Amazing things will happen!

I have never been a big fan of Conan O'Brien. I don't dislike him. I think he is a pretty funny guy. I just didn't watch his late night show regularly before or after he got The Tonight Show gig 7 months ago. However, over the past few weeks I got sucked into the coverage of the battle between NBC, Jay Leno and Conan.

I really felt for Conan and what happened to him after being "promised" and "given" the job of hosting The Tonight Show. I recognize that he wasn't getting fabulous ratings over the past 7 months, much of which was his responsibility. However, it was still hard to watch him have to decide what to do, given the situation, and ultimately choose to say goodbye to his dream.

I recorded his last show on DVR last night and watched it this morning while nursing Abby. I thought it was an awesome hour of television and especially resonated with something Conan said, during a rare moment of seriousness, to his fans and everyone watching:

Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism, it doesn't lead anywhere.
Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.
But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, it's just true!

~ Conan O'Brien

I couldn't agree more.

Though I am guilty of having been cynical at times in my life, especially during our five year struggle with secondary infertility and pregnancy loss (including the death of our baby girl Molly), most of the time I try to be optimistic. What we went through during those five years was devastating, but I also grew a lot and I learned so much about myself, others, life and love.

I will never get over the loss of our three angel babies and especially our daughter Molly. However I am proud of how Bob, Sean and I continued to make the best of our situation and live our lives the best we could during that time. It is still surreal to me to think about this past year in our life and to digest that we have a new addition, our sweet Abigail, in our family. She is truly amazing!

I hope on this Saturday in January 2010, or whenever you read this, that you find some hope and inspiration in Conan's thoughts on not always getting what we expect or want, but trusting that if we try our best and treat others well, we can still have a wonderful life!

Amazing things can happen.
Amazing things do happen.
Amazing things will happen!

Conan believes that, I believe that and I wish the same for you! :)

January 13 (then and now)

THEN -- Last year on January 13 we were cautiously optimistic when we saw this:

NOW -- This year on January 13 we feel very blessed and lucky to have this in our life:

It is still hard for me to believe that our sweet Abigail Grace will be 4 months old on Saturday! What a difference a year can make...

Heavenmates

Today was a busy day. Abby and I picked up Sean at the bus stop after school and then headed out to their pediatrician's office so Sean could finally get his H1N1 vaccination. On the way home we stopped at the cemetery to visit Molly's grave. Being that it was a cold day and there was a lot of snow on the ground, I told Sean that it was fine with me if he wanted to stay in the car with Abby. However, he said he wanted to come with me to her grave, so we got out quickly to pay our respects, clean the snow off Molly's headstone and check on the little Christmas tree we had placed at her grave last month, while leaving Abby cozy and warm sleeping in her car seat in our minivan near by. Anyway, as we approached Molly's grave, Sean noticed the decorations on a relatively new grave to the right of hers. He commented on a toy truck that had been placed on the baby boy's grave. I explained that Jorge (the baby boy's name) had died this Fall (though there is no headstone yet, his family has placed a small wooden angel on his grave with his name and the dates of his birth and death) and was now in Heaven with Molly.

Then Sean said, "oh, so he and Molly can be Heavenmates!" He explained that just as we have roommates, classmates and/or playmates here on Earth, that he thinks that Molly can have Heavenmates in Heaven. Once again I just love viewing life through the eyes our six year old son. Sean went on to ask more questions about what I think Molly's life in Heaven is like. I told him, as I always do, that I don't know for sure, but that I like to believe that our baby girl is happy, healthy and surrounded by our family and friends that have also died and gone to Heaven. I also usually ask him what he thinks and always appreciate hearing his ideas about Molly's life after death.

I continue to be consumed by caring for Abby (nursing her throughout each day/night, helping her to learn "healthy sleep habits" and starting to teach her about the world around her) and Sean (when he isn't learning all kinds of new and wonderful things in Kindergarten), trying to find time to fit in some exercise (to start to get back into my pre-pregnancy and ultimately my pre-fertility treatment shape/clothes and to help me feel more like myself including my energy level and mood) and doing my best to keep our home in order (including making family dinners and such). Bob has been super busy at work, so that has added to our life feeling a bit crazy lately, of course having a 16 week old infant and a very active 6 year old are also huge factors. We are grateful that my parents have been willing and able to come down to our home one day each week to visit and help out.

Welcome to those of you who found my blog through the 2009 Creme de la Creme list! I look forward to checking out your posts and blogs in the near future. Thank you to those of you who have followed my blog for sometime for staying with me during this time of transition. My life continues to feel very surreal these days, but definately in a good way. Having an infant in our life and home again is extremely overwhelming, however I am so grateful for our new baby girl. Abby really is our dream come true and our family feels just right with her in our lives now.

Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. I don't know how long it will be before I find the time, energy and inspiration to post again, however it felt good to share with you some of my thoughts tonight. Take care and may God bless you and your loved ones today and always.

A new year, a new name...

...for my blog, that is! :)

Welcome to

Four of a Kind

Thank you to all those who have walked with me and my family on our journey from the time I started this blog in April 2007 and to all of you who have joined us at some point a long the way.

I feel very blessed and content with our family being "Four of a Kind... with the Queen of our Hearts in Heaven" now. Though we are no longer "Three of a kind working on a full house..." I still would like to share some about our life here whether or not we choose and/or are able to expand our family more in the future.

2009 was a truly miraculous year for our family!

I look forward to a wonderful 2010!

I wish you and your loved ones a very happy new year!

Merry Christmas!

Bob, Sean, Abby and I

with Molly in our hearts

wish you and yours a very

Merry Christmas!

Resolution

Back in September 2006, when I went to see my therapist (who specialized in infertility and pregnancy loss) for the first time she told me "this will be resolved." I found that statement to be so liberating, as at the time I felt so overwhelmed by our inability to conceive and then to sustain pregnancies since the birth of our son Sean in October 2003. In many ways I was obsessed with having another child. There have been so many times since then that I thought this promise of "resolution" would come to fruition, but there always seemed to be something holding me back from feeling that sense of resolve.

When we got pregnant with Molly I thought that for sure that would be "it!" But alas, you know how her story ends (or at least the part of her story that we got to share with her living here on earth with us). So when I got an email from Resolve (The National Infertility Association) this morning titled "What is Resolution?" I was intrigued... They wrote:

Did you ever stop and think what resolving infertility means to you? RESOLVE asked its constituents and just as you would expect, there is not one right answer.

There are millions of right answers.

7.3 million Americans who struggle with infertility are in search of a resolution.

The email was actually being sent in effort to fund raise to support Resolve, which is wonderful, but it actually got me thinking about where my family and I are at on our journey these days and whether or not the resolution that I had been so desperate for over three years ago had arrived.

With the birth of our third child, second daughter, Abigail Grace twelve weeks ago today, I feel very blessed and lucky to say that our quest to resolve our secondary infertility/recurrent pregnancy loss problems has been resolved. Though we will never know exactly how it was possible for us to conceive and sustain our pregnancy that gave us our sweet Abby with out medical assistance, we have finally been able to expand our family as we hoped and dreamed we could over the past five years. Alleluia!

The past three months since Abby was born have been an overwhelming time of transition for our family. A very welcome time of adjustment I should clarify, but challenging as well. We are so grateful to have Abby in our lives, but since it has been six years since we had an infant to care for in our home and we are six years older than we were when Sean was born, it hasn't been easy (not that it wouldn't be just as hard or harder if our children were closer in age or we were younger).

Sleep deprivation has taken its toll on me and many days I find it frustrating not to be able to accomplish much more than feeding (I am nursing) and changing Abby, helping her to nap/sleep, picking Sean up from the school bus stop, helping him with his homework and keeping it together until Bob gets home from work and is able to assist. But I know this is normal and my friends that also have children remind me that the first few months, if not the entire first year, of your life with a new baby can be both exhausting and make your mind feel perpetually foggy.

It has also taken some time to get used to Sean being in full day Kindergarten with a good amount of homework to be completed each day. I am not sure if I have shared here before, but he was accepted into one of our local public school system's "regional gifted centers" and thus much is expected of our loving, quirky and intelligent son at this young age in school. It is a great opportunity for him and we are thankful for it, but it has been another big adjustment for Sean and our family over the past few months.

All this being said, we adore our new baby girl. She is so sweet and she is growing how I imagine most healthy babies do. She is smiling and cooing and developing her own unique little personality. I am doing my best to cherish this and every stage of her life, as I don't know if we will (or even if we want to) have any more children (and I am okay with that). I want to appreciate Abby and our life for what it is right now. Likewise, I am so proud of Sean and I am grateful for once to feel able to completely focus on our children, Bob and our life, without being so consumed with trying to add to our family.

Anyway, I know I haven't posted here in awhile. It may take me some time to get back into the swing of posting here, especially since the purpose of my blog has evolved so much since I began it in April 2007. My lack of writing here is not for lack of having anything to say/share, it is more not being able to find the time to sit down and organize my thoughts. However, I had a few moments while Abby was napping this afternoon and felt inspired to write. I also was struck by the fact that when I asked myself, after seeing that email from Resolve in my inbox, if I had found the resolution that I had been searching for back in September 2006, that finally, the answer was a resounding, "YES!!!"

Ironically, Bob and I still need to decide in the coming months/years what our "plan" will be for if we are open to more children in our future, if that were even to be possible for us. As you might recall we still do have three frozen embryos and our OB reminded us at my six week post-partum check up that struggling with secondary infertility for years is not a reliable form a birth control.

For years the question as we saw it was always "why wouldn't we have more children." More recently it has become for Bob and me, "why would we have more children." As in so many ways our family feels complete now with the four of us here on earth and our Molly watching over us in Heaven. I trust that this too will be "resolved" in time, but as our friends have also been reminding me, most people don't decide whether or not they want or should have more children when their youngest is only three months old. As sleep deprivation can really cloud your vision. So that is a discussion/decision that Bob and I will take on eventually, but not right now.

Thank you for reading, your kind words, support, thoughts and prayers. I have been doing my best to keep up on your blogs and comment when I can. I am so excited for those of you that have recently found out that you are expecting again or for the first time! For those who are still trying or have resolved to move on with your lives child free or accepting and cherishing the family you have now, I hold you close in my thoughts and prayers as you make peace with not getting to have the bigger family you hope for and dreamed of.

Thank you also for your positive thoughts and prayers for my Aunt Denny who was in a serious car accident last month, as I talked about in my last post. She has moved from the Shock Trauma Unit at the hospital to a rehab facility and is slowly but surely making progress and healing. My aunt and her children/my cousins have been overwhelmed (in a good way) by the love and support they have received through the Caring Bridge page they set up for her and similar to our journey with Molly, I have been so moved by how what began as a tragedy has managed to bring so many people together and show what an impact one person's life can have on so many others.

Lastly, I will leave you with a recent picture of Sean and Abby taken on Thanksgiving and another of Abby wearing an outfit that I bought for her in honor of her big sister Molly in Heaven (notice the butterfly embroidered on the front pocket of her jean jumper):

Proud big brother Sean with his adoring little sister Abby

Our dream come true.

Take care and may God bless you and your loved ones this holiday season.

8 Weeks & Prayer Request

I would not have believed you if you had told me this time last year that today I would have a happy and healthy eight week old baby girl! :)

HAPPY 8 WEEKS ABBY!

Mommy, Daddy and Sean are so blessed and lucky to have you in our life (with Molly always in our hearts)!

Here is a recent picture of our daughter Abigail Grace from this past Saturday after she was baptized!

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers as we settle in to life with our new baby girl! One of these days I am going to find/make some time to sit down and share with you here some about the first two months of Abby's life with our family. In the meantime, overall things are going well and we are adjusting to our new life as a family of four (with our sweet Molly Marie watching over us from Heaven).

The prayer request is for my Godmother/paternal Aunt Denny who was in a serious car accident on Saturday afternoon while driving home from her best friend's house. The impact was on the driver's side of the car and she was transported to the Shock/Trauma unit of a Maryland hospital by Medivac. She sustained several injuries including a head laceration, multiple broken vertebrae and ribs, broken pelvis and scapula. Denny also sustained severe head trauma and is mildly responsive, but is making excellent progress by saying her name.

According to her children/my cousins, she has overcome a big hurdle in her road to recovery, as ​she is now off the ventilator (initially she was unconscious and in critical condition), but still needs assistance breathing with an oxygen mask. The initial swelling has gone down and she looks good. There is still some concern over swelling in her brain. The doctors continue to stress that she has a long road of recovery ahead of her.

Please send your thoughts and prayers for healing and strength to my Aunt Denny, her three children, their three spouses, her four grandchildren, her four siblings (including my dad), her numerous nieces and nephews and all those dear family and friends who love and care so much about her.

Denny has worked in high school campus ministry for many years and thus has made an impact on countless young people's lives, who have gone on to do great things and yet have never forgotten how she helped them through difficult times in their adolescence. I started a Facebook group on Monday afternoon, for family and friends to come together during this difficult and uncertain time, called "Prayers for Denny" and already it has over 500 members, many of whom are current or former students that she ministered to over the years!

G​rowing up in the Midwest​ I didn’t get to see and spend time with my God​mother/Aunt very often, however I have so many wonderful memories of the times we've shared together over the years. Many have commented on the "wall" of the Facebook group and in the guestbook of a Caring Bridge page, that Denny's children set up to keep us all updated on her condition, about how Denny has helped, stood by, prayed with and for and stayed strong for them during challenging times in their lives and I too can attest to that. Now it is our turn to help, stand by, pray and be strong for Denny and her children. So please send some much needed and much appreciated thoughts and prayers for healing and strength to my Aunt Denny, her children and all those whose lives have been graced through knowing her.

May God bless you and your loved ones.