's room so that Sean could find it. After Sean "found" the penny and picked it up he asked if there was such a thing as “Quarters from Heaven?!” Bob said, yeah, how about “Dollars from Heaven?!” We all had a good laugh together.

After our visit with GG and Bob's mom we made a pit stop at home for lunch and then headed to the Lincoln Park Zoo. Sean had been to that zoo in our city of Chicago with my parents a few times, but never with Bob and me. We had always taken him to another zoo, the Brookfield Zoo, that is a bit closer to our home. So we thought it would be fun to go there as a family for a change in honor of our baby girl's birthday. We figured if Molly had lived that we would have done something special and fun on her birthday as a family, like a zoo outing, so why not do such a thing anyway to celebrate her life and memory!

I have included a few pictures above and below here from our afternoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo including Bob and Sean at the zoo entrance, a butterfly decoration that I happened to notice inside one of the exhibits at the zoo, the polar bear that we saw (Sean's favorite kind of animal) and Sean holding his hand up to compare its size to that of a polar bear's paw. We had a lovely time together that afternoon at the zoo and though I naturally found myself imagining what it might have been like to be there with Bob, Sean and Molly that day, I found peace and comfort in believing that our baby girl was celebrating her birthday and was with us in spirit on our zoo outing in her honor as she continued to watch over us from Heaven.

After we left the zoo we went to one of my favorite restaurants (from my childhood and where I celebrated some of my birthdays with family and friends) Ed DeBevic's in downtown Chicago. For those who aren't familiar with Ed DeBevic's, it is a fifties themed restaurant, where the waiters and waitresses are known for being very sarcastic and poking fun at their customers as they serve them. Sean had never been to "Ed's" and we thought it would be a fun way to wrap up the day.

On our way to the restaurant I was explaining to Sean why I though Ed's was such a fun place to go and how the waitstaff like to tease the customers. Sean wanted some examples of what I meant and so I told him the story of one time when I was there as a kid and I asked for some water. The waiter told me that I could "get it myself" and pointed to a pitcher of water on a nearby counter top. At first I was a bit annoyed, but remembering that was how the waiters at Ed's acted and having fun with the whole thing, I proceeded to get up, pick up the pitcher and pour myself a glass of water! Sean thought the story was hilarious and later, when we were enjoying our dinner at Ed's, he kept asking when our waiter was going to tell us to get our own water!

We did have a fun and tasty evening at Ed's, including each of us getting one of their yummy milkshakes. When our waiter delivered our milkshakes to our table, he pretended not to remember that Sean had ordered one. Then he walked around to other tables near by asking if anyone had ordered a chocolate shake, as he couldn't seem to remember who it belonged too. Sean thought it was very funny and called out to him that it was his! Also when our waiter brought us the bill he gave it to Sean and asked him if he had enough money to pay for it. This time Sean didn't get the joke as quickly and looked concerned. So we quickly told him that our waiter was just teasing him and that Daddy and Mommy would pay for our meal! Pictured below are Sean and me in our booth at Ed's sporting our Ed DeBevic's chef hats!

As we left Ed's that evening and drove home Bob, Sean and I reflected on what an awesome day we had together as a family celebrating Molly's birthday. Though we much rather would have been celebrating our baby girl's first birthday with her here with us on earth, we did our best to honor her life and memory through our thoughts, prayers and activities that day. It was bittersweet, but most of all it was beautiful and in many ways a perfect day for us to remember our daughter and sister Molly Marie Benson.

Thank you for reading, for your thoughts, for your prayers and for remembering our Molly-girl with us. I will post "Part II" of my reflections from our celebration of Molly's life and first birthday weekend soon.

A brief update in regards to Baby Benson, for those who might be curious. I am pleased to report that no news, continues to be good news. Our new baby girl seems to be growing and developing on track as we reach this 24 weeks gestatational milestone today. We know that we still have a ways to go, but do find much hope in having made it this far in what seems to be a relatively "normal" pregnancy. Our baby girl is even giving me love taps as I type this! Take care and may God bless you and your loved ones.

The Final Four

So I think we have narrowed our possible name picks for Baby Benson down to four, though technically there are still others on our "list." You would think after trying to expand our family for almost five years now that naming our new baby girl wouldn't be that difficult, we certainly have had plenty of time to consider our options. However we seem to still be a ways off from making a decision and may not share what we ultimately choose with our family and friends until she is born.

I can appreciate that this may be torture for some of you and others may just find it plain obnoxious that I am writing about our trying to decide, but that I am not going to share what "the final four" are at this time. However, I am going to share why I/we like them in effort to try to help myself to work through which one might be "the one" for our new baby girl.
Feel free to comment on my reasoning for each name and how you think that may or may not make the case for our selecting it. You are also welcome to share the way you have gone about considering/choosing names for your child(ren) in the past or currently if you are trying to conceive/expecting, especially if you have lost a baby/child and how they may or may not have factored into your future naming decisions.

That said, if you know any of our name options (as I have shared one or more of them with a handful of family/friends) or have any guesses (some of them may not be that hard to figure out from this post), please do not share in the comments here. If you are really curious and want to discuss, feel free to email me and I might be willing to divulge. However, my biggest fear in sharing the names we are considering with family and friends is that we really don't want to know if people don't like/love our choices as much as we do, as we don't want it to influence our decision. We obviously really like these names or they wouldn't have made it to "the final four," so hearing that some of you might not care for them is not really very helpful to us right now.

Name #1:
Is the name that we had chosen for Sean if he had been a girl. We didn't find out Sean's gender before he was born. We decided on our boy and girl names well before his birth and shared them openly with our family and friends. Therefore it was fairly common knowledge back then what our choices were. So those of you who have known me/our family since I was pregnant with Sean in 2003, might recall the name. We obviously like it a lot or we wouldn't have chosen it as the name for our first child had he not be a boy and named Sean Owen. The name has no family significance, however the first name is that of one of my sister's closest childhood friends. I have always liked my sister's friend a lot and that certainly has influenced my affection for the name. I think this name is beautiful in its full form and also lends itself to a fun/cute nickname. The middle name I have always found to be beautiful and I feel has special significance in light of our recent experience losing our baby girl Molly and then finding ourselves to be expecting again (without medical assistance) within a year of her birth and death.

This name is probably Bob's first choice, along with many of our family members, as they got use to it when we shared that it was our "girl name" during our first pregnancy. My mother-in-law has not too subtlety been lobbying for it again this time around. Sean also really likes it, as he knows that if he had been a girl that it would have been his name and thus it seems like a somewhat obvious choice to him too.

What it interesting for me though, is that over the past five years that we have been trying to expand our family, I have gone back and forth on the name and how much I still would want to name a baby girl it.

We also clearly chose not to pick the name for our first daughter Molly Marie. As I have shared here before, Sean's middle name, Owen, is the same as Bob's and his father's middle name and was Bob's paternal grandfather's first name. Molly's middle name, Marie, is the same as mine and Bob's paternal grandmother's first name. I like that Sean and Molly's middle names have a family connection.

This name is also a somewhat common name these days, in that I know other girls in our neighborhood with the name. However, I don't feel that it is overused. We don't have any family members or close friends who have named a child this name yet.

Lastly, I like names that have an Irish heritage, like Sean does and this name does not. Does it really matter? Probably not. But it is a small factor for me.

Note about middle names: Names 2 - 4 would most likely all have the same middle name, a shared middle name with our new baby girl's older sister Molly Marie. I have a friend who has the same middle name as her three sisters and I think that is really nice. I like that our new baby girl could have the same middle name that Molly did, which is also my middle name. I could also choose to use Marie as the middle name for Name #1, however I really like the middle name we originally chose for Name #1, even though it is not a "family name." So I find it difficult to consider using Marie instead and having gotten so use to our original choice for the middle name, it just doesn't sound as good to me as our first choice.

Name #2:
Is a name that I consider to be a very traditional name. It is not that exciting, however I really like it and always have. It is the name of the main character in a book/movie that I loved and read/watched over and over again as a child (this may give it away, but please don't share if you have figured it out). It has a cute nickname option. It seems to be less commonly used these days. However, I do know a few children in our neighborhood with this name. Sean also currently has a girl in his preschool class with this name, which I certainly think has influenced his affection for it as a potential choice for his new baby sister. There isn't a lot more to say about this name, other than Bob, Sean and I all like it a lot and therefore it is a contender.

Name #3:
Is the first name I felt drawn to with this pregnancy when I thought about the possibility that we might be having another girl. It is actually the same as the middle name for Name #1. I think it is an absolutely beautiful name, with much significance after all we have been through to try to expand our family, especially since we lost our baby girl Molly. It has a cute nickname. It is becoming more common these days and I know a number of girls in our neighborhood with the name. It is probably Bob's least favorite choice, because he thinks it sounds like an old lady's name. However, he knows how much I like it and has agreed that it can stay on our "list" because he says that it is growing on him. Sean likes it too, though he pretty much likes any name that we tell him we like.

Name #4:
Is the most recent addition to our list. We never considered it with previous pregnancies because we literally had never heard of it. It is the least common/most unique name Bob and I have ever considered for a baby girl. I came across it for the first time soon after we found out we are having another baby girl. I was on Facebook (for a change) and looking at pictures that an old friend had posted on his profile. There was a women in one of the pictures (who turned out to be his sister-in-law, but also grew up in our home town) who had this name (the picture was labeled). I was immediately taken by it. I thought it was beautiful and wondered why I had never heard it before or known anyone to have it. Fast forward a few days and I was reading one of my online friend's blogs. This woman doesn't typically use her name on her blog, but somehow I clicked through some links and discovered that she had the same name! I totally thought it was a sign!

I called Bob at work to share the name and he liked it. He didn't LOVE it, but he was on board with adding it to the list. Thus began my obsession with this name. I started to research it and what it means. I found out where it came from (it is associated with a variety of countries/ethnicites for its origin). I shared about this name with a few close friends and one family member and got a mixed reaction (which I expected since it is not very common). One friend said that she knew two other women in her lifetime with the name, however they pronounced it differently than I was saying it. This really threw me for a loop, as it never occurred to me that it could be pronounced another way. In time I also discovered that there is another way that it can be spelled, that is actually a bit more common than the one I like.

I contacted my Facebook (FB) friend and my blogging friend and asked them some questions about their experience with the name, including how they pronounce it. It turns out that my FB friend's sister-in-law does not pronounce it the way I prefer it, however my blogging friend does! My blogging friend is honored that we are considering it for our new baby girl and was patient and open with me in answering all of my questions about her life with the name, which overall she has LOVED having. Thank you friend, if you are reading this! This name also has some things in common with the name Molly, which I like. I am not going to get into the specific details of the commonalities here, but they are a factor for me.

Thank you for reading and considering my reasoning for liking/loving each of our possible name choices. I have a lot more important things that I could/should be focusing my energy on right now, however for some reason this decision (which we still have plenty of time to make) was on my mind this morning. More than anything we are just hoping and praying for our baby girl to be born healthy and to get to come home with us later this year.

With Molly I wanted to name her right after we found out we were having a girl, as I understood that we might not have a lot of time left with our first daughter and I wanted to make the most of that time and to connect with her in anyway I could. With this baby girl, I am doing my best to connect with her and I do feel close to her, however, as those of you who have experienced a subsequent pregnancy after loss may be able to relate to, I still struggle with getting too attached to our new baby girl, as I fear losing another daughter. I don't know how much, if at all, this fear of losing another child has to do with our inability at this time to decide on a name. I think all of the names we are considering would be beautiful and fitting for our third child/our second daughter.

Thank you for your continued kind words, support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. We continue to take this pregnancy one day at a time. I look forward to sharing our name choice for our new baby girl after we decide and are ready to let people know (whether it is before or after our baby girl is born). I also still intend to post about Molly's birthday/celebration of life and telling Sean about becoming a big brother again (am I starting to sound like a broken record?). However, both posts still need some work (right now they are really just notes about the highlights from both experiences). I am waiting until I can make some time to really sit with them and feel inspired to fill in the blanks in effort to help them to do justice to both milestones in our family's life this spring.

I hope this finds you and your loved ones in good spirits. Take care and God bless.

Level II and looking good!

Another quick update to share about the Level II ultrasound that we had this morning for Baby Benson. Highlights include:

The Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist said that he thinks everything continues to look "normal!"

This was another huge milestone for our family, as we understood going into today's extensive ultrasound that problems can be discovered at Level II screenings.

She still appears to be a girl!

She weighed approximately 15 ounces/426 grams.

She measured right where she should be at 20 weeks 5 days = an estimated due date (EDD) of September 18 (within a day of her official EDD of 9/19).

Her measurements were in the 69th percentile based on my last menstrual period (LMP) of December 17, 2008 (EDD = 9/23) and in the 57th percentile based on her average measurements today (EDD = 9/18).

She was active throughout the ultrasound, which was fun to see! In the beginning she was breech, but it wasn't long before I felt her move and the ultrasound tech told us that she had "flipped" and was then head down.

Our next routine prenatal appointment is scheduled for Tuesday, May 19 (baby will be 22 weeks gestation at the time). We also have another fetal echocardiogram scheduled for Wednesday, June 10 (25 weeks gestation). We couldn't be happier that our baby girl/this pregnancy continues to be relatively uneventful, normal and routine! Those are all words that are music to our ears right now.

Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, kind words, thoughts and prayers. I haven't forgotten to share about Molly's birthday/celebration of life last month and telling Sean about being a big brother again and still plan to do so in the near future. However, our life has just been soooooo busy lately, for a variety of reasons, a big one being that demolition and construction began this week on the remodel of our basement. As you may know, we live in a two bedroom home and since we plan for Sean and Baby Benson to share a bedroom, we are fixing up our basement to become a nice play area for Sean and Baby Benson (when she gets older). As right now much of Sean's toys are in his bedroom and that will need to change with all of the napping that our baby girl will likely be doing in her first years of life.

I leave you with a "before" and "during" picture of our basement and will follow up later this month with one or more "after" pics. When Sean came home from school on the first day of our remodeling project, he said (because of all the exposed silver colored insulation) that our basement "looked like outer space!" Those of you who I am "friends" with on Facebook may have already seen (or may choose to check out) the albums I have posted on my profile this week that show more extensively the before and in progress pictures of our remodel (which I update daily). I hope this finds you and your loved ones in good spirits and enjoying this awesome spring weather (at least that we are experiencing here in Chicago)!

Before

A work in progress...

Love taps are back!

Good evening! Thank you for all of your kinds words, thoughts and prayers on Molly's birthday earlier this month. I still intend to share with you sometime soon about Molly's birthday/celebration of life weekend (April 17 - 19) and about when we told Sean that he is going to be a big brother again. However, our life has been pretty busy and I haven't found much time to step back and blog. That said, I just had to share that over this past weekend that Baby Benson's flutters have seemed to get stronger and become more like kicks or as I used to refer to them during our pregnancy with Molly, "love taps."

Tonight as I sit here on the couch watching TV, hanging out with Bob and catching up a bit online, I have felt some of the strongest/most obvious love taps from our new baby girl to date. At this stage of our pregnancy with Molly it was bittersweet to feel her move, as I knew that I had to try to make the most of the connection I felt with our daughter, as I didn't know how much longer we would have with her here on earth. With Baby Benson it is also bittersweet, but in a different way. It is very exciting because it reassures me that our baby girl is moving around and God-willing that means that she is still healthy and thriving. It gives me hope that feeling Baby Benson's love taps is just the beginning our life with her. However, it is also a bit sad for me as the last time I felt these sensations our Molly-girl was still with us here on earth and feeling her love taps were a reminder that there might not be much time left in our life with her.

I leave you with an awesome ultrasound picture that we got of Baby Benson the day of her fetal echocardiogram at about 15 1/2 weeks gestation. I know that some of you have seen it already, as I shared it on Molly's CarePage earlier this month in my Rainbows post, and in a related email, announcing our pregnancy more widely to family and friends. We feel very blessed and lucky that four more weeks have passed in our pregnancy since then and that as we approach 20 weeks gestation (the half-way point) this Saturday that our new baby girl seems to continue to grow and develop on track. Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers.

Remembering Molly (1 year) ~ Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

What we have once enjoyed and loved deeply, we can never lose. For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

~ Helen Keller

So here we are, one year later. Spring has arrived. The tulips, daffodils and magnolias are beginning to bloom. Lent has come and gone and we are Easter people once again. It's hard to believe how much time has passed since the day our baby girl Molly Marie was born and died. Bob and I were reflecting on the past year the other night during dinner and he said that sometimes it seems like Molly's birthday was so long ago and other times he remembers it like it was yesterday. I know there are so many powerful experiences in our lives that we say that about. It reminds us that life goes on, however difficult and painful it may be, especially for those grieving over the loved ones we have lost.

When I reflect on the past year so much of it is surreal to me. We had months to prepare for Molly Marie's birth and now we have had a year to begin to process her life and death. At various points on our journey with Molly, before she was born and after she went to Heaven, I was doing all I could just to get by. I was living one day and often one hour at a time. I have grieved a lot over the past twelve months. Sharing some of my feelings and emotions through my writing here has certainly helped me to heal. Though in many ways I still don't know that I have fully digested what happened with our daughter and the impact it has made in our and many others lives. I understand that coming to terms with the loss of a child, our baby girl, takes time. I don't think I will ever get over Molly's death, however I do believe that with each passing day, month and year the pain will soften and I will continue to learn how to live with out her.

Ten days ago a woman named Angie who also sadly lost a baby girl, Audrey Caroline, in April of last year wrote a memorial post about her daughter on the first anniversary of her birth and death. I first heard about Angie a few weeks before Molly's birthday and just days before Audrey's. Audrey also had been diagnosed with a condition incompatible with life and ultimately lived for a about two hours before she went to Heaven. Angie shared about that bittersweet day in her and her family's life on her inspiring blog Bring the Rain that I have followed ever since and I know that many of you have too. Though I felt so sad for Angie and her family when I read about their journey with Audrey, it was also so helpful for me to be able to read about her insight and perspective since she went through a very similar experience right before we did. I recall last year Angie sharing how she felt such peace after Audrey died, believing that she was healed and at peace with God in Heaven. That helped me so much to prepare for April 17, the day we knew that we would have to give our baby girl back to God as well.

I was curious what Angie would say about Audrey's birthday one year later on April 7 of this year. What touched me most about Angie’s post was when she talked about how she chooses to think about Audrey's birthday. She said that instead of looking at April 7, 2008 only as the day Audrey DIED, she shared that she would rather remember it as much or more as the day that her baby girl LIVED. I found that way of framing their experience with their daughter to be very profound and on this day I will also do my best to focus more on Molly's life, than on her death.

Likewise, one of the things that has helped me to make some sense of our journey with Molly and to believe that her short life and our loss was not in vain, is the connections I and others have been able to make since Molly's birthday. Just as Angie was able to help me prepare, cope and heal by sharing so openly and candidly on her blog, I have been humbled by opportunities to help others who were preparing for, coping with and/or healing from losing a loved one, especially their child(ren).

A little over six months after Molly was born and died we got a private message on her CarePage from a family who had just given birth to a baby girl who had severe fetal hydrops and died soon after she was born. The baby's mother shared with me that they had found Molly's CarePage prior to their daughter's birth. She told me that they knew their baby girl would be very swollen when she was born, but didn't fully understand what that could look like. She said that she was very grateful that we had shared pictures of what our beautiful baby girl had looked like when she was born on her CarePage, because seeing those pictures had helped them to prepare for what their daughter would look like. She told me that their baby girl looked a lot like Molly and knowing that would likely be the case ahead of time, allowed them to have less fear as they prepared for that day. She also shared that reading my writing since Molly's birth had also given her hope for her healing process, understanding that the journey wouldn't be easy, but that she could and would be able to survive this tragedy in her life.

As I mentioned in my Remembering Molly (10 months) milestone post, I had been looking at a website, that I came across for the first time awhile ago, about Perinatal Hospices. The website was created and is maintained by the authors of two books that I have read and that helped me to cope and to heal before and after Molly was born: Waiting for Gabriel and Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. While visiting their site I was reminded that the two authors are writing a new book together called A Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy with a Terminal Diagnosis. I shared that Dr. Davis and Ms. Kubelbeck invite parents who chose to continue our pregnancies after receiving a prenatal diagnosis of something expected to be life-limiting, to share our stories for this book.

I spent a lot of time in February of this year working on my answers to their questionnaire, which they asked parents like us to fill out and then submit for possible use in their A Gift of Time. I found sharing about our journey with Molly to be very draining emotionally, but also therapeutic to reflect on all we have been through. I have already shared with some of you what my favorite of all of their questions was and my answer, however on this day, Molly's birthday, I wanted to share it again, as I know for many of you it may be the first time you have read these words.

Question: If you could reach back in time and say something to yourself on the day of the diagnosis, what would you say?

My answer: This really sucks, there is no doubt about that. I am so sorry that this is happening to your baby girl, to you and your family. You will get through this. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you can and you will survive. You will have a lot of support from your family and friends. The doctors, nurses and lay people who will treat you and your baby during your pregnancy and beyond may not give you all the answers you are looking for along the way, but they will show you wonderful care and compassion. You and Bob will make the best decisions you can along the way with the information you have at the time. There is no right or wrong answer to most of the questions you will be faced with. Do your research and then follow your head and your heart, hopefully most of the time they will lead you in the same direction.

Try to be patient with everyone you come into contact with on your journey with your baby girl. Many people will not know what to say or how to treat you, but most of them will have the best of intentions. Please keep that in mind, as this journey will not be easy for your loved ones either. There will be people in your life that will show great care and concern for you and your family. Some of them may surprise you, in a good way, and it will deepen and strengthen your relationships. There will also be people in your life that unfortunately will disappoint you. These people won’t understand what you are going through and won’t make enough of an effort to try to learn how they can help and be there to truly support you.

Your baby girl is going to teach you, your loved ones and even strangers so much about life and love. Your daughter, though her heart is broken, and you may feel like yours is too right now, is going to touch so many hearts. She is going to bring people together and inspire them to communicate, believe, hope and pray. You, Bob and Sean will grow, mature and become more compassionate people from being Molly’s parents and big brother. Through your experience with your daughter you will in turn be able to help others in the future who have lost a baby or loved ones of any age. Share about your experience openly with those who are willing to listen, support and encourage you. In turn you will learn from them and they will learn from you and you will all be able to help others who you know or meet who are faced with personal tragedies.

Don’t ever give up. Don’t lose hope. Always believe in yourself, in your loved ones and in God’s love for you all. This journey may not end they way you hope and pray that it will, with Molly getting to be a part of your family here on earth, but that doesn't mean that her life will be without purpose or reason. You are an incredible mother, wife, daughter, friend and human being. Hang in there and try to live one day, and even one hour if you need to, at a time. Try to find joy in your journey and not to focus so much on your destination. I am proud of you!

Recently Bob told me about a new song by Rascal Flatts called "Here Comes Goodbye." He shared that he had seen the video and that it was really powerful, though he said he had to watch it a few times to fully make sense of it. Earlier this week, on Tuesday evening, after we had put Sean down for the night, Bob and I were watching television. We had just finished the "Dancing with the Stars Results Show" during which Rascal Flatts had performed "Here Comes Goodbye" live, while two of the professional dancers danced a beautiful routine that they had choreographed to the lyrics. The dancers' interpretation of the song seemed to be the more obvious one in which the singer appears to be reflecting on the break up of a relationship he had with a woman he really cared about. However, Bob said that we should find and watch the video interpretation, as it takes a very different view on the words of the song, in a way that we can really appreciate and relate to. I don't want to give away the story in the video, as I think part of what makes it so moving is watching it and figuring it out for yourself. So here is the video on YouTube if you want to check it out. Make sure you have at least one tissue, if not a box of them, near by before you begin.



Thank you again to all of you who have walked with us on our journey with Molly, no matter how long you have been a part of our lives. Your support, encouragement, kind words, thoughts and prayers mean so much and we, especially I, will be forever grateful. We look forward to celebrating Molly's birthday and honoring her memory with those of you that will be able to join us on Sunday. We know that those of you who will not be joining us this weekend, will be with us in spirit and that means a lot to us. May God continue to bless you and your loved ones.

Happy Birthday Molly Marie!

We love you and miss you so much! Please know that a day never goes by when your Mommy doesn't think about you and how you have touched my life and so many others. I am glad that you are at peace and healed in Heaven, though I still wish that you could have stayed with us here on earth.

I wonder who you would be today? What milestones you would have reached? Would you be crawling? Walking? Babbling? How many teeth would you have? Would you be a good sleeper? What would your favorite foods be? Would you have a favorite stuffed animal like your big brother did at your age? Who would your first friends be? What/who might you look like now? Daddy? Mommy? Sean? Probably some perfect combination of all of us.

Would you have made a mess of yourself today, after we sang to you, when we brought you your first birthday cake? What would your laugh sound like? How about your cry? Though I did see you move one time after you were born, which meant so much to me, I never got to hear your voice.

I can imagine how much you would have loved playing with your big brother and all the things Sean could have taught you. Instead you have taught Sean, and all of us, so much about love and life. I know you would have been, and will always be, Daddy's little girl. I like to think that you would have been so excited to meet your new baby sister later this year. However, I also believe that you have already met her soul in Heaven and helped to send her to our family here on earth.

Please continue to watch over our family, my sweet Molly-girl. We believe that we will be with you together again someday in Heaven. We will never forget you, Molly Marie, our first daughter, our second child and forever our baby girl.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Molly, happy birthday to you!

Love always,
Mommy

I have you in my heart. ~ Philippians 1:7